To be upset with mindee's family?

[BobTheFly]

Upset being a little sad not upset as in cross.

They didn't even give me a card for my birthday. I've looked after their children for 5 years and not once have I received so much as a happy birthday text.

Yes yes I know it's a business relationship and they aren't obliged too but isn't it just a nice thing to do? A show of appreciation type thing? I always send birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, Easter eggs and treat them as my own. I feel like they just see me purely as my role and not as a person.

I received lovely (not expensive) things from other, newer families but it seems the longer term ones couldn't give a shit. Small bunch of flowers and home made card and money were what I got from the others.

Aibu to be surprised that they couldn't even bother to send a card? I feel like I want to stop going 'above and beyond' for them. They have a big favour coming up that they want me to do and I feel like saying no now.

OP, leaving aside the birthday stuff, you sound as if you have slightly blurred boundaries around how you relate to your mindees and their parents.

No, of course childminding isn't like packing biscuits on a factory production line - you do invest emotionally and imaginatively etc etc -but at the same time, although you are clearly very fond of the children, they aren't family. They aren't even friends. You have what sounds like an excellent working relationship with their parents, and of course when the service you provide us childcare for their kids, it's never going to be 'just' financial, as if you cut their grass or did their tax returns.

But it sounds as if you think of that relationship as closer to family/friend than it us in the eyes of your mindees' parents. Surely you should be charging for 'extras', rather than leaving yourself out of pocket and resenting they don't reciprocate with presents? And surely, assuming the 'favour' you are doing fir them us some extra/evening childcare, it hasn't a 'favour', it's an extra service you are providing and being paid for appropriately? You do 'favours' for friends, not people for whom you provide a paid service...?

I don't mean to sound harsh. You sound like a lovely childminder. I also have a wonderful childminder, but I have no idea when her birthday is.

I would compare you to a school or nursery. You are being paid to do a job which happens to be caring for children. It is normal for part of that to involve working with the children to create things to take home, particularly christmas, easter, etc and yes, it's nice that you have extended that to birthdays, that's something that it is possible to do because you are on a smaller scale.

But it's not a two way relationship in that way. It's really more part of the service they are buying in a way. You wouldn't get parents having their children to make cards for their teacher's birthday. I suppose you might, but it would in no way be expected because the relationship is not reciprocal like that. So while it is nice and it is sweet if you do get those things, it is not any sort of ? rejection? loss? failure? if you don't.

If you feel that you are blurring boundaries and getting emotional and doing personal favours then maybe you need to step back a bit and put it back on to a more professional setting - they are paying for a service, you are providing it and they get from you a lovely caring professional who is working with their children and doing lots of great activities. So plan your activities, write your notes, see yourself as the well trained professional that you are and put them in that little box, iyswim.

Happy Birthday though was it this sunday just gone?

I have never given my childminder a birthday card. Never, ever occurred to me that I would? I don't even know when her birthday is. I might let my kids make her one if they knew when the birthday was and told me and wanted to. Hasn't happened though. Have also never given any of their teacher's or playgroup workers cards.

If you were my CM and I knew it was your birthday, I would probably get you a card. Sorry if that shocks anyone.

I wouldn't actively seek out this info though, and might well forget if you told me too far in advance.

Also, I always have my birthday off work too. We don't really do big prezzies in my family, but me and DP always try to do something nice together like a meal or a walk in the country. Again, sorry if this offends anyone.

I have to say I do find it strange (althoughnot offensive!) when adults place so much important on their own birthday, unless its a big one i guess. However if all that is your bag then you are of course entitled to take the day off.

But as a grown adult, being upset and considering retracti? a favour because parents didn't give you a card for your birthday? Seriously?!! That's just bonkers!

Are you sure they know it is your birthday? Have you told them? Have you made it clear it is a big deal for you?
It isn't a big deal for most adults, so you need to recognise this and realise you are not being snubbed or slighted.
If they ignored Christmas or never gave you some kind of gift/thank you at some point in the year, I would think that was a little bit socially unaware, but adults don't tend to gift to other adults unless close friends.
Do you give gifts to your hairdresser, dentist, gym teacher etc? Do you know when their birthdays are? If not, you are in the same position as your mindees parents.

I work with a woman who is very keen on her birthday. Her husband has to take her away for a weekend, grown up children have to come back for a celebration, she seems to have 2 or 3 gatherings with friends. It is a big deal to her.....and tbh, she is quite childlike in many ways. I see her reaction to her birthday and her need for everyone else to make a big deal of it, as part of this child likeness of hers. Somehow needs the attention.

Totally up to you when you take your hols op!

Mind you I am very grateful my CM only takes two weeks a holidays a year as I would have huge problems working around five weeks of her choice, if they fell in the weeks I use her.

Mind you, I never send the children when I am off, but still pay her for those days, so really she is better off only stating she is taking two weeks :-) My children go term time only.

When my children went to a childminder term time only, I had one where I paid nothing in the hols and another where I paid half. Of course all arranged upfront, with term dates provided a year in advance.
My childminder liked to justbhavebher children with her in the hols. Suited us both, so I was lucky.
I gave a present at the end of the summer term and at Christmas and flowers at Easter, plus a small gift for her kids at Christmas, but no birthday cards, although she always got a small gift for my child's birthday.
Still send Christmas cards although child hasn't been with CM for several years. Still no birthday cards!
I have lots of friends and most of us don't exchange birthday cards either. No one has ever seemed bothered in the slightest.

Actually we're about to leave our childminder after 9 years and I've always given her a card and a present for her birthday and at Christmas! If it wasn't for her, I couldn't have gone to work.

And I may well take my birthday off every year too. I usually have lunch out and sometimes have some pampering.