To be upset with mindee's family?

[BobTheFly]

Upset being a little sad not upset as in cross.

They didn't even give me a card for my birthday. I've looked after their children for 5 years and not once have I received so much as a happy birthday text.

Yes yes I know it's a business relationship and they aren't obliged too but isn't it just a nice thing to do? A show of appreciation type thing? I always send birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, Easter eggs and treat them as my own. I feel like they just see me purely as my role and not as a person.

I received lovely (not expensive) things from other, newer families but it seems the longer term ones couldn't give a shit. Small bunch of flowers and home made card and money were what I got from the others.

Aibu to be surprised that they couldn't even bother to send a card? I feel like I want to stop going 'above and beyond' for them. They have a big favour coming up that they want me to do and I feel like saying no now.

I have bought birthday cards and presents for teachers in Primary if the DSs have asked to. No teacher has had them for 5 years straight though.

I am rubbish with birthday's. I didn't even get my DF a card this year (although he was on holiday at the time). It would never, ever have crossed my mind to give my CM a birthday card and i was really friendly with her.

I suspect birthdays mean more to you than they mean to other families. I think you just have to be grown up and accept that all families are different.

I work with families. I sometimes have a quite intense relationship with them and the nature of my work means that boundaries are slightly blurry (although maintained IYSWIM).

I sometimes get presents at Christmas and when we finish working together and sometimes I don't.

You can never predict which family will do it and I would certainly never, ever expect it.

I have had loads of professionals involved in the lives of my five children, particularly two of them and there is no way I could deal with the pressure of having to remember their birthdays and think about what to buy them. I had people who spent two years trying to save the life of my DD and I didn't buy them a present!

This doesn't mean that I am not incredibly grateful for their work and value what they have done for us.

I don't get teachers end of year presents either. It seems like a weird custom that has become over blown to me.

I still think teachers do one of the most valuable jobs in the world though.

YABU. You are employed to look after their children and paid to do it. Why on earth should they give you a birthday card. Unless you are friends with them socially why would you expect a card or even expect the parents to know when your birthday is.

Blimey, who knew this was such a hot topic

Of course you aren't BU.
You would be if you'd spent the morning crying into your cornflakes but being 'a little bit sad' really isn't a crime!

No, it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things and they certainly aren't obliged to do anything, but 5 years is a long time and a card would have been nice, I can see that.

Everywhere I've ever worked has always had a quick whip-round for birthdays and when I was a manager I always got a little something. I don't think that's weird or unprofessional or entitled or any of the other bizarre insults being thrown around.

There's an awful lot of anger on this thread, does anyone want to talk about it? It's really not good to be carrying it around all the time. Let it go.

They probably consider your "birthday present" to be not moaning about having to cover that day's childcare. Having it off every year is hardly going to make them want to celebrate it coming around.

OK, you are obviously someone who sets great store by your birthday because you take the day off and have that in your contract.

If I was your client, I would certainly work with my DC to make you a card from them, and send you a small gift from the children, and I think it is a bit sad and unnappreciative that they don't do that.

But some people don't really bother about adult birthdays, or not beyond theier own children / DH.

If I was your client I would:
-see that birthdays were important to you, hence day off
-gladly facilitate a card and gift from the children, because they should be acknowledgling your birthday, and it's a nice thing to do
-be a bit irritated about the day off because whereas of course you must take hol, it is a nightmare for working parents to cover a one off day that can't be taken as part of a proper holiday. I would prefer holidays to be preoper week long stints so that I could co-ordinate family holiday at the same time. And think that as an adult I do not expect a day off my job because it is my birthday.

Ahhh OP I do feel for you as you sound sad, but the thing is, I think you're taking their lack of card/acknowledgement as a sign they don't care about you and are totally unappreciative of what you do for them. That may be true of course (though I doubt it! you sound like a CM treasure) but just the fact of 'getting no birthday card' isn't a sign of that.

It's a sign that they don't really notice/care about birthdays, and many people don't, we don't make a really big thing of them in my family either.

Hopefully they are nice to you in other ways - occasionally thanking you for looking after the DC so well, etc - ?

It is reasonable to expect a token gift/card from the mindees at Christmas - we can all remember that it's Christmas, what with all the decs up from early October these days. If they ignore Xmas, I'd say you are right to feel undervalued.

The only people who HAVE to remember your birthday are you, your DH and your parents. If your employers remember to say Happy Birthday, or did you have a nice day on your birthday - well, that's more than fair.

I don't know about the day off thing. Being self employed enables you to do that though. It's in the contract. TBF the clients don't even need to know why you have that day off every year do they? Could be a variety of reasons none of which is their business.

To spell out the professional impact of taking your birthday off:

If your clients have to take a day off work, that may effectively mean that they can't take another week as a complete week within which to go on holiday.

You sound like a brilliant childminder, and because of that I would take a deep breath and accommodate your contractual random midweek holiday day, but I would actually consider it a sort of favour that I accepted such T&C.

cute I don't agree with the undervalued thing. Honestly. I know that some of the families who valued my input most are the ones that barely said thank you let alone remembered my birthday or got me something for Christmas.

I always got my son's 1:1 teaching assistant a birthday present because he really wanted to. I would never get anyone but friends and family otherwise. I do give teachers end of year thanks gifts if they have gone out of their way for my child, but that's out of 30 kids.
Where I work you bring in a cake on your own birthday and we share it on our 40 minutes lunch break-no chance of a lazy day!
I thoroughly judged one of my children's teachers for not staying til 6 on a meet the new class teacher night as he was going out for a birthday meal! I am going to ds1's open evening on my 40th birthday- obviously I'll celebrate at the weekend

It was a Sunday this year but it's in my contract as a holiday day I always take off if it's a weekday.

WTF?? Seriously?

I've been self employed for ten years and this would never even occur to me unless it was a very special birthday and even then...

If you worked on your birthday, you could have cake and a little celebration with your mindees. That would be the equivalent of what most adults get (they bring cake in to share with workmates in most places I have worked). One or two friends in work might get a card and a small gift but plenty of colleagues will just stuff the cake and ignore the occasion. Which is fine. As an adult, I expect my parents and husband to remember my birthday and do something to mark the occasion. If anyone else does (BIL, gparents, friends) I consider that a bonus.

I really don't have to justify how I choose to use my annual leave. I take 5 weeks each year and the dates are given out in January. I do not charge for my time off and offer to arrange a cover minder if they like. This family said yes please so they went to her and paid her instead. No time off needed on their part and no extra cost. Other families wanted to arrange their own cover or took a day off.

YANBU - I get it. You invest real emotion and affection in caring for the DC - and it is jarring if you get back 'contractual minimum' attitude. Birthdays isn't everybody's thing - but you should treat a CM like a friend not like a contractor.

OP - post a reverse AIBU. "My DD asked the CM for a second slice of toast. The CM told my DD that the contract stated that they received one slice of toast and one glass of squash each after school. "

You don't have to justify, but it might be wise to consider how it is viewed by your clients, and certainly it will impact on their enthusiasm to celebrate your birthday.

I don't understand the strong reactions but equally I don't understand why you are so disappointed. I'm a nanny, I've had for families over the past three years (two at one time) and for each pair I've had, only one family of the pair knew that it was my birthday. It is nice to have your birthday acknowledged when you look after people's kids, but I don't expect it!

My birthday was earlier in the week and I worked from 8-4, i got sent home early by my boss (i usually work until 6) as she thought it would be nice for me to see my DP before going to babysit my old charges! I was supposed to be out of the house from 725 until 1am. My 7yo charge was apparently really shocked that I wanted to work on my birthday!

BobTheFly I totally understand the feeling that they take you for granted when you go above and beyond for them.

Nannying is more than a business transaction IMO as there are human relationships involved here. You are a fundamental part of your mindees life and their development. You're much more than a "business transaction" to them at least.

I used to be a nanny, and some families I worked for treated me like an extension of the family. I always went above and beyond for them, and nearly 20 years later I am still in contact and friends with the families, including the kids (they are adults now, scary! )

On the other hand, one family in particular always treated me in a way that made me feel like they were trying to screw as much work out of me as possible for the least money, and consequently I didn't do them favours when they asked, usually.

The birthday thing is a bit of a red herring I think, however. Some people just don't do birthdays really. DP doesn't always get me birthday or christmas presents (nor does he always get them for his family). He's generous in other ways, but just doesn't "do" presents. It would never occur to him to do a present for me from the DCs (I asked him to do this this year), let alone for an employee.

The crucial thing is whether they make you feel under-appreciated in other ways I think. The birthday thing shouldn't concern you too much.

And you think ahead and plan your birthday off - it's even in your contract? Brilliant! I wish I had the foresight to do this - why on earth not?!
I suppose the people who are incredulous about this never take any leave to have fun do they? Like holidays and the like?

You sound like a great nanny btw :)

I don't see why people are objecting to you having your birthday off. It is your choice.

I have had a random day off for my DS school play every year.I don't decide when it is. The school does.

I have never had a Christmas present off any of my mindee's parents they give one to my DS though. I am grateful for that. Don't expect it but it is nice. I certainly don't think anything if I don't get any gifts or cards.

Do you get Christmas cards from them?

As to be honest I'm not sure that I remembered our lovely CMs birthday every time when DS was there, but I did make sure that I got her a Christmas gift and card, and made her a special card when DS left and a special present.

Some people are better than remembering birthdays and attaching importance to them than others. I, as you can probably guess, am not one of those people - flip side is that I'm not bothered about receiving cards and it's always a bonus to get them.

TBH if you are off on your birthday I'd probably be more concerned about getting the arrangements sorted for the replacement CM than getting you a card - also as they are not seeing you on your birthday then less impetus to get you something.

I can't see a single problem with the op taking her birthday off work if that's what she wants and everyone affected is aware in plenty of time etc. How is that anyone's business?

The flipside is that if you did have the mindees then they might bring a card.

I always get birthday and Xmas presents for my cm's dc. I do try to get her a birthday card but am a bit crap. She does always get a family Xmas present from us that I know she likes. I would be surprised if she was hurt on the birthday card for her failures though!

I always take my birthday off as annual leave if it falls on a work day

I bought the girls at my ds's nursery some donuts just because and I suspect it's almost never done cos they seemed to go down v well. I love buying people presents but I guess lots of people are not bothered or can't afford to?

I always get our CM a card & present for her birthday, and a Christmas present as well. Just like I get Mother's Day cards, Christmas cards & birthday cards and presents 'made' by my toddlers which are really made by her. That's not her job, it's an extra that she makes an effort for - for me. So I reciprocate. I think that's fairly normal when you employ people in a more personal capacity.
As for holidays, they're in your contract, you give them notice - take it when you like for what you like.