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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this isn't the point of marriage?

165 replies

Objection · 25/05/2014 17:25

OH found out today that when/if we got married, I would want to keep my surname.
I like my surname, its unusual and, unlike many people, I chose it.
I became estranged from my father several years ago and changed my name from his to my mother's maiden name. I'm close to that side of the family and it helped me feel even more connected to them.
I also have very mild feminist views on the matter which, tbh, are not nearly as much as an influence, but they are there.
OH's name is fine. I have no opinion on it, its just a surname. Only he, his mother and his father have it.
I have no issue with any children taking his family name though I'd prefer they had mine but personally would rather be MrsMe, rather than MrsOH.

I asks OH jokingly today "so when are you going to marry me?" (he's always been really pro-marriage and its something he wanted to do.
And he replied "well, there's no point getting married now, is there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well there's no point if you're not going to take my name."

I tried to explain the whole life-long commitment, declaration of love in front of friends and family not to mention the legal benefits and he just shrugged it off. He's very offended that I want to keep my name. (We were together when I "broke up" with my Dad).

AIBU to think that names aren't the point of marriage and also to feel quite offended?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 26/05/2014 01:41

It IS more practical to have the same surname as your DC if you travel without their father, as it happens. SOME countries SOMETIMES ask for confirmation that you are, in fact, related to these children and have their father's permission to take them out of the country. Having the same name removes this.

calmet · 26/05/2014 01:44

Everyone I know in a same sex marriage, has kept their own name.

squoosh · 26/05/2014 01:47

Yes same sex marriage highlight how outdated the idea of a woman automatically changing her name to her husband's is.

zippey · 26/05/2014 02:57

A marriage is between tro people and surely your opinion is as valid as his?

I think you are right in this one OP. He needs to re-evaluate his priorities. Also he doesn't seem to have his story straight re family unit thing, and children having a different name if you two compromised.

It means a lot to you so I'd say don't comprimise.

Gennz · 26/05/2014 03:28

Funnily enough I just had lunch with a group of friends. They were talking about weddings & name changes etc. One turned to me (coincidentally the same one whose partner told me there was no point to gettign married if I didn't change my name) and said So, are you changing your name now? expectantly. I said what? Why would I change it now? genuinely confused, and she said now youre having a baby. I said what?! No, why would I? and she got all huffy and told me to calm down.

Why it is so hard to comprehend, after nearly 6 years of marriage, that my name aint going anywhere. Also, am really sick of being questioned on it Im not rude enough to say oh my GOD are you really changing your name? Its 2014! Hahahaha are you that backwards?!! (though sometimes I feel like it).

sykadelic · 26/05/2014 07:07

" It seems like you don't want his name associated with you or your children at all

I don't think thats particularly fair considering I stated that I'm neutral about his name, happy to have future children with that name and wouldn't be bothered about people mistaking my name for his. "

Actually you said this: I have no issue with any children taking his family name though I'd prefer they had mine but personally would rather be MrsMe, rather than MrsOH

You actually said that you don't want his name and you don't want your kids to have it either.

This name thing is a big decision and needs to be resolved sooner rather than later.

matildasquared · 26/05/2014 07:13

When we got married we didn't even discuss the name change issue. I kept my name and I think my husband assumed I would too, since he never even mentioned it. I rather think he'd have been surprised if I'd changed it!

Really, it's never once, ever, been a problem.

And travelling with kids: no matter what surname your kids have, it's good practice to bring along a birth certificate when you're travelling with your kids. A good immigration officer will want to make sure a child crossing international borders is with whomever they're supposed to be with. And rightly so!

GoblinLittleOwl · 26/05/2014 07:15

Can't you follow the American style ie Barbara Taylor Bradford; no hyphens, just add his on to yours, or yours on to his. I don't think his family's view on anxiety and depression have anything to do with this; you and your partner seem to have a good relationship; work it out between yourselves.

matildasquared · 26/05/2014 07:15

A guy who is demanding you take his name is an entitled misogynist jerk.

If family unity or whatever were that important to him, he'd take your name. That's a red herring. He's throwing his weight around.

I know that's harsh, but that's what you're about to get married to and someone needs to say it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/05/2014 07:33

I have a different surname to DS, we fly abroad a lot, he with his father and with me but rarely both of us at the same time. Travelling abroad is absolutely fine. I have to take a photocopy of his birth certificate which is no great hardship. Since travelling abroad is something most families do around once a year and usually together anyway, this is a total non issue.

And syk - so what if the OP prefers her children to have her surname? She has already said she would compromise (as I did) but why shouldn't she have a preference for her own name? Most men do, and that's right and normal apparently.

chocolatemademefat · 26/05/2014 08:22

Oh for god sake! If you can't agree on this what's the point of getting married. Believe me, much bigger problems will come along and if you can't reach some sort of compromise over this when you should still be at the heady 'in love' stage I pity your chances in the future.
It's a name - either stick to your principles and stay single or don't. You've obviously sailed through life on a cloud if this is a big deal.
And if your feminist principles matter so much to you why are you with someone who wants to brand you as some posters have ridiculously waded in with.
If you need guidance from a site like this on a name you're not ready for marriage.

whatever5 · 26/05/2014 09:19

I certainly haven't sailed through life on a cloud but it would be a big deal to me to find out that my partner was the type of person who thought that women should automatically change their surname to a man's on marriage.

Anyway, OP hasn't said that she is about to get married or is ready for marriage.

butterflyby · 26/05/2014 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/05/2014 09:52

Butterfly read it again Hmm

Original poster
Objection · 26/05/2014 10:20

Cushioney that should be phrased "he's offended that I don't want his name".

We've had a good long chat about it and he's being understanding and sensitive about it, it was a shock to him at first.

And I feel a bit bad about dragging the PIL into it too Confused (on here)

OP posts:
Original poster
Objection · 26/05/2014 10:22

Reading over I should have made it clear that that is my interpretation of their beliefs from speaking to them. They've never come right out and said "I don't think its right for the man to be a SAHD".
MIL is lovely and pretty openminded really.

I'm clearly having a guilt morning! [blsuh]

OP posts:
Original poster
Objection · 26/05/2014 10:26

chocolate thanks for your assumptions on my relationship and my life there.

OP posts:
Cushioney · 26/05/2014 10:46

he's offended that I don't want his name

Sorry still makes him sound like a bellend - the fact that he would get offended that you don't want his name

FryOneFatManic · 26/05/2014 11:11

'However, the biggest reason for getting married was to become one as a union, that meant changing my surname. You should to. Now we r going to be a family unit and all have the same surname x'

We are a family unit. The fact that we don't all have the same surname has never made any difference in being that family unit.

Even my mum, at 70, has recently said that if she had realised when marrying dad that she didn't have to take his name then she wouldn't have.

The whole family should have the same name regardless of what it is

I think this is rubbish too. Taking the husband's name is mainly an anglo-saxon thing, and many other cultures simply don't do this at all. It's also a hang-over from when women were legally owned by their husbands. Our family has never suffered from having different surnames.

Our DCs have simply accepted our names are different, as have their friends, my friends, and anyone who knows us.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 26/05/2014 12:40

OP it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you should do about your name, it's entirely up to you what you want to call yourself. And that means whether you want to retain your current surname, take your husband's or change your name entirely to Ooogimee Fluntislop. And in the UK the right to call yourself what you want is enshrined in law.

Tell your DP that!

cookiefiend · 26/05/2014 13:13

Another one here for both of you changing your name to a double-barrelled combination of both your surnames. Our name is now long but unique it refects our equal partnership and means dc share our names. For me I loved my name because it was frim my family and the thought of dc having a different name upset me- would they be as tied to their surname if I did not share it. Dh has had a few comments- women think its adorable he changed, men think a bit weak etc, but dh wanted us to have a joint surname and like me does not believe the women should automatically have to change hers.

Original poster
Objection · 26/05/2014 14:24

I would go for double barrelled if
a) we both had double barrelled
b) our children had the same name

It's a conversation for another time with him but I'm relieved that his reaction was a knee jerk one

OP posts:
slater23 · 26/05/2014 17:36

And he replied "well, there's no point getting married now, is there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well there's no point if you're not going to take my name."

I tried to explain the whole life-long commitment, declaration of love in front of friends and family not to mention the legal benefits and he just shrugged it off. He's very offended that I want to keep my name

Sounds something deeper than a knee jerk reaction OP

He said there was no point and he was very offended

Are you sure you want to marry this guy?

Noappointmentnecessary · 26/05/2014 22:29

Actually I do agree with your oh - there is no point in getting married. Why exactly do you want to get married? I'm not sure why you don't want to take his surname, I think it's such a lovely thing and a beautiful gesture to him. Good luck with it all.

squoosh · 26/05/2014 22:31

noappointment so you're saying the only reason you got married was so you could change your name? Dear me how sad that is. How sad you are.

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