AIBU to move my daughter out of her double ensuite bedroom into box room for gross untidiness?

[Incandescentrage]

We built an extension 3 years ago, and incorporated 2 double ensuite rooms for our daughters (yep, lucky them). Both are untidy buggers but I can expect that (I was as a teenager) but one is worse than the other, i.e. constantly spills tea on the bed, leaves yoghurt pots under the bed, dirty laundry everywhere, it's manky. But despite begging, asking, shouting etc for her to keep it tidy she won't. I had got to the point where I figured she has to live in it, I don't, just don't go in there. Last weekend my husband noticed that she had gone out and left her bathroom light on and fan going in the middle of the day, so he went in to switch them off. There were used sanitary towels on the bed and in the bathroom sink, yoghurt pots, cereal bowls and mugs scattered liberally about, clothes everywhere, mostly dirty, and the toilet was blocked. The toilet blockage had been so for several days by the state of it, but she had continued to use it, it was full to the brim, took us two hours to unblock it, which involved putting my arm in it away past the elbow to try to shift the blockage, as well as my dh having to faff about with the cesspit.

AIBU to be moving all her stuff into the box room today as a punishment (which has been threatened for the last 3years)?

From some of the teenage girls I have been told about I am afraid this sounds completely typical.

I honestly don't understand how some of them can live in complete squalor and filth.

Funnily enough both of the parents are the anal clean and tidy types.

I have a boy and he isn't much better despite yelling and nagging.

YANBU at all. This is disgusting behaviour.

Move her. Minger.

Oh, and we have had the 'talk' about feminine hygiene, don't flush it, bought her (and her sister) nappy sacks for san pro disposal, plus they both have bins. I have no idea why it got to this.

Incidentally I am the main breadwinner and am away 2-3 x week, so cannot check it daily. At 14yo I don't really expect to have to check daily. And dh is her stepdad, not her dad, so awkward for him to check her sanpro hygiene, bad enough with his own dd. She knows we have busy lives and I have asked her to help by just being tidy after herself.

And yes, she has a laundry basket...

If this isn't drummed in now, then when she leaves home (uni/flatshare) she will encounter really serious problems, to the point where she will lose friends over it.

I have worried about bulimia with her, she has been a secret eater for years. I have tried to not make a big deal out of it, in the hope she would grow out of it.

If that is likely what should I do?

Messy bedroom - fine, let them live in it.

Filthy bedroom - shows lack of respect, disgustingness and frankly, chilsishness.

Move her stuff today and ban all food and drink in her room.

Turn the en suite bedroom into a nice guest room and put a lock on it.

Horrific.

Maybe if you finally follow through on what you threaten she will understand she needs to take heed.

If you're worried about bulimia and eating disorders then it isn't a great idea to let her have an en suite bathroom - so I guess that's another reason to move her to the box room.

Do you have a rule about no food in bedrooms? If not, make one immediately, for both DDs.

Then surely moving her into the box room where she doesn't have an en suite would make it easier for such a disorder to come to light?

Holy crap - dirty little madam! (sorry, I realise she is your dd and probably has many other redeeming features)

She can't plead ignorance (you've warned her about not flushing san pro etc) so since she had wilfully disregarded instructions to keep her room tidy then the box room sounds a good plan with the incentive to earn her bedroom back after a fortnight or so of tidiness in the box room.

Agree it is not necessarily indicative of depression - my dd is also capable of living in squalor if left to own devices, and her problem is that she is lazy and we've been too soft and easy going (trying to address that now)

Also the danger of turning a blind eye to moderate untidiness in her room - from one who has been there - is a moth infestation. The clothes moth loves dark dusty places and piles of dirty discarded clothes and will lay trillions of eggs there which subsequently hatch into fabric eating larvae (clothes, carpets, soft furnishings all are at risk)

You've threatened it so I think you should follow through.

And if you are worried about bulimia, this has the added advantage of her not having a very private toilet.

So my teenage DSD is liable to leaving dirty clothes on the floor, unmade bed etc but nothing on the scale you described.

Upshot is I or DH do a weekly inspection and if it's not sorted out then all privileges stop (pocket money, trips into town, wifi access).

The fact it's so bad actually says you and your husband are partly to blame here. Why do you let her eat in her room for example?

So my advice would be to draw up a list of rules and enforce them.

If she won't keep her room tidy and clean then:

1. All privileges stop

1. You will move her into the box room

The rules should be the same for both kids.

Your daughter's sense of hygiene is shocking, but tbh I'm more shocked at you for allowing it to get to this point tbh.

We do have a no food in the bedrooms rule, but she ignores it. It also leads to her hiding wrappers and wot not which I think is unhealthy. I can't check it daily because I am not always here. We have tried sanctions, groundings, loss of pocket money, no wifi, works for a few weeks then we all relax and bingo back where we started.

I am despairing now. Messy I can put up with, but her room was a biohazard.

I would move her, the shock of not having a lovely room/own bathroom might be the kick up the bum she needs.

I was a messy teen and would hide all my contraband (my sweetie wrappers) in my room, my mum nagged me for ages then one day I came home from school and all my stuff had gone to the tip, and I mean all of it. I lost pretty much everything but my mum had given me several warnings but thought she didn't mean it.

It took me a lesson and still after 20 years I remember that moment. I'm very tidy and look after my stuff.

There is your answer.

You don't follow through with sanctions....

She gets away with it because she can.

I wouldn't have cleaned her room up either. I'd have rung dynorod and taken from her allowance.

Quite frankly you need to toughen up.

I genuinely think this goes way beyond normal teen messiness and is almost a form of self harm.
I would hold off with the punishments / sanctions and see if you can get her to open up about any worries/ concerns she has.

This is even worse that my DD's efforts, and her room used to be pretty bad.

I would make her spring clean it with you, and then cull her possessions to make room management easier, and give her a list of tasks that must be completed each week in order for her to hang on to her room. If she doesn't complete the tasks, there must be escalating sanctions, with a monastic box room the ultimate sanction.

Weekly inspections on a Sunday afternoon may be enough of a warning shot to lead to sufficient improvement.

I would move her into the garden shed with a bucket if thats how she wants to live!!

Well I have a nearly 16 year old and although it shames me to say it if her room was not checked daily and if I didn't pickup and removed cups and plates I'm really not sure how much better it would be. At 14 we had a few phases of SP in the bedroom (boak) but she was yelled at so hard and shamed by being told the cleaner had complained (she hadn't and I caught it before she was put in that position) that she pulled up her socks. I can't imagine how the bathroom got in that state though - don't you at least go into it a couple of times a week to check bog roll, soap, shampoo levels and to collect dirty towels, etc. I do.

"I said, get the dirties from your bedroom"
eye roll "in a minute"
"I SAID NOW AND THAT MEANS RIGHT NOW"
Huff and puff and stomp upstairs

It's tough OP but honestly you do just have to keep on at them like a duracell battery.

I have made a rod for my own back in that when I have said "what on earth will you do when you live in your own home/have children?" mine have just retorted "have au-pairs and cleaners like you did". [strength emoticon]. To be honest, I did nothing as a teenager including leaving my dirty knickers on the floor and never making my bed but I lived in a pristine home and knew what a pristine home looked like so when it came to it I wasn't prepared to settle for less. Crosses fingers and toes that mine will be the same.