AIBU to move my daughter out of her double ensuite bedroom into box room for gross untidiness?

[Incandescentrage]

We built an extension 3 years ago, and incorporated 2 double ensuite rooms for our daughters (yep, lucky them). Both are untidy buggers but I can expect that (I was as a teenager) but one is worse than the other, i.e. constantly spills tea on the bed, leaves yoghurt pots under the bed, dirty laundry everywhere, it's manky. But despite begging, asking, shouting etc for her to keep it tidy she won't. I had got to the point where I figured she has to live in it, I don't, just don't go in there. Last weekend my husband noticed that she had gone out and left her bathroom light on and fan going in the middle of the day, so he went in to switch them off. There were used sanitary towels on the bed and in the bathroom sink, yoghurt pots, cereal bowls and mugs scattered liberally about, clothes everywhere, mostly dirty, and the toilet was blocked. The toilet blockage had been so for several days by the state of it, but she had continued to use it, it was full to the brim, took us two hours to unblock it, which involved putting my arm in it away past the elbow to try to shift the blockage, as well as my dh having to faff about with the cesspit.

AIBU to be moving all her stuff into the box room today as a punishment (which has been threatened for the last 3years)?

It was a lot more than sweet wrappers, it was a bit lime the ops dd only without the used sanpro. Dirty washing on the floor, plates and general crap, my room was disgusting to be honest. I was a lazy dirty teen, sadly.

I was the same as a teenager. I wasn't depressed! just untidy.

I don't necessarily think she's spoilt either.

But I don't think you would be unreasonable to move her, I'd warn her first though x

Studyfulltime - I disagree with UsualSuspectt and don't think your mum was disproportionate, particularly since as you say she had nagged and nagged you about it.

She was true to her word, my sisters and I took notice of what she said from then after! It was the straw that broke the camels back and I think that's what the OP will have to do to her DD.

I think I would give her one final chance. She has to help you finish cleaning and tidying the room, and then it has to stay tidy. If it has deteriorated after, say, a fortnight, it's the box room for her.

Dirty clothes on the floor plus cups and dishes strewn about the place are par for the course with teenagers I'm afraid but the sanpro on the bed and in the sink plus the blocked lav are beyond the bloody pale.

SHE should be moving her stuff into the box-room, not you.

Did you say she'd been warned before about keeping her luxury pad in some form of semi-decent state or else? If so, it's because you've not made good on your threats that it's come to this.

Flat-mates and landlords would have her out on her ear before you can say "knife" if she was to do this anywhere else other than at home.

Yanbu, but is something else wrong?

I still have a tendency to be very messy, disorganised. Having less helps.

It certainly shaped me and came in handy when I joined the army. It taught me about consequences and what would happen if I didn't do as I was told.

It has also had an effect on the way I parent and I always follow through on my threats.

I wouldn't be changing the bedroom, my mum was always doing this. I felt like I had no privacy.

If she gets pocket money start charging her for the mess.

If you live in luxury in the family home you're not entitled to privacy. Well, not the type of privacy where you can leave used sanpro strewn about the place and a blocked lav you don't tell anyone about but still keep using!

Sounds like a cry for attention to me. I don't think harsh reprisals would help.

I was a disgusting pig as a teenager (though would never have left used sanitary towels out, blech). I was definitely NOT depressed. And I grew out of it. It helped that my parents displayed their disgust and displeasure periodically and made me clean it up.

We moved DSSs 18 & 20 to smaller rooms for similar reasons but think sticky masses of tissues and pet poo contaminated bedding on floor with other crap. Toilet tissue and piss on the bathroom floor.

Did all normal punishments, no wifi, moved to bagging everything up and placed in attic then moved to putting them both in small box rooms. Still filthy. At a loss. With us 50/50. Mum has similar issues. DH and her have to give reports on 'change over!'. No depression. Just lazy.

My room was terrible as a teenager tbh. No used sanpro though- that's really gross! I wouldn't be that worried about the eating and wrappers, possibly by drawing attention to it specifically you might find you're more likely to have issues... But yes- if box room has been threatened then go through with it. 3 years is far too long for a threat to work so at least now make sure you follow it through!

Wow. You couldn't see the floor of my bedroom some most days, but there was never anything that would require a hazmat suit to come clean. I always threw away food wrappers in the trash can next to my desk. My problem was and is clutter control.

My mom tried nipping it in the bud early by threatening to get rid of all my toys as a kid if I didn't clean my room every day. I didn't, she did. I kept clean for quite some time after that it helped that I had less toys to clean up. I was still messy as a teenager and she just sort of gave up a losing battle, and left me to it as long as I still contributed to cleaning the house.

This seems like an abnormal amount of mess though. Does she have any LD's? Things like dyslexia, adhd, aspergers, can all affect executive functioning to be able to break tasks like cleaning down. I have dyscalculia and adhd, and messes for me get to the point of being too overwhelming to tackle if I don't keep up with it. How is she with school work, social life, everything else? If it's just the room, she's lazy. If she's disorganized and struggling elsewhere this could just be a symptom to a bigger problem.

Even so, you can apply the same tips for NT people to help:

• Designated cleaning and laundry days
• Extra trash cans in the room (we have three in some rooms and it prevents most messes before they start)
• Disposable dishes for snacks or any food meant to be eaten away from the kitchen.
• Once a year go through stuff you don't need and donate it. You can't clutter with items you don't have.
• Boxes that random clutter can be thrown in. When it gets full, sort it/toss it.
• More than one hamper so when you take clothes off you can sort at the same time.

Anyway, yes get rid of some stuff. You can't have a mess with fewer items. Moving to a different room won't teach her good habits it'll just take away the mess. So if you do move her room make sure you keep up with her house cleaning skills as well.

She is 14 so still a child teen not and adult teen. You need to set the rules/boundaries and follow through with the consequences if she doesn't do what she is told. A certain level of messiness is expected in a teen but what you describe has gone beyond that.

I would move her bed and the minimum she needs into the box room and once she can show that she can keep that clean and tidy she can earn back her belongings. Over time she can eventually earn her room back.

I would also expect her to help do a deep clean in her current bedroom. Maybe you need to be proactive in teaching her how to clean her room and bathroom properly so you are clear about your expectations.

As a mum of two DD's (age 16 and 21) i have had to take serious action in the past to make sure they understood what was acceptable in terms of bedroom/bathroom cleanliness!

Personally, I think moving her into the box room and making ber sort ber old room in manageable chunks is a very good idea.

Neither of my DDs aorouch that level of messiness, but DD2 is awful with plates, mugs, rubbish and not putting clean clothes away.

It's straight attention seeking cheek (I'm a SAHM) she thinks I have all the time in the world to pick up after her and by getting me to do so she feels safe, loved and in control.

I suspect your DD is taking a quiet, maybe even subconscious, dig at you for being away, working, when you shold be her willing slave.

Don't worry about it. Neither of us can win!

Teens mind games are just as illogical as those of toddlers, we just have to survive them while imposing some sort of order on the house.

You should have let her unblock the loo with you and DH assisting next to her.

Move her. I agree. She can earn the room back if she is tidy for the next 6 months.

I was a messy teen and it was basically that I didn't know how to keep on top of stuff. Am also dyslexic.

Instead of shouting and getting cross, tell her at 6pm and 8am on the dot your husband or yourself will inspect her room daily. Then see it through. Designate Saturday mornings for hoovering her room, wiping surfaces etc. routine is key to keeping tidy.

Also on a different note, what do the children do round the house? Do they cook or load the dishwasher?

Also what's her storage like? Has she too much stuff? What can she chuck? Get her to move rooms and get rid of lots of things. The less she has the easier it is to keep tidy.

Also fine her. So if you discover she's been eating in her room fine her £1 for each item. A yogurt pot and a crisp packet would be £2 pounds. Take the money off her pocket money.

Or alternatively make her earn her pocket money. So each daily room inspection where she has a tidy room results in her receiving 1/7 of her pocket money.

Move her - she's being beyond disrespectful. My mum wouldn't have hesitated to call us dirty pigs if we'd let our rooms get that bad.

Your daughter is calling your bluff every time because you're not following through on punishments. Move all her shit into the box room, take the hard line and I guarantee she'll learn some respect.

My dd is like this (including dirty pads in knickers on the floor). She is otherwise lovely, just lives in a pit. It's not a sign of anything beside laziness in her case, and I wasn't that dissimilar at her age. I don't go into her room much, and when I do I complain/tease but leave her to it. We have a weekly tidy and clean day when both children's rooms have to be acceptable (and they contribute to cleaning the rest of the house) and they do their own washing. We've not yet had to sanction them, they moan about doing the cleaning but I think as we all muck in it's harder to object to.

If I had been the OP I would have made her dd unblock her own loo as natural consequences are I think the most effective (although not if it was purely blocked by pads etc and I'd not told her that was a no no because that doesn't seem totally fair). As that's already been done I'd move her out temporarily until she has deep cleaned her room, and talk through with her how she can manage the mess better. I'd not make that a permanent move though.

That is gross. I'd move her immediately. I was messy as a teenager but it was only clothes.

Gross. Ban all food in bedrooms and fine or turn of wifi etc.