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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this isn't the point of marriage?

165 replies

Objection · 25/05/2014 17:25

OH found out today that when/if we got married, I would want to keep my surname.
I like my surname, its unusual and, unlike many people, I chose it.
I became estranged from my father several years ago and changed my name from his to my mother's maiden name. I'm close to that side of the family and it helped me feel even more connected to them.
I also have very mild feminist views on the matter which, tbh, are not nearly as much as an influence, but they are there.
OH's name is fine. I have no opinion on it, its just a surname. Only he, his mother and his father have it.
I have no issue with any children taking his family name though I'd prefer they had mine but personally would rather be MrsMe, rather than MrsOH.

I asks OH jokingly today "so when are you going to marry me?" (he's always been really pro-marriage and its something he wanted to do.
And he replied "well, there's no point getting married now, is there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well there's no point if you're not going to take my name."

I tried to explain the whole life-long commitment, declaration of love in front of friends and family not to mention the legal benefits and he just shrugged it off. He's very offended that I want to keep my name. (We were together when I "broke up" with my Dad).

AIBU to think that names aren't the point of marriage and also to feel quite offended?

OP posts:

BasketzatDawn · 26/05/2014 23:34

Not sure I'd describe my marriage, 25 years old this August, 'just perfect' but we are very happy. And, guess what, we have different surnames. It's never been a problem. I thought dh might have been upset as he can have some quite traditional views, but he was quite unfazed. He once said, half jokingly: People will think we aren't married. (Big deal). But it's really not an issue. 4 sons later and they aren't the least bothered by me having a different name either, schools coped, medical services cope/d, I carried copies of their birth certs when travelling abroad without their dad (nobody ever questioned it). His name isn't awful; my name isn't that special but it's a name and I didn't need a new one. Just because I was marrying. The DC needed a name too - we gave them their father's name. It was no big deal. Sometimes I'd like to change us all the the Basketz family - but that would take too much explaining. Probably. But whatever our names we ARE a family unit.

BasketzatDawn · 26/05/2014 23:37

And just think of the tax breaks.

Katarzyna79 · 27/05/2014 00:03

I'm at odds with op. I agree you shouldn't have to change your name if you don't want to, but at the same time you're saying it's not the point of marriage I.e not very relevant. If it's not very important to you, but it is important to your partner why not change it?

But at the same time you are clearly bothered by the concept of change..im confused?

My tuppence it's a very English thing to take on the mans surname as it was linked with inheritance rights, and proof of paternity.

In my family the girls keep their mothers surname which is handed down through women only on the mothers side, and the boys do likewise with their dad's surname. I've kept my mothers surname on marriage since it was the norm in my culture. But I think it's less confusing on paperwork and important documents if we all have one surname. I've not changed mine yet but all my kids have the same surname as their father it was something I decided on. I don't like my surname so I didn't want to inflict it upon my kids. Nothin funny about it simply most british people can't pronounce it, his is easier to pronounce .

Personally I think if you love each other and want to get married would you let a name stop you? He's being unreasonable saying he doesn't want to due to surname, but you are too. I'm sure it's been said before but sadly marriage is about compromises, hopefully he compromises first ;)

squoosh · 27/05/2014 00:06

How is she being unreasonable by not wanting to change her name?

Honestly!

brdgrl · 27/05/2014 00:15

marriage is about compromises, hopefully he compromises first
Marriage may require compromise (I wouldn't go so far as to say it is "about" compromise, how dismal), but it should never require compromising yourself.
OP has said it is important to her.
Her desire to keep her name completely trumps his desire that she take his.

Katarzyna79 · 27/05/2014 00:19

I didn't discuss surnames when I got married I didn't even think about it I just wanted to get married I did say she was being unreasonable but so is he slightly silly thing to get in the way of a potential marriage.

Katarzyna79 · 27/05/2014 00:28

this is feminist bull. I'm all for women's rights,p but if my best friend said she loves her partner and wants to marry him but won't because she can't keep her surname I would say she's silly to put it mildly. Love doesn't come knocking on the door everyday. Pass out on a marriage coz of a name?

Note I'm not saying he is correct either, especially throwing a wobbly saying there's no point in marriage without the surname that's a stupid thing to say.

I know how she feels I've kept my surname I was going to change it since having my children just to make things simpler on paper but since my mum died I want to hold on to that piece of her so I'm not changing it. thankfully my husband isn't fussed.

Ops partner is fussed How about a double barrelled surname then both parties are happy?

brdgrl · 27/05/2014 00:31

Clearly you are not, as you say, "all for women's rights".

squoosh · 27/05/2014 00:33

'if my best friend said she loves her partner and wants to marry him but won't because she can't keep her surname I would say she's silly to put it mildly.'

If that was my best friend, and she told me she wanted to keep her name but 'can't', I'd advise her to run for the hills.

Why is it 'feminist bull' if a woman wants to keep the name she was born with? No one ever expects a man to change his name. Now that really is bull.

brdgrl · 27/05/2014 00:37

Yes, Sqoosh, and in the OP's case it wasn't even the name she was 'born with', but a name she changed to precisely because it mattered so much to her to feel connected with her mother/mother's family. The idea that she should be happy to cast that aside because - gasp - otherwise she might miss out on marriage, the end-all, be-all of a woman's life...
gag.

slater23 · 27/05/2014 09:39

but if my best friend said she loves her partner and wants to marry him but won't because she can't keep her surname I would say she's silly to put it mildly

I would say she is silly that she does as she is told by the man that she can't keep her name to put it strongly

Where does it bloody end? Maybe she shouldn't work because the man won't let her? Maybe she shouldn't see her friends because the man doesn't like it? After all she loves him so according to you she should do as she is told

JapaneseMargaret · 27/05/2014 11:53

These threads always smoke out the rock-dwellers.

Hello, and welcome to the 21st Century, y'all!

Littledidsheknow · 27/05/2014 12:15

I was happy to take DHs name, simply because my original one sounded silly with my first name (thanks, Mum) also to distance myself from my dad. May not have bothered otherwise.
I have plenty of married friends who are: Mrs Maidenname, or have retained Miss Maidenname .
I'm just glad that it is now rare to see such misogynist monstrosities as Mrs James Smith (for example). My MIL and her friends often used to sign themselves as such!

slater23 · 27/05/2014 13:05

His family are very old fashioned though

How do they feel about you living together before marriage, do they disapprove?

hiccupgirl · 27/05/2014 13:20

I've been married for 13 years and with my DH for 23. I kept my name on marriage and this has never yet been a problem. All our friends just double barrel us when talking about us collectively. Our DS has DH's name which I do sometimes regret a bit - I wish I'd put mine in as a middle name at least but our names wouldn't go well together as a proper last name for him.

If the OP has already made a choice to change her name to something that is important to her then this IMO trumps her potential DH's wish for her to change her name to his. My in laws are very traditional as well and were initially quite put out that I wouldn't be taking their name. I pointed out that I would change my name if their son changed his too and we could both have a new name. They didn't make any objections after that and I think I'm just seen as the eccentric DIL now.

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