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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be honest with DS about why he has to sit in the back?

96 replies

QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 11:18

DS1 is 4. a few of his pre-school friends are now sitting in the front seat of cars, some mums I'm friends with, some school gate hellos. i have to say I was pretty Hmm Shock when he noticed tbh.

understandably DS has started asking to sit in the front. he asked again when I was stood with a friend and her DD and I very clearly explained to DS that it wasn't safe for him to sit in the front in case we had an accident and until he was as tall as is cousin he had to stay in his seat in the back. DS of course said 'but X and Y sit in the front' so I replied that it was naughty of their mummy and daddy to let them because it isn't safe.

my friend was Shock that I said this and thinks I shouldn't have said this about the parents. my argument is that I don't want to be the 'bad guy' for not allowing DS to sit there, and why should I be? I believe it is wrong for a child of that age to be in the front when there are back seats available (surely not BU??). DS now understands that I am keeping him safe rather than stopping him having a 'treat' and to be honest I don't much care if other parents get arsey with me calling what they do 'naughty' as my priority is DS.

so was IBU to say this? or should I have hidden behind 'well its up to X and Y's mummy to decide for them' making me the boring mother who wont let him do what he wants?

OP posts:
TheScience · 21/05/2014 11:21

YABU to describe other parents as "naughty" - how childish.

You're going to come across different parents/families making different decisions to you a lot, throughout your DS's childhood - are you going to describe them all as naughty?

basgetti · 21/05/2014 11:24

YABU and may well make things difficult for your DS when he repeats to his classmates how naughty their parents are.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/05/2014 11:24

Well you just tell him it's not as safe in the front as it is in the back. If he then says that x, y and z do it you just say you are not interested in what they do but he has to go in the back.

You shouldn't really start saying the parents are naughty - imagine how you would feel if you were with DS in front of one of these parents and he tells them off because mummy said they were naughty.

If my DS starts a sentence with "so and so'm mum lets them do" I just reply that I'm not interested in anyone else, I am interested in him.

It's nothing to do with being the boring mum, it's a case of him knowing if you say no the answer is no regardless of what other people do - don't justify yourself to a 4 year old.

melliebobs · 21/05/2014 11:25

Everyone's entitled to their opinion and way to parent. But there were maybe better ways of putting it than saying other parents are 'naughty'. It's a bit patronising.

yellowdinosauragain · 21/05/2014 11:25

Yabu. You don't have to slag off other parents any more than you have to be the boring bad guy. You just say to your son that everyone has different things that they believe in and you believe that he is safer in the back. You wouldn't do anything you believed was less safe for him. X's mum obviously believes that in her car this is safe. That is up to her.

Or alternatively carry on smugly calling other parents naughty and piss off all the other parents at your son's school if that makes you feel better Hmm

DogCalledRudis · 21/05/2014 11:26

Tell him it is against the law, just like speeding or ignoring road signs.

yellowdinosauragain · 21/05/2014 11:26

Or what Betty said

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 11:27

I felt 'naughty' was an age appropriate term for DS as he hasn't fully grasped the meaning of 'ill-considered'

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 21/05/2014 11:27

Dog it isn't against the law though. That's bollocks.

PatriciaHolm · 21/05/2014 11:29

We have had the same conversation, and I just said they were much much safer in the back and that was my decision to make. Fortunately they took that fine and still at 9 and 8 sit in their high back boosters most of the time despite technically being tall enough not too - they now understand they are still safer like that.

ComposHat · 21/05/2014 11:30

It is bloody dangerous if the passanger side airbag isn't deactivated though. They are designed to hit an adult at chest height which often means child face height.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 21/05/2014 11:30

I always use the line, well just because such and suchabody does it, doesn't mean mummy does, mummy does it this way - then if they carry on I explain why, ie safety, because you are right, it's not safe

However you are the parent, what you say goes no matter his matter how many whys!!

wheresthebeach · 21/05/2014 11:30

I wouldn't use that word describing other parents - it will get repeated.
TBH I thought it was illegal to put kids in the front seat? They have to be in the back in child seats don't they? Airbags and all that...

That's what I told my DD when she asked! Some people park where they shouldn't, some people don't wear seatbelts, some people let their kids sit in the front. Their call. We do everything as safely as possible....end of.

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 11:30

ok, maybe 'naughty' wasn't the right way to go about it.

yellow I like the 'belief of safety' suggestion, I will try and use that in future I think.

OP posts:
kentishgirl · 21/05/2014 11:30

I think it was a bit off to criticise the other parents.

When I got the 'but X is allowed to do Y' I used to say 'It doesn't matter what X is allowed to do, all mummies and daddies make their own rules for their own children. Probably you are allowed to do something that X isn't allowed to'.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/05/2014 11:31

Sometimes it's good to be the "bad guy" anyway, you don't always have to have a reason to say no.

Another one of my favourite sayings when DS challenges me now is "just because"............I am the adult, what I say goes and I have told him that when he has his own children he can get to make the decisions.

But then he is getting to the age (almost 12) where he challenges me a lot.....and claims to know everything!

Lanabelle · 21/05/2014 11:32

Its only more dangerous if you decode to pang the front end of your car into something, if you were to be rear-ended or smashed from the side (which is far more common) then it is just as dangerous. It also comes down to what kind of car you have and what you it or are hit by and in most cars there is no one seat safer than another. If you follow guidelines and use the relevant child seats and restraints front or back is fine.

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 11:32

Iamusually this is why I got to to that point, because he kept asking for further explanation as to if it wasn't safe why could X and Y and not him. I do prefer to explain why rather than resort to 'because I'm your mother, that's why' if possible.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2014 11:36

No you shouldn't have phrased it like that.
My DC ask why they can't do XYZ like so and so's mum lets them. I just reply that it's up to them what they do and I decide what we do.
I think I make the decisions is a much better response than telling him other parents are " naughty". If I knew you had described me in that way to your child I would be very annoyed.

Chocotrekkie · 21/05/2014 11:37

But it isn't naughty - its a choice they as parents have made.

Naughty is throwing a toy or hitting or in the case of adults stealing or something.
It is prefectly legal, helps some travel sick children and if the parent physically struggles then it's easier than trying to do up a seatbelt leaning over.

Mine are older and still in the back - but they have to do their own belts. My recent health problems meant if I was transporting say a 3 yr old I would have to put them in the front - I just couldn't stretch to do up their belt.

Mine moan every journey - "but everyone else sits in the front." Also the same everyone else who get £30 pocket money a week and stay up till midnight and don't need to eat vegetables.

My response to all of it "my car/house - my rules"

Joysmum · 21/05/2014 11:37

I've always gone with the line that different people have different rules and that there are things my daughter could do that others don't allow. Worked for me and was especially useful when explaining to DD when she was allowed out to play before others that she must not encourage to disobey their parents to follow her lead.

TeenAndTween · 21/05/2014 11:39

I always try very hard not to criticize other people's parenting, because it may get back to them.

We say things like:

  • We think you are safer in the back
  • Different families have different rules / priorities
  • DH and I used to work in IT so maybe we have a different view on internet safety
  • Every parent makes their own judgement - we think that ...
  • We may be being over cautious but you are extremely precious to us so ...
  • In our family we think rules are important, and this film has an age restriction of ...

This will come up time and time again, you need to find ways to say no without being overtly critical of other people's parenting.

ComposHat · 21/05/2014 11:41

No wheres they have to be on a booster seat until they are twelve or 135cm tall. It doesn't specify if the booster seat is in the back or front of the car.

lana not really, in a head on crash you will have the full force of the engine block heading towards the front seats

TheScience · 21/05/2014 11:43

You don't need to compare yourself to other parents, OP.

Just tell your DS, different families have different rules. It doesn't matter what X does, because in your car children sit in the back because it is safer.

KEGirlOnFire · 21/05/2014 11:46

YABU - generally people do what 'they' think is best and that won't necessarily be what you think is best.

DD (4 - nearly 5) sits in the front, in her car-seat, securely strapped in, because we had an accident 2 years ago and were hit in the back. We couldn't get her out of the car and smoke was pouring in. She was terrified and she still remembers it vividly.

Even when we go out as a family, DH or I sit in the back so that she can sit in the front. We make sure her seat is slid back so it's not impacted by the airbag (should there be an accident). But you cannot assume everyone's situation warrants that they are 'wrong' or 'naughty' as you put it.

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