In fact I know I'm not. I just want you to agree with me.

[Moralityissue]

First off, I'm not going to LTB over this (though he might end up on the sofa)

I KNOW (how many people have said this and gone on to realise it's them!) I'm not being unreasonable but genuinely not sure just how unreasonable DH has been.. I'm fairly livid.. And I don't get livid very often.

Got a text from dh last week saying very simply 'got some people coming round Friday to see if we are eligable for solar panels' I reply oh ok, and absolutely nothing more is said.

Get home from work today and there are two people in my living room discussing something about solar panels.. I nip in and out literally as I then run off to get the kids from school. (I want to add here I even said 'do you need me for something?' He said no.. I left.

When I get back they are packing up ready to leave and pointing out what a clever bloke dh is for picking their company.

He's signed a contract. Apparently (and I'm far too livid to actually care right now) it's a £10,000 panel but that if the shortfall costs money the company guarantee to pay it.. I have absolutely no idea what he's signed up too. None. Only that the guy who sold it as he was running to avoid my obviously anger said that we don't actually pay anything but that we have signed something with tesco finance oh and some crap thing about we will make £60,000

I waited till they had left and then was very very angry. Told dh he had absolutely no right to make a decision like that without consulting me, it's my house too etc. Then I stormed upstairs where I remain. He hasn't come to apologise

Several points I will make here to avoid drip feeding.

• Dh is a genius, he will have examined this a thousand points over and if he says we are covered we probably are (hardly the point though) he works in financial services and is very money savvy.

• DH earns probably 5 times the amount I do (again I don't think it matters but for the sake of fairness I will include it)

So.. AIBU (and I'm obviously not) but just how livid should I be here? The only thing dh has said in his own defence is that 'well if you object we can cancel it'

And what's worse is that it doesn't matter if he cancels them now.. Because he will only be doing it to shut me up.. If it was because I was upset he would have done it within minutes of me realising.

Of course he is utterly unreasonable - ge should never have signed up for something sw major without your agreement.

A bigger issue is whether you actually can cancel - for one thing , he's the person they have a contract with. Also , I have a feeling that the doorstep selling regulations, which I think have to have a cancellation clause, don't apply here because they were invited in for a pre-arranged appointment.

Might be worth you googling on trading standards - the site I quickly looked at highlighted this as a huge source of recent complaints.

YANBU!!!!
There is no way he should have done this- does he think he's the 'head of household?!'
You were excluded from the meeting anyway based on the fact that he arranged it at school run time, but why the hell should he agree to this without consultation?!!
Erecting something on the house you jointly own without your input and taking in finance without your input is totally wrong.
I'm not surprised you're angry, I would be absolutely seething.

OP.

He doesn't get that you did trust him. You trusted him to consider you an equal partner in your relationship, worthy of consultation on big-ticket item decisions. And now he has betrayed that trust.

Select that's it. That's exactly it.

I feel so betrayed. I'm absolutely gutted and I genuinely can't see a way past this.. Not even the original purchase, but his reaction to it.

Is it worth getting some couples counselling, to try and discuss it from each others' perspective in a neutral space ?

Why did you not insist on being present when you received the original text about 'discussing eligibility for solar panels'? You didn't discuss it at all before they came? Sounds as though you weren't bothered. Nobody makes an appointment to 'discuss' an installation without preparing for the hard sell; it's a bit late to start throwing tantrums now because you weren't consulted; you were.

YANBU

I would have expected a decision like this to be a discussion - it's a matter of respect.

The solar panel may be a good idea - retired friends say spending 10K on them been the thing that has made them the most money of all their investments. However we haven't taken the many solar panel companies around here up on the schemes - though many of our neighbours have because we knew we wanted to sell. Despite what the solar panel company’s claim not all potential buyers view them positively. It's not a straight forward decsion.

His behavior is very worrying - if he can't grasp what why what he has done is wrong ther eis no saying that it won't occur again.

My DH works away - he can't always be there for the 'discussing eligibility', meeting sales people for products like windows, electrics, having bathrooms fitted and stuff - all things we've had done.

Even when he has been - one of us has on ocassion still had to pop out to pick DC up.

It does not mean we do not take the time to talk things through and make desions togther before signing stuff. It's not even been discused between us - it's just what we do and assume the other will.

Well it's just got 100 times worse.

Dh has now said that I've irreconcilably damaged the relationship by the way I've over reacted and I'm effectively bullying him with my tears and 'sulking'

He's cancelled the contract but as we are now equal expects 50% of all outgoings to be met by me.

Oh and obviously I really need to consider just what a spoilt brat I am.

His email (couldn't give a fuck if I'm outed now tbh)

So in essence I've destroyed the trust you had in me, made you feel like a second class citizen, gone behind your back? Who would have thought solar panels were that influential.....

I've cancelled the order, and by definition will be cancelling the credit application once the paperwork comes through. I will not be spending 1p more on the house without your express permission in future so as not to go behind your back or make you feel in anyway that it isn't 100% your house, and in the spirit of everything being equal will only provide half of whatever money is needed.

Rather than speaking to me rationally about this and understand in any of the situation (like for example the fact there is cooling off period so contract was not final yesterday) you have gone off the deep end, took offence where none was intended and placed meanings on my actions which are actually about how you see things not how I do.

When you get over yourself we might be able to salvage something, but by blowing this up out of all proportion and not seeing that, you have done way more harm to this relationship than what I did yesterday.

he can't see the difference between sulking and genuine upset! Would you show him this thread?

YANBU.

I would have been furious with my DH if he had done this.

Except he wouldn't have done it, because he has more respect for me than that.

Sad for you OP

That is not in the 'spirit' of fairness but spitefulness. He is very arrogant!

Not sure what showing him the thread would do.. Tbh if he isn't sorry because he's upset me he's unlikely to care what you lot think.

I'd look into this carefully. My mum got some solar panels under the impression it would lower her bills etc. She had them installed and everything and it was only later she found out she wasn't entitled after all. I'm afraid I can't give you more info as she's rather embarrassed and won't tell us anything.

Sorry OP, just see your update.

Given his reaction, I would consider revisiting the first sentence of your first post.

there is cooling off period so contract was not final yesterday
placed meanings on my actions which are actually about how you see things not how I do

These are the two valid points in his email. The rest is just sounding off, and not very nice at all.

HOWEVER
don't let all of us gee you up and ratchet up your response as well. He is not behaving well, but while we are just contributing to an internet forum, it's your marriage in play here.

I can only suggest a cooling off period where neither of you talks about it, and then some serious discussions about money, respect and trust.

He's still blaming you for his mistake. He's making it all your fault. And now he's trying to frighten you in to toeing the line by making veiled threats about finances, knowing that you earn very much less than him. This isn't a partnership.

Do you have children?

So you're now equal, and his description of that is that 50% of outgoings are to be met by you.

Why exactly?

The external paper-money job you do pays less paper money, so you put less paper money into the outgoings pot. It does not mean that you contribute less. He wants to be a bit careful, because if you do a full breakdown of time committments and tasks, he might well find that you do more - but maybe that's another argument.

But seeing as we're being totally ridiculous about what 'equality' constitutes, in order to obfuscate and detract from the very simply point that he has utterly disrespected your right to be consulted about family decisions, let's go with it.

You have children, yes? If you did more of the getting up in the night than he did, he can now start paying that back. He needs to sit up until 2 am every night, and set alarms to wake him for the duration of a feed every 3 hours for the next four months.

Is one of the reasons you earn less because you took the maternity and childcare hit? Then it's time to even that up. Nine months off x however many children, pension losses, did you ever work part time? There's no way to really make that up, it's so massive, but at a start you could think about him working compressed hours for the next five years OR going down to a 3 day week in order to facilitate you doing a masters and perhaps even a phd in order to even up your career prospects. Bye bye, Mr. Financial Genius! Hmm, guess maybe those huge inputs weren't all your own work after all...

Did you tear after childbirth? Have a section? They're his children too you know, let's be equal, why should he get to be a daddy with absolutely NO physical stress, damage or compromise? I say one ball removed under a small amount of local anaesthetic, immediately before the night waking stint just so that he doesn't have the chance to sleep and recover properly.

Shall we go on...?

That's a really spitefully, nasty email.

This is probably one of the reason why salespeople try to insist on both parties being present. There are many threads where women are unhappy when the seller has insisted that their husband be there too. I know the genders are reversed in this situation but it does make sense to me that both people who own the home should be there when large purchases like this are signed up for.

He might be a genius, but he's a gullible, nasty one.

Well we may have progress.

Possibly.

He's arranged a babysitter (for the record the children aren't his so he really can't be charged for carrying them - though fantastic idea) and we are going out tonight to discuss moving forward.

I suspect he thinks I will give in and he will get his own way.. But he does get points for arranging the sitter etc which is also possibly his way of making an effort.

He still does not get why it's an issue.. Because the incoming will match the outgoing (guaranteed for 10 years by government?) he does not see this as an expenditure .