to think this isn't the point of marriage?

[Objection]

OH found out today that when/if we got married, I would want to keep my surname.
I like my surname, its unusual and, unlike many people, I chose it.
I became estranged from my father several years ago and changed my name from his to my mother's maiden name. I'm close to that side of the family and it helped me feel even more connected to them.
I also have very mild feminist views on the matter which, tbh, are not nearly as much as an influence, but they are there.
OH's name is fine. I have no opinion on it, its just a surname. Only he, his mother and his father have it.
I have no issue with any children taking his family name though I'd prefer they had mine but personally would rather be MrsMe, rather than MrsOH.

I asks OH jokingly today "so when are you going to marry me?" (he's always been really pro-marriage and its something he wanted to do.
And he replied "well, there's no point getting married now, is there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well there's no point if you're not going to take my name."

I tried to explain the whole life-long commitment, declaration of love in front of friends and family not to mention the legal benefits and he just shrugged it off. He's very offended that I want to keep my name. (We were together when I "broke up" with my Dad).

AIBU to think that names aren't the point of marriage and also to feel quite offended?

Anxiety. Sorry! On my phone

You can be a family without sharing a surname noappointment. Why didn't your DH change his surname if you loved yours so much?

really Noappointments???
Why shouldn't the OP's DP change?
(and I did change my name to my DH's so no particular axe to grind, I just find that comment peculiar)

DH wanted me to have his name. Recently, I asked why he had stopped asking me about it. He said that he had realised that since he and DD have the same name now I was the odd one out! People are funny about names.

I never took DHs name - a) I love my surname b) His isn't half as nice, and c) he married me - he didn't buy me!

He thankfully didn't care at all - in fact I suspect he thinks it a bit sexy. But if he did care it would have been an argument, and I would have won. Nobody is gonna tell me what my name should be, no way.

We got raised eyebrows, and at weddings I am always always on the table plan as "Mrs. HisSurname" even when the couple know full well I never changed my name. I generally let it go, but its tiresome.

Interestingly his family asked me yesterday what our unborn childs surname is gonna be. I said it'll be HisSurname and they were all suprised and delighted, which perplexed me. I suspect they thought it'd be double barrelled? But my choice doesn't mean I'm bothered about my name carrying on, it just means I want my name to remain the same!

YANBU (obviously).

How long have you been together? As this has come as a surprise to him I'm assuming you haven't been together that long?

Are you sure he's changed his mind on depression, gay parents etc.? He sounds ultra conservative.

I've been there. It's something you need to discuss when you're both calm and rational.

Like you, I took my mother's name, and I'm not giving that up. So all my legal docs (bank account, passport, and work name) are still that.

My facebook name is myname-hisname hyphenated, and I use that for other fun things (like running events)

I'll certainly answer to "Mrs Hisname", if someone calls me that (restaurant, car showroom, travel agent...) - I pick my battles.

This name thing is odd though. My children have my surname with their father's as a middle name. People find this most bizarre, but apparently, if MINE was the middle name, that would be OK!

I'm keeping my name when I get married next year. I love it, and a lot of people know me by a shortened version of it. It's old fashioned to think that the girl should take the man's name. My fiancé's view is that to take his name makes us a family unit. My view is that if that's so important to him then he can take my name. Why is my identity less important?

Phew that was close you were 1 step away from donning your pinny and calling yourself the little women then!

'However, the biggest reason for getting married was to become one as a union, that meant changing my surname. You should to. Now we r going to be a family unit and all have the same surname x'

Idiotic claptrap.

My surname is very important to me and I couldn't give it up when I got married.
My husband agreed he couldn't give up his name for mine so understood how I felt.
We wanted to have the same name, especially for when we had children so we double barrelled.
We agreed we now have a very long silly name but after 3 years it doesn't feel as silly and people get used to it. I always tell people who ask for my surname to "brace themselves" before I spell it (my half of the name is long and foreign).
Never have any problems and just reflects our joining together as a team even more.
Also our descendants will be able to follow both family lines back in history more easily rather than just the male line which I think is nice. How many people know their grandmothers maiden name?
Good luck with what ever you decide.
A name is no reason to get married or not for though.

I told him that I wouldn't be bothered by being called MrsOH and I expected to be called as such but wouldn't change my docs.

It's really upset me actually. He's out walking the dog at the moment so I can't talk to him but it's really shaken me up.

We've lived together for 4 years, for whoever asked.

Absolutely spot on Jewels, a shared surname does not a family make. I share the same surname as a work colleague, people somehow manage to decipher that we aren't related or married. It's so reminiscent of pissing on a tree to mark territory.

I don't know one married couple who have taken the name of the Wife.

Maybe it's a class thing?

Also, a name change isn't 'when you get married or never'. If you change your mind you can change it whenever you want!

Out of interest what do people.think of squished surnames? Ours would mesh quite nicely but is it tacky and celebrity like?

(Eg. Pattinson and Stewart = stewartson)

I couldn't think of a quick.examplw, sorry!

Caruthers - class thing how?

caruthers I do, but the surname he changed from was "Balls" so I'm not sure if its an accurate representation. I don't think I could have gone through life being a Ms Balls or a Mr Balls.

Caruthers - class thing how?

Well I don't know one person who hasn't gone the traditional route.

I like the combined surnames Objection, DH and I toyed with the idea for a while but couldn't come up with anything with as nice as our original names. Love the idea though.

I can understand why you are upset. To think he can question your relationship over something like this.
I am sure if you tell him how it has made you feel over time you can find a solution that makes you both comfortable, even if it is just that it takes him that time to understand your feelings and come to terms with your choice.
He loves you and he is probably having a knee jerk reaction to this combined with the impact of his upbringing.

TereseaGreen

I'm not saying you're wrong at all i'm just stating that I don't know anyone who has not gone down the traditional route.

And I know a lot of people.

Balls isn't pleasant though I catch your drift.

We thought about a combined or new name as well but decided on both in the end.

YANBU - it's not the point. However, I suppose there's still a deeply entrenched view, mostly among men, that it's "normal" for the woman to take the man's surname and form a new family unit, all with the same surname.

I used both my maiden name and DH's surname together when we got married, not double-barrelled, just used them both. This was mostly for professional reasons. But when I emigrated to Australia with him, I agreed to drop my maiden name, as it wasn't known at all here, and just stick with his surname. I'm not bothered, but he would have been VERY bothered. I don't really know why and I don't suppose for a second that he would have a cogent argument as to why he'd be bothered! But I did it because, well, it's "normal" in my world as well (and his surname's not too bad )

Move to Italy. It's pretty much The Law there that you keep your maiden name and don't take the man's surname.