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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this isn't the point of marriage?

165 replies

Objection · 25/05/2014 17:25

OH found out today that when/if we got married, I would want to keep my surname.
I like my surname, its unusual and, unlike many people, I chose it.
I became estranged from my father several years ago and changed my name from his to my mother's maiden name. I'm close to that side of the family and it helped me feel even more connected to them.
I also have very mild feminist views on the matter which, tbh, are not nearly as much as an influence, but they are there.
OH's name is fine. I have no opinion on it, its just a surname. Only he, his mother and his father have it.
I have no issue with any children taking his family name though I'd prefer they had mine but personally would rather be MrsMe, rather than MrsOH.

I asks OH jokingly today "so when are you going to marry me?" (he's always been really pro-marriage and its something he wanted to do.
And he replied "well, there's no point getting married now, is there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well there's no point if you're not going to take my name."

I tried to explain the whole life-long commitment, declaration of love in front of friends and family not to mention the legal benefits and he just shrugged it off. He's very offended that I want to keep my name. (We were together when I "broke up" with my Dad).

AIBU to think that names aren't the point of marriage and also to feel quite offended?

OP posts:
Original poster
Objection · 25/05/2014 20:05

It seems like you don't want his name associated with you or your children at all

I don't think thats particularly fair considering I stated that I'm neutral about his name, happy to have future children with that name and wouldn't be bothered about people mistaking my name for his.

I'd just rather have my name, as I have a deep connection with it.

OP posts:
Igggi · 25/05/2014 20:08

Shoewhore - you sign the register in your own name anyway, so your fil is an ejjit as well as an arse!

squoosh · 25/05/2014 20:08

I think there are two types of men who get upset upon learning their partner has no intention of changing her name

a) men who just assume that is what people do and have never given much though to the fact it is a sexist assumption. After mulling it over they see her point and get over it.

b) men who take it as a personal insult that a woman does not want to take his name and will never change their view on this.

ShoeWhore · 25/05/2014 20:11

Grin Igggi I may well save that phrase for next time he's being especially annoying. Love it. He is a knob of the highest order, it has to be said.

Original poster
Objection · 25/05/2014 20:14

Have spoken to OH.
I said that I felt really upset that he immediately invalidated marriage over a name and he was quite shocked and upset that I was upset over it.
He said he didn't mean to upset me and it was just something that was important to him and "apart of being married".
I asked him why it was important to him and he talked about becoming one unit and a family which surprised me as I was expecting him to go on about tradition.
I countered that with why don't we take my name and he said he wanted to keep his, for family ties, but didn't scoff (again, expected).
He then suggested double-barrelling which he'd be happy with BUT when I asked about children, he'd want them to have his name...which doesn't fit into the family unit thing!
I mentioned name mixing but we got giggly because one possible mesh would mean out surname would be "Heaving".
We've resolved to not make it an issue and discuss it at a later date, when it is time to make the decision.

He then took me to KFC Grin

OP posts:
Liara · 25/05/2014 20:20

He's being pretty silly, and frankly quite insulting.

A name is a huge part of one's identity. If a woman is happy to change it, all well and good, but it is her choice and no one else's.

I didn't change my name when I got married. 15 years later, when we were expecting dc1 we agreed to both change our name to a meshed one, which the children would then take.

It avoided having to give the children one name and not the other (giving them both together would have been cruel) and was oddly bonding in that we now all have the same name, and it is one that no one else in the world has. The fact that we BOTH gave up our names for the new one was quite significant to us.

Liara · 25/05/2014 20:21

xpost!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 25/05/2014 20:23

I kept my name (inherited from my mother) when we got married, I don't think we even discussed the possibility I might change it. Apart from anything else I was established in my career under that name and wouldn't want to be Ms Me at work and Mrs Him at home.
The DC have DH's surname with mine as a middle name - my choice because a) his surname is actually nicer than mine and b) as I no longer have any immediate family it was inevitable that the children would identify more strongly with DH's enormous tribe (which they LOVE being part of). They don't find it strange at all, in fact when I suggested I might be Mrs DH when dealing with school they all reacted as though I'd gone mad Grin.

theDudesmummy · 25/05/2014 20:25

I have been married twice and would never have dreamed in a million years of changing my surname. Why should I, they didn't?

ColdCottage · 25/05/2014 20:29

Glad you had a good talk, always better to talk things over than bottle them up. These things take time to work out. Good luck and enjoy your KFC Smile

JamJimJam · 25/05/2014 20:36

My husband made no assumption that I would take his name.

We wanted the same surname as we planned to have children. My name was awful, his is lovely. Had it been the other way around, he would have happily taken my name.

Yama · 25/05/2014 20:42

I couldn't respect any man who thought so little of my wishes. If he really can't empathise with why you don't want to change your name then he is either thick or mean. Not sure which is worse.

I am married. I am me. My dd has my name and thus far is adamant she will never change her name. I am very proud. Smile

iK8 · 25/05/2014 20:52

I didn't even discuss with dh if I would take his surname. It's my name therefore my decision.

As it happens I do use his name sometimes but i also use my old name too.

I would struggle to find any sympathy with a man who insisted I take him name and downright irritation with one who sulked about it.

iK8 · 25/05/2014 20:54

Just seen he took you to KFC. To be honest it sounds like you have bigger issues than a name... Wink

Original poster
Objection · 25/05/2014 21:09

I chose KFC. I have high standards, clearly!

OP posts:
Gennz · 25/05/2014 21:14

I kept my name when I got married. DH never had an issue with it, I think he would have been shocked if I'd wanted to change my name given my views on various things. If it had been an issue for him, marrying him would have been an issue for me - it would have indicated some views on female equality that I would find difficult to stomach.

I do make an issue if it if people insist on calling me Mrs DHName (or even better Mrs DH Initial DHSurname Angry) - politely, but I tell them it's not my name. My name is Ms Myname. Why should I answer to the wrong name to cater to their outdated ideas? I have had the (unmarried) partners of friends tell me their wives will be chnaging their names, otherwise what's the point. I just roll my eyes. We've been together 12 years and married for 6, I don't need to justify my relationship to neanderthals.

Gennz · 25/05/2014 21:16

P.S we are expecting our first child this year and it will have DH's last name. I figure it's got to have one and it can have his. My issue is with changing my identity to that of my husband's, not what to call children. Also I figure it's nice for DH to have an external connection to the child, the external connection to me is pretty clear (given the size of me).

Igggi · 25/05/2014 21:30

What does it take to be "one unit"? What does it mean to be "a family"? I rather suspect you are going to change your name OP, if you have no intention of doing so then that's all there is to say, no need to discuss again later.

Laquitar · 25/05/2014 23:01

It is more practical if both and the children have the same name i.e. if you travel a lot, if you immigrate etc.
But your dp did not give this reason, he did not give reason at all. Does he think that marriages in other countries are not valid then?

I dont know if it has to do with age aswell. I was nearly 40 when i got married so i lived 40 years with my name, it would feel very odd to abandon my name. Plus i love my family and my roots.

Laquitar · 25/05/2014 23:05

The 'one unit' thing. Hmm if you have a dd and she marrys at 18 then will you stop being a family? If she takes her dh's name? Ask him if he would like this? Grin.

MrsCosmopilite · 25/05/2014 23:18

I was unsure about changing my name when I married DH. He wasn't bothered either way. I have added his surname to the end of mine. Our DD has both surnames.

I appreciate that yes it may be more convenient for everyone in a family to have the same surname BUT I don't understand why the emphasis is still on the woman to to change her name. I'm now pondering what the standard expectation is in same-sex marriages? Whose surname takes priority and why? (sorry - derailing).

BertieBotts · 25/05/2014 23:22

But Laquitar when your DD gets married then yes, her "primary" family unit becomes her and her husband. So although she is still part of your family she is not in your family unit in the same way any more. She has flown the nest!

MrsC I think it's a fairly even split between double barrelling, both taking one partner's name (whichever they both prefer I suppose) or keeping their own names.

I expect the difference is that with same sex marriages there is no expectation so there is an open court for discussion. Whereas with heterosexual marriages the man has lived his whole life assuming that he will keep his name, and hence tends to be very affronted at the suggestion that he ought to change it. I think that's silly and I hope it changes in the future.

Cushioney · 25/05/2014 23:35

YANBU. I honestly don't understand why taking one's husband's name is still the norm in this day and age

I don't get it either [onfused]

I find it really strange. So many friends have got married, changed their names, got divorced then changed their name again, got married again, then changed their name again. They moan about the bureaucracy of it all. Don't change your name then Hmm

Cushioney · 25/05/2014 23:37

It is more practical if both and the children have the same name i.e. if you travel a lot, if you immigrate etc.

Doesn't make any difference, not more practical whatsoever

Cushioney · 25/05/2014 23:40

He's very offended that I want to keep my name

Sorry, this makes him sound like a complete bellend

Are you sure you want to marry him?