AIBU to move my daughter out of her double ensuite bedroom into box room for gross untidiness?

[Incandescentrage]

We built an extension 3 years ago, and incorporated 2 double ensuite rooms for our daughters (yep, lucky them). Both are untidy buggers but I can expect that (I was as a teenager) but one is worse than the other, i.e. constantly spills tea on the bed, leaves yoghurt pots under the bed, dirty laundry everywhere, it's manky. But despite begging, asking, shouting etc for her to keep it tidy she won't. I had got to the point where I figured she has to live in it, I don't, just don't go in there. Last weekend my husband noticed that she had gone out and left her bathroom light on and fan going in the middle of the day, so he went in to switch them off. There were used sanitary towels on the bed and in the bathroom sink, yoghurt pots, cereal bowls and mugs scattered liberally about, clothes everywhere, mostly dirty, and the toilet was blocked. The toilet blockage had been so for several days by the state of it, but she had continued to use it, it was full to the brim, took us two hours to unblock it, which involved putting my arm in it away past the elbow to try to shift the blockage, as well as my dh having to faff about with the cesspit.

AIBU to be moving all her stuff into the box room today as a punishment (which has been threatened for the last 3years)?

Oh and the state of dd's room has nothing to do with whether she respects us. She doesn't make a mess in the communal rooms, only her own space. If anything I think that it can be a sign that she doesn't love herself enough, but basically it's just laziness, things build up, it gets a bit horrible and then the clear up is a bit daunting.

I would give her 24 hours to have the bedroom clean to show room standards and tell her what the consequence will be if it's not.

I'd then provide her with a few bin bags etc and let her get on with it... If she doesn't... Move her!!

Maybe this sounds soft but I think she needs to be taught how to tidy. It just doesn't come naturally to some people, especially if they have MH issues, which it sounds like she might if she is secretly eating and leaving dirty sanpro around. I'd sit her down one weekend and explain gently that it is way beyond tolerable to her health and that you'll help her sort it out.

Get a timer, some bin bags etc, and set timer for 5 mins. Tell her to pick up all clothes from the floor in that 5 mins and put them in laundry hamper. Then set it for another 5 mins and tell her to get all rubbish in the bin and san-pro bagged up and in the bin. Chat with her about how these short jobs are easy if you do them one by one. Next get her to straighten her bed, pull curtains, air room etc and give lots of praise and encouragement for how much better it looks after only 15 mins. Keep reinforcing the idea that tidying her room is just a few simple quick jobs done in succession. Easy to do, easy to maintain.

Keep going, in 5 min bursts, maybe with some music playing and loads of encouragement. Add a bit of easy cleaning with household wipes or cloth and all purpose spray, then get her to Hoover. Finish with some styling details like plumping up cushions, rearranging decorations or putting in some fresh flowers.

Maybe look with her on Pinterest for storage solutions. Get her to do this 1 hour clean every Saturday morning, using the timer and the list of what to do when, and oversee it every week for a month. Just praise, not complaints. I think screeching and punishment reinforce the idea that cleaning your room is a chore. Making it quick, easy and doing it to fave music, with lovely scented cleaning products makes it pleasurable. Sort of. ;)

This worked for ASD DS2 who now tidies his own room without being asked. Need to do it with DS1 too.

I was a matron in a boys boarding school for six year , I was a house mistress in a girls boarding school for six months - the girls were lazy , messy and slovenly by and large .
The boys had far more order and routine to their personal areas .
My dd 14 is a slob ! She's really sporty so there's a constant stream of used Lycra hanging about ; I now shut the door and ignore it . She's so lovely in every other way , its a small moan really .

Definitely not being unreasonable. You know your daughter, so depression etc, your call.

However, will she just spread mess across 2 rooms now! Some people just can't see mank. When I was a teenager my best friends bedroom horrified me (I was no saint), she had snot everywhere and would eat 24 hour left overs from her bedside. Rank.

She's a bright woman and now a nurse.eeek!

Good luck.

Move her into the bedroom. She's 14; old enough to understand and throw a mega hissy fit
You can't threaten her with it and not do it, for a start!
If she makes that one messy, remove the door the ULTIMATE teenage punishment

*into the box room

Caulkheadupnorth I'm with you. I struggled with binging and bulimia in my teens. I also hated eating in front of other people so would always take food up to my room and only go downstairs to clean the dishes when I knew nobody was about, which often meant they just piled up. Toilet blockage screams bulimia to me. A friend of mine said she always ate secretly in her room because her mum used to nag her about her weight.

Is there any chance of an ED here? Maybe impose a "ten minute dash" rule. She has to spend ten minutes every day tidying up as much as she can in that time. It's how I keep the house tidy!

Hi . Firstly, I sympathise.
My ideas are:
No food/drinks in room.
A bin.
Daily checks.
Each week, no tidy room, no pocket money (if applicable).
The sanpro thing needs proper talk to address the hygiene issue.
When it's full, empty it. The bin.
If you drop it, you pick it up. Clothes/rubbish ect.
Don't flush it, bag it and bin it. Sanpro
You need consequences she won't like, not ones she doesn't care about.
Best of luck.

YWNBU to move her. I'm presuming she has already heard this threat and chosen to ignore it.
If you have time, do a big clean up and clear out of her nice room and move her bed, desk and essentials into the box room. Give her a set time period (3 months?) to prove herself and earn back the privilege of her big room and ensuite.

My DS is a slobbish teen too and had a lovely big loft bedroom that was divided into 3 parts -playroom with football table, xbox etc, study and bedroom. Despite constant conflict, he was shockingly messy (clothes, biscuit wrappers, festering football kit...) so the playroom part was cleared out (stuff put in garage) and turned into a guest room. He still didn't get the message so study was also emptied (school stuff and books moved downstairs) so he only had the bedroom part.
We've come to the compromise that he does a big clean up -tidy, hoover etc on Saturday mornings and the rest of the week I turn a blind eye. It's just about reasonable now and he's got his study back. Xbox allowed back for summer holidays if he can keep to the regular clean-ups...!

I know I was quite bad at that age too and it was pure teen laziness. (Though I think the blocked loo and san pads is on another level!!)

threedeer you have spoken such sense. OP, please take some of that wise advice.

Really? More punishment? "Minger"??

She sounds like her self-esteem is rock bottom, she has such little self-respect she accepts those living conditions she creates and lets it get worse because she doesn't feel she deserves any better.

And you're concerned about her being bulimic and being advised to fine her for eating in secret. At the very least take that seriously.

Blimey.

Please see past the mess and reach out to your daughter. She's 14 and clearly struggling. You travel and get stepfather and she are not close. Can you not see that you need to spend done time listening to her

Punishment and shoving her in a box room? Good luck with the messages you're sending. And perhaps think about finding someone neutral for her to talk to sooner rather than later.

Some worrying red flags here.

Please don't remove the door. Prisoners have more rights than that !

OP didn't say daughter and stepfather were not close. She just said that being stepdad made it particularly awkward for him to go in and find used sanpro around, which I can agree with.

I also don't think this is that unusual for teenage girls - not that that makes it ok.

YANBU. We don't allow food upstairs, everyone eats downstairs (except for the odd sleepover etc). However teen DDs are very untidy and it is very annoying!

The pad thing is yuck but seems common at this age. Both of my DDs have done it. Still get an occasional 'surprise' in the bathroom!

I would not allow any more eating upstairs or in bedrooms and only allow her to stay there if she keeps it reasonably tidy.

have experienced similar manky levels of disgusting filth in my 15-year-old daughter's bedroom. we drew up a contract and said that if she did not keep it to a reasonable level of tidiness (and wrote out what that meant) she would lose the right to privacy and i would enter the room and clear it out of rubbish/dishes/dirty clothes. She scrunched up paper out of anger and refused to sign but after several weeks and three 'incursions' to clean up, room is at a much more acceptable standard, even though tension surrounding issue remains

Please do listen to sensible advice like from the deer and monte. Your daughter needs your time and encouragement.

Her stuff has now been moved into the box room, bed, wardrobe, clothes, stereo.

I cannot fine her pocket money for untidiness as she is still paying me back the £175 it cost me to fix her iPad air screen after she left it on the floor, and trod on it. Her choice to get it fixed. She will be paying that back until November.

The DD's both do dishwasher and ironing chores, and the bedrooms were given with the ensuites on the understanding that they would keep them tidy - to an acceptable level. I'm not anal about tidiness but there comes a limit.... I think they are both well aware what is tolerable and what we deem unacceptable. I have spent lots of time showing and explaining and supporting with cleaning and tidying advice. I have encouraged, cajoled and praised. I have also lost my rag and screeched like a banshee.

I have binbagged on several occasions, ie removed everything on the floor including phones, iPads, iPods, hair dryers, makeup bags, clothing (all the usual teenage female accoutrements) and stored it in our room, allowing her to earn it back a bit at a time.

I have fined her, removed wifi access, and sky card (yes she has a tv, DVD and skybox, not been moved to the box room).

But she seems to have reached a whole new level now. After toiletgate the whole house reeked, and the other children had to wait outside while we fumigated.

I understand why some of you say be understanding, it's a cry for help, she has MH issues, but I know my dd. She's a happy, chatty, confident teenager, who is excelling at school and has a solid circle of friends. She is not depressed. She is a lazy teenager who quite frankly is a spoilt little madam. And I accept my part and my blame in that. I have spoilt her. And for a while she needs to learn that if you don't look after all that you have you can lose it.

Crikey, I wish I had an iPad, an iPod, Sky TV and an ensuite.

And I own my own house!

Well done, OP. Don't berate yourself for spoiling her, if thats what you believe, looks like you are taking the right course.

And MN can cry "MH!" a lot.
(And that's coming from someone who has MH ishooos!)

Well done OP. I'm sure you have done the right thing perhaps a little late

After regular warnings from my parents, a note was left in my room which said

"If things are left upon this floor, you'll then not see them any more."

We had a home-help cleaner, but it was my responsibility to do my room. I didn't, so to things would end up in bin bags.

I'm now a messy adult who has to try really hard to be tidy for the sake of others. Tidying doesn't come naturally. I can't do that "thing" where people move things around and make it look better. Now I tell myself I will put 10 things away, then stop. After that I can do another ten or do something else. Maybe something like that would help her?

I think you have completely done the right thing. She will have to learn there are consequences to her actions, and I think that is best for all of you
well done op

Well done OP, now you have to stay strong, you are teaching your DD a life lesson.

You've done the right thing... What has she said? Will you clean her room now all the stuff has been moved out or will she?

Well done OP..hope this improves things