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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be honest with DS about why he has to sit in the back?

96 replies

QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 11:18

DS1 is 4. a few of his pre-school friends are now sitting in the front seat of cars, some mums I'm friends with, some school gate hellos. i have to say I was pretty Hmm Shock when he noticed tbh.

understandably DS has started asking to sit in the front. he asked again when I was stood with a friend and her DD and I very clearly explained to DS that it wasn't safe for him to sit in the front in case we had an accident and until he was as tall as is cousin he had to stay in his seat in the back. DS of course said 'but X and Y sit in the front' so I replied that it was naughty of their mummy and daddy to let them because it isn't safe.

my friend was Shock that I said this and thinks I shouldn't have said this about the parents. my argument is that I don't want to be the 'bad guy' for not allowing DS to sit there, and why should I be? I believe it is wrong for a child of that age to be in the front when there are back seats available (surely not BU??). DS now understands that I am keeping him safe rather than stopping him having a 'treat' and to be honest I don't much care if other parents get arsey with me calling what they do 'naughty' as my priority is DS.

so was IBU to say this? or should I have hidden behind 'well its up to X and Y's mummy to decide for them' making me the boring mother who wont let him do what he wants?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 21/05/2014 12:18

Explaining that the airbag will blow up in his face and might break his nose has always sufficed as an explanation for DS and maybe his friends parents don't have an airbag or .maybe they are less worried about the risk of it happening.

He's 8 and 133 cm and still sits in the back in an isofix full height car seat - but mostly because I'm too lazy to get the thing out and its very comfy

sezamcgregor · 21/05/2014 12:19

Yes, absolutely be honest. It isn't safe for him to be in the front.

The response "I do not care what X and Y do - you are my child".

I also explain to my DS that sometimes he might think I'm being mean or "not fair" - but everything that I do is to keep him SAFE.

madamginger · 21/05/2014 12:28

I put ds2 aged 3.5 in the front because he has the most awful travel sickness, and its better if he can see when we are driving and I prefer him next to me where I can see he's OK rather than In the back where I would have to turn round to sort him out.
His seat is fully pushed back and the airbag is off. I'd be very pissed off at your judgy comments tbh.

Itsfab · 21/05/2014 12:29

When my children ask to do something that another parent allows their child to do and I don't I tell them each parent makes their own decisions and I won't be pushed into something I don't feel happy with. I would never say they were naughty ShockHmm. My way gets the point across without being childish.

FWIW My son sat in the front from 12 and sits both, my daughter is 10 and she sits in the front now for personal reasons. DC3 won't sit in the front until 12 or he is tall enough to not need a car seat.

mijas99 · 21/05/2014 12:31

In most European countries (including Spain where I live) it is illegal to put a child under 12 in the front seat of a car

Betty - I justify every decision to my 2 year old, if he asks for justification. It is how children learn. I would hate him to just do whatever a person in authority told them too. I am trying to raise an confident independent human being, not a sheep

AKeyFox · 21/05/2014 12:31

YANBU

It might not be the most diplomatic of comments viz your remarks getting around, but all you were doing was communicating your own entirely reasonable thinking on the situation in language comprehensible to a 4yo.

You want your children to have a moral compass; that's good, don't be bullied out of it!

A lot of the comments on the thread seem to be more to do with wrapping less than perfect adults in cotton wool.

OddFodd · 21/05/2014 12:34

As others have said, this kind of thing is going to come up time and again and you need to find a way of dealing with it without criticising others' parenting otherwise you and DS are going to end up friendless.

All you need to say is 'I'm not interested in what X does; this is what we do in our family.' And that's it. Close the discussion down. You don't owe him an explanation for every parenting decision - you're the adult, he's 4.

Igggi · 21/05/2014 12:35

I would not have said it was naughty. Their parents might think I'm naughty for letting him play video games. I don't want to get into a competition with them.
But no way does my 6 year old sit in the front.

HeyN0nny · 21/05/2014 12:41

Maybe it's because I'm a teacher, or maybe I just like to make things complicated, but when DD (4.10) asked this, I didn't tell her 'my rules' or 'it's safer' with no explanation. I asked her if she could think of any reasons why we prefer to put her in the back.

Once we got past the 'because you're mean' flounce, we had an interesting discussion. We talked about what happened when she was learning to ride her pedal bike and lost control (hit railings without braking, went over the handlebars), how that could be applied to a car, what the likely consequences could be, what about if it was something moving towards you, etc. We made a 'car' out of a tissue box, stuck some Playmobil people in it and slammed it into a wall. DD soon got the message about crumple zones - so I didn't have to tell her anything, she worked out for herself. And we had fun.

I think saying other parents are 'naughty' is missing the point (and likely to annoy those parents, especially if they happen to have a 2yo and newborn in carseats in the back with no room for a third!). Give your DC some credit and let him work it out for himself with some guidance - he's far less likely to argue about his own conclusion.

nokidshere · 21/05/2014 13:23

I wouldn't even comment on the other parents to be honest. I am quite blunt with my children about safety.

Child: Why cant I sit in the front?
Me: because if I have to brake fast or something hits us you will go through the windscreen and could end up dead.

Child: Why do I have to wear a bike helmet when X doesn't?
Me: if you both fell off your bikes and one of you wasn't wearing a helmet who do you think would end up with a broken skull or splattered all over the street?

works for us!

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 13:47

yes DS is the only one still in 5 point. of the mothers I am friends with I know their kids are over the weight limit for the 5 point, some others I see clearly could still be in 5 point. DS is still 7lbs off the weight so will stay in 5 point until he reaches this, hopefully he'll be past 5 by then. its just the next level up on the FF at 9m thing, 4yo must come out of the 5 point. slightly on tangent but I think they need to stop mentioning ages and just mention the weight as a lot of people don't realise that the weight is the most important and that the age is irrelevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 21/05/2014 13:49

back on topic, I accept that IWBU and will modify my comments to DS more along the 'because I believe it is safer/if you didn't this would happen to you/their parents their choice' as applicable.

OP posts:
LiegeAndLief · 21/05/2014 13:52

Everyone parents differently and there's no good being smug about it because you can guarantee that there is (or will be) something you do that you consider perfectly safe and normal that another parent will choose not to allow. Your issue of sitting in the front is all about risk mitigation - it would be safer for your son to not go in a car at all, or maybe never leave the house, but you have decided to take the risk of putting him in a car seat in the back of the car. Other parents are comfortable with the slightly higher risk of sitting their child in the front.

I am very much in favour of the "different parents have different rules, these are mine and this is why" approach. For example, from another perspective, ds has a friend whose mother only allows one child at a time on the trampoline. Perfectly sensible and safe decision. I have made the riskier decision to allow both dc on at once. Other parents will think that trampolines are very dangerous and would not have one at all. These are all personal decisions based on the parent's personal approach to risk and, providing what they do is within the law, it is not up to you to impose your analysis of risk on other parents. Particularly not to the extent that you tell your child they are naughty (although I see you have since accepted that was not a good idea).

wheresthelight · 21/05/2014 13:53

I have this issue with dsc's as their grandad let's them sit in the front as does dp (or he did til we got together) they argued for a while in my car. They get told my car my rules that way I don't look like I am undermining anyone or having a pop at anyone else's choices

Salazar · 21/05/2014 14:00

I'm genuinely shocked that so many people have a problem with calling other parents naughty.

They are being. They are putting their children in danger. That is naughty. That is language that a four year old can understand and contextualise. Naughty = something we shouldn't do.

So what if it then gets back to the parent? Who cares.

shoppingbagsundereyes · 21/05/2014 14:01

My dd moans that she's not allowed in the front. I just explained that different parents have different rules and this is one of her family rules. Surely no further explanation is needed?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/05/2014 14:07

I didn't let DS go in the front until he was 12yo apart from 1 instance where I had three smaller children in the back.

I told him (not that he believed me Grin ) that him and DD were my most treasured 'possessions' (wrong word I know) so why would I put them at risk?

DS is now 14.6 and way taller than me Grin so frequently claims the "shotgun" seat.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/05/2014 14:14

Betty - I justify every decision to my 2 year old, if he asks for justification. It is how children learn - fair enough Mijas we all do things our own way. Obviously I justify sometimes but sometimes it's enough when I say no, esp after he has asked me something when he knows the answer will be no and he knows why the answer is no.

Mind you, my DS is 11 - maybe you may have stopped being so patient in another 9 years Wink

TheScience · 21/05/2014 14:17

Salazar - what other naughty things would you criticise other parents for? Putting their children in a car at all? Driving an old, less safe car?
Or being naughty by letting their children have fizzy drinks? Eat grapes not cut up? Put their babies to sleep on their fronts?

GooseyLoosey · 21/05/2014 14:23

My answer would (and often does) go like this: "everyone has to decide what is best for their children, taking into account whatever they think is important. I think it is safest for you to sit in the back until you are bigger. Other people may have other views but you are my child and my responsibility".

Igggi · 21/05/2014 14:24

I think it is wrong to eat meat. Like, really wrong. No way so
I tell my dcs that other parents are naughty for doing so! I suppose if something is actually illegal then the phrase might fit, but otherwise -we all have different things that we "draw the line" at.

SpottieDottie · 21/05/2014 14:33

We get the bike hat question as well as two of the girls on our road don't have to wear bike hats because "we didn't wear them when we were children and we were ok" but I just said to ds that I would not want to see a child of mine with a serious head injury through not wearing a helmet so he had to wear one. He told the girls on our road that it was dangerous not to wear one but their parents didn't comment to me about it so no idea what they thought, it's their choice though just like it's my choice.

Salazar · 21/05/2014 14:39

No Science. Only illegal things.

PeachandRaspberry · 21/05/2014 14:43

It's not illegal for a child to sit in the front, Salazar.

Naughty was definitely the wrong word to use, glad you've recognised that OP.

From now until he is 17 you will be constantly hearing 'but so and so's mum lets him'. You don't need to justify everything to him. You're his mum and you have the final say.

TheScience · 21/05/2014 14:44

What illegal things are you talking about then Salazar?

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