To wonder why people do this

[Hoppinggreen]

Something tragic happened near to where I live yesterday.
People have been leaving flowers near the scene, where there are reporters photographing the messages and quizzing everyone who leaves flowers, teddies, etc.
Has anyone on here ever been to leave flowers or similar like this and if so why?
It's not a criticism, perhaps it helps people cope with it but I really can't understand it myself. If you knew the people involved wouldn't you grieve in private and if you didn't know them why would you do it? There is nobody at the scene so who are the flowers and messages for?

It happens a lot doesn't it?

There is a number plate name near me. The flowers and number plate have been kept up for 20 years... 2 decades.

There is another flower site at the beginning of a dual carriageway. I nearly added to the death count as a middle aged woman stepped back to see if the flower arrangement looked OK.

Without wishing to be negative or horrid to anyone... this behaviour is called conspicuous grief. People are not 'happy' with a graveside to tend to. They must have 'that moment' properly enshrined too. Their grief and the the death must be more public, seen to be happening, to have more meaning.

My Nana would have been utterly embarrassed by such actions. Grief is a private thing.... wonder when that changed? Princess Diana, maybe?

I think YABU actually. . Its a way of showing empathy. Of saying we are sorry something shitty happened and we want your loved ones to know we arr thinking of you.

you don't know who the people arr leaving the flowers. They could know the person

I think people are touched by an event and want to leave a token to say so, and in support of the family. There wouldn't really be another way of doing it.

I left flowers once for the victims of a murder, I didn't know them but I felt a need to mark their passing.

It was a gesture that came from sadness at their horrible death and me just simply feeling that it was the right thing to do

It's to show that this has affected the community.

It is also a reaction to the shock.

I haven't done it, but have had friends do it, at Anfield (Hillsborough) and at the site James Bulger was killed at.

You will get people coming on to call them "misery whores", but some events touch people and they feel that they have to do something.

Likewise I know families who have had comfort from the acknowledgement of their loss.

We do this a lot in Liverpool, in times gone by, you would candle in Church (former Catholic area) and say a prayer for those involved.

I left flowers for my DSs friend he was 9 years old when he died, it was a way to show the family,that us and others, where in our thoughts without intruding on their grief.

We'll as I'm only wondering why and not saying they shouldn't then I would argue that I am NOT bu

We did it when our lollipop man died suddenly. He'd been there in the morning and died later that day. We just wanted to remember him.

My friend's children recently took flowers to the school where their classmate died. They were very close to her.

I can't understand people not understanding this! I don't mean that unkindly but to me, even if I don't do it, it's obvious that people are leaving flowers and cards to acknowledge the loss of someone's life. To say to that person that they feel for them or maybe miss them if they knew them. I think they are also saying to the family of that person "we feel for you". Someone else started a very similar thread to this several months ago, it showed that some people have been hugely comforted by such gestures and some people have felt they were intrusive and strange.

I don't think you can really say that one way is right and the other is wrong. We all have our own ways of coping with grief and loss.

"People are not 'happy' with a graveside to tend to"

There isn't a "Graveside" as much and you don't want to intrude.

This acknowledgement isn't anything new, IMO.

It is just replacing the old custom of having a body latex out at home, a Vigil, Wake, words said at Mass etc.

We lost some of the traditions, so make new ones.

"Laid", not "Latex", that would be a step to far.

Well Hopping, you posted in AIBU so I would argue you are! !!!

Birds, you have a point, fewer actual graves (not the latex !! ). I hadn't thought of that (again graves and ceremonies, not the latex).

But the conspicuous thing is still valid and, to me, interesting. I wonder if it is because we have smaller, less connected family and friend networks these days? We all live further from relatives and families that may have known our grandparents, great grandparents....

There's a longstanding one on the side of a main road where i live on a big grass bank

The chaps from the council who mow the grass mow it into a big heart shape round the memorial. It's very sweet but also really

I can understand people wanting to show their respect without intruding after the event but not so sure about permanent memorials. Saying that, they do make me think about my speed sometimes - has more effect than a speed camera.

It is 'conspicuous grief' I suppose and I don't think I would do it myself because I am a private person and I avoid most forms of public expression of emotion.

But I don't mind that other people do it. I suppose it must be comforting to them. When one is maintained long term I assume it must be friends and family and that is sad, but understandable.

What I don't understand is why people don't take the cellophane off them. I understand leaving flowers but take the plastic off, surely?

Wouldn't waste the money I'm afraid - I would donate to family's chosen charity instead. And I think it's a European tradition we have imitated/ adopted. Don't mind if it brings comfort.... But clapping at funerals feels wrong. (Or at least would have if it had happened at my relative's)

I did once, when the headteacher Philip Lawrence was murdered in Maida Vale - because I lived there and it felt like a way of saying that the community cared and we were not all like the people who had done it, IYSWIM. The large floral tribute at the school looked like a mark of respect and love from all the locals.

I think that anything that helps people cope can't be wrong and showing support for those left behind can't be a bad thing
I think it was the reporters taking pictures of the cards etc that made me wonder, I do think that a very small minority of people jump on the band wagon .
I mourn in private but I'm not saying it's the right way, it's what works for me. Other people cope with things differently

One family I knew planted daffodils in the grass verge where their son died (they had council permission). I didn't know him very well, but every spring when we drove past the daffodils I thought of him.

I don't think there is a thing wrong with doing it, but it's not something I have done.

My only issue would be if the people doing it started criticising or looking down on people who don't.

If we extrapolate the argument for private mourning, then surely we shouldn't commemorate armistice day? An entire nation wearing poppies to remember a generation lost, whilst filming and broadcasting the ceremony. Mind, armistice day isn't an open grief stricken, tear pouring situation like Michael Jackson or Princess Diana, rather a ceromony of quiet grief, reflection and regret IME.

FWIW I agree with you - it's what helps. It's also is done as a mark of respect and remembrance, like SoFishy's experience. I think though what is sadder is when someone passes on and there's no-one to miss them or take note :(

I guess people want to show their respect, and perhaps the bereaved actually derive comfort from seeing all those flowers for their loved one. I've fortunately not been in this situation so can't really say from any personal experience.

I have not done it, but if others do so what? Why do you think grief needs to be 'private'? Fuck that attitude.