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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be honest with DS about why he has to sit in the back?

96 replies

QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 11:18

DS1 is 4. a few of his pre-school friends are now sitting in the front seat of cars, some mums I'm friends with, some school gate hellos. i have to say I was pretty Hmm Shock when he noticed tbh.

understandably DS has started asking to sit in the front. he asked again when I was stood with a friend and her DD and I very clearly explained to DS that it wasn't safe for him to sit in the front in case we had an accident and until he was as tall as is cousin he had to stay in his seat in the back. DS of course said 'but X and Y sit in the front' so I replied that it was naughty of their mummy and daddy to let them because it isn't safe.

my friend was Shock that I said this and thinks I shouldn't have said this about the parents. my argument is that I don't want to be the 'bad guy' for not allowing DS to sit there, and why should I be? I believe it is wrong for a child of that age to be in the front when there are back seats available (surely not BU??). DS now understands that I am keeping him safe rather than stopping him having a 'treat' and to be honest I don't much care if other parents get arsey with me calling what they do 'naughty' as my priority is DS.

so was IBU to say this? or should I have hidden behind 'well its up to X and Y's mummy to decide for them' making me the boring mother who wont let him do what he wants?

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 21/05/2014 11:48

Lanabelle that's just not true. I've spent quite some time looking into this and everywhere I've looked the evidence is clear that children are safest in the back. Back middle seat, if your car seat fits there and there is a 3 point belt, to be precise.

www.rospa.com/faqs/detail.aspx?faq=348

The only place I found talking about it potentially being safer in the front is here, where if there is one child and one adult sitting your child in the front with you might avoid distraction while driving and reduce your risk of causing an accident.

www.theaa.com/motoring_advice/child_safety/where.html

I do think it is up to individual parents to appraise the risk though but you should make this based on facts. My boys sometimes travel in the front with me, when there is no other adult in the car. I appreciate others would disagree with this and when I'm looking after other people's children I'd always seat then in the back.

Impatientismymiddlename · 21/05/2014 11:50

You shouldn't have said that the other parents were naughty for several reasons:

  1. They are not naughty, they have simply made a different decision to you.
  2. Your child might now go and tell his friends that they have naughty parents which will lead to more problems and might leave you looking very foolish.
  3. You have passed the buck and given an incorrect reason because 'you dontwant to be the bad guy'. You are going to be the bad guy on many occasions unless you want to be your child's friend more than his parent which is a recipe for disaster.
  4. What are you going to tell him next time he says 'but x, y and z's mum let them'?

You should have bee honest and said that you believe it is safer in the back and you are his mummy and you make decisions for him and not for the other children. 4 year olds are well capable of understanding that.

Nocomet · 21/05/2014 11:51

Saying it's safer in the back and you don't care what other parents do, your decision is your decision is absolutely fine.

Calling other parents 'naughty' is silly, it will lead to daft playground conversations and daft falling a out.

Stick to grown up words when describing grown ups and teachers, if you want your child to be polite and respectful.

(At least until your DCs are old enough not to repeat things to the wrong person)

PolyesterBride · 21/05/2014 11:52

I had no idea children were supposed to sit in the back! I often see kids in the front, especially only children. I usually put my kids in the back but only because they would argue that it wasn't fair if one was in the front.

I'm going to read the links and find out why it's not safe now.

BoffinMum · 21/05/2014 11:54

Just tell him it's the law, and you are law abiding therefore you are sitting him in the back.

yellowdinosauragain · 21/05/2014 11:55

It's not unsafe polyesterbride, it's less safe, under most normal conditions (Imho, after reading the evidence). But as you can see plenty of people have very good reasons for it being safer /better options for them.

TheScience · 21/05/2014 11:55

It's not actually the law though is it BoffinMum? My 3 year old sits in the front sometimes.

yellowdinosauragain · 21/05/2014 11:56

Is not the law though boffinmum, apart from the case of a rear facing child seat with the passenger air bag activated.

Deux · 21/05/2014 11:57

There is no law that says children cannot sit in the front.

It is not illegal.

Children can sit anywhere as long as they are in an appropriate seat for their age/height.

The only stipulation is if rear facing infant carriers are in the front, the air bag must be disabled.

TheScience · 21/05/2014 11:57

There's really no need to lie or make out other parents are naughty - "this is what I believe, this is important to me, this is my rule" is more than enough. Whether it's car seats, bedtimes, TV, sweeties, playing out...

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 21/05/2014 11:57

The answer is though "because I'm your mother" as it's your opinion. You have looked at facts and taken a considered decision. You are mother. It's your place to do that. So it is the right answer.

Dad might consider sitting in the front fine. Or any other friend/family member.

So really, because I said so is just far more accurate.

UriGeller · 21/05/2014 11:57

Well I'd keep out of "what other people's parents let them do" altogether tbh.
Saying they're "naughty" is unnecessary. Obviously his friends parents are all good people.

I'd have just said, "I don't care what other people do, we're not sheep"

But of course you're right. Children shouldn't be sitting in the front.

ComposHat · 21/05/2014 11:58

Yes it isn't unsafe, just not as safe as sitting in the back. But then the safest thing of all would be to not leave the house or travel by train. But then safety is about balancing risk wiyh other factors.

yellowdinosauragain · 21/05/2014 12:00

Well said composhat

wheresthebeach · 21/05/2014 12:03

Thanks Compos...time to do some measuring!

PolyesterBride · 21/05/2014 12:04

I'm quite glad I found this out - all the changing around of car seats is a major faff. Now I can just say - no it's safer in the back. I think if they say "but so and so is allowed in the front", I'll just say "well that's up to so and so's mummy". Different families have different rules.

Canthisonebeused · 21/05/2014 12:07

As others said you could manage this without criticising other parents. After all it is a personal preference either way, none is right or wrong.

You will always get this from Dcs and you just need a blanked response. Either say it's not your or his business what others do or simply say that all parents have different rules and xy and z is our rule because yadda yadda yadda. End of.

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 12:07

thanks everyone. I accept that 'naughty' was the wrong word to use. I will stick to 'because I believe this is the safer option' (although surely this still leads to repeating back to friends?)

I hadn't thought through that he would repeat it to be honest, which I should have done.

yes of course technically 'I am your mother so what I say goes' is accurate but I like DS to understand why, I find he is better at respecting what I ask/say if he knows why. this isn't about being his 'friend' this is about giving him a clear understanding of situations and I don't think blanket 'no because I said so' is necessarily helpful.

OP posts:
SpottieDottie · 21/05/2014 12:08

I am frequently asked this by my own DCs, they sit in the back because I say it is safer in the back than the front. I point out to them that I am responsible for their safety and not that of their friends, therefore it's none of my business what their friend's parents choose to do.

We have airbags in the front and I am not convinced that they are safe children anyway. Teenagers sit in the front, I'm not about to try and make them sit in the back - they are old enough to know the risks and make their own decision for many things.

AKeyFox · 21/05/2014 12:09

Sheepish good people Uri ?

Sirzy · 21/05/2014 12:10

DS is 4.5 and about the only one of his class still in a 5 point harness. When he mentions this I say it's because I think it's safer for him and for the "well x does" I simply say that his up to his parents but that doesn't mean I will let him.

There are always going to be things other parents do differently.

Canthisonebeused · 21/05/2014 12:11

You can still explain why and reiterate it's your preference and others do things differently.

TeenAndTween · 21/05/2014 12:11

DD1 only started being in the front once at secondary, and only if DD2 isn't in the car! As long as DD2 is in a booster seat she will stay in the back. This is likely to be quite a while longer yet.

TeenAndTween · 21/05/2014 12:13

Sirzy DD2 was also in a 5 point harness age 4.5 as she was small and light. There is a minimum weight limit for the high back boosters, so you could see whether he is safely over the weight limit yet.

Sirzy · 21/05/2014 12:17

He is 16.5kg so I think he could go to hbb, but he isn't until he is 18kg.

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