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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people do this

83 replies

Hoppinggreen · 20/05/2014 18:44

Something tragic happened near to where I live yesterday.
People have been leaving flowers near the scene, where there are reporters photographing the messages and quizzing everyone who leaves flowers, teddies, etc.
Has anyone on here ever been to leave flowers or similar like this and if so why?
It's not a criticism, perhaps it helps people cope with it but I really can't understand it myself. If you knew the people involved wouldn't you grieve in private and if you didn't know them why would you do it? There is nobody at the scene so who are the flowers and messages for?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2014 08:14

I think part of my discomfort is that this incident was not an accident, it was very violent and it makes me wonder why people would want to see where this happened.
In a sad twist when I wrote my OP i was shocked and sad at what had happened but only as part of the community, I found out last night that one of my children shared an activity with one of the children involved and I did know the family slightly.
I still don't feel the need to visit where it happened and feel slightly sick when I go past the scene ( which I have to at least 4 times a day) but as I said people handle these things differently.

OP posts:
CorporateRockWhore · 21/05/2014 08:18

My Dad's cousin was killed around 30 years ago when hit by a car.

His Mum, who is about 80, still does a bit of a perilous walk along the side of a motorway to leave flowers where he died, about once a month.

Because it's the only thing she can do for him, I guess.

It's not 'conspicuous' grief. Hmm it's actual grief.

Nicknacky · 21/05/2014 08:24

I understand the floral tributes, but I don't understand the buckfast, beer, football tops left usually after a young persons has died. I would want people to remember me, not that I liked Pinot Grigio.

SoFishy · 21/05/2014 08:32

Actually I don't see why money shouldn't go to florists. They provide a service – for those moments of strong emotion, love, celebration and memory too, which people feel the beauty of flowers is appropriate for. Farmers grow the flowers, drivers transport them, florists sell them, the money all goes to help people make a living and goes back into the economy. Which we need right now.

I can't imagine they "rub their hands". Like anyone who provides a service they think Customer wants x, I'll do my best to provide it and make them happy.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 21/05/2014 10:17

There's a "ghost" bike (a bike painted white to signify that a cyclist has been killed on that spot) that has been chained to the railings at the end of my street for the past 5 years. There are always flowers and new cards being attached to it in honour of the guy who died. I think it's a lovely thing to do for someone. Am also impressed that the council - or whoever - have not removed it because they can see it's a spot of mourning for people that is still being used as such. As has been said above, what else can you do for the dead now but this?

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 21/05/2014 10:32

YABU

It's a way of showing support for the family as much as anything. I haven't lost a family member in a car crash but I imagine that, whilst it's extremely painful, it's also lovely to see how many people care about that person and how loved and appreciated they were.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 21/05/2014 10:45

Read Ben Elton's Blind Faith.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2014 10:52

I have read Blind Faith. Fail to see what relevance it has if people want to set up a ghost bike or lay flowers. People have been doing this sort of thing for thousands of years. Taj Mahal, anyone?

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 21/05/2014 10:55

I just thought the bits about flower laying were quite relevant, actually.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2014 11:02

They were one, very small element of a complex, post-apocalyptic society.

In no way relevant to people creating shrines or memorials to honour the dead, which again, they have been doing for thousands of years - the pyramids, the Taj Mahal, fountains and war memorials all over the world, etc etc.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/05/2014 11:06

YABU

My cousin was killed in a car accident in France before I was born. The local school where she was teaching still tend her grave and lay flowers down for her. That has bought no end of comfort to my family. No one at the school now even met her, but they keep her memory alive and show their respect.

Nancy66 · 21/05/2014 11:06

If it's a highly publicised case then you'll get people doing it just to get on telly.

I've seen people arrive at the site of a shrine to a murdered child with flowers and toys and, then, as soon as they realise the news crews are no longer filming they take the stuff back

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2014 11:10

chipped I think that graves and memorials are a bit different to visiting the site where a terrible thing happened and speaking to journalists about it.
I don't know how I would react if something similar happened to a member if my family but I don't think seeing where it happened would be helpful to me - that might not be the case for others though.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 21/05/2014 11:20

What if there isn't a grave or memorial?

Frankly I would rather show my support to the family of the dead by speaking to a journalist than to be silent and say nothing. There's a reason flowers are left at roadsides for years after accidents and I hope you don't ever have to feel a grieving families pain to find out why.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2014 11:23

As I said people find comfort in different things and handling things in different ways and I don't know how I would react so why the nasty tone?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/05/2014 11:25

Why speak to a journalist if you don't know the person? You see it all the time on the news, people talking to camera about paying their respect. By all means do that, but why allow yourself to talk about someone you didn't know?

I don't imagine that will mean much to the family, the overall support, yes but not the media hunting/

sazzlesb · 21/05/2014 11:36

I don't really understand why people who had no connection with the person would leave flowers but we had a tragic fatality of an 11 year old boy on our road 4 years ago and many floral tributes and tokens were left near the spot (including many from school friends). I thought it was a lovely gesture and one evening about a week later I spotted his family visiting and reading all the lovely messages (which they took home with them as some minor comfort)

Chippednailvarnish · 21/05/2014 11:38

There's no "nasty" tone. I do take issue with someone basically being critical and saying they can't see why people bother when they have clearly not been in the same position.

You don't know if the people who leave flowers knew the person, anymore then you don't know if a person's family will visit the scene and take comfort from the messages.

Look at Ann Maguire's family visiting the flowers at her school, I for one am glad they know people cared enough to show their respect for her.

chrome100 · 21/05/2014 11:44

My very best friend in the whole world was killed in an accident on Saturday. I have been very blessed so far, and this is the first person close to me who has died. Before this, I never understood public outpourings of grief, memorials, tattoos etc. Now I totally get it. You need to mark that person, have a physical reminder of them and what they meant to you. It is part of the process of coming to terms with what has happened and understanding they are gone. Everyone has different ways of doing it and whatever helps them should be encouraged.

SoFishy · 21/05/2014 11:45

So sorry chrome. Hope you are OK.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2014 11:47

I'm so sorry chrome
I agree that you should do whatever helps

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 21/05/2014 11:48

I am frankly a bit ( unsure of the right word....?) suspicious? Confused? Befuddled? Bemused? As to why you appear to see only negative motives op behind an act such as this.

IMO it's a much more open, honest act of respect, grief, sadness, wish for strength/help in the only way a stranger might feel able than cold deafening silence alone.

I think it's a time to take what you see as face value as the real deeper value. The negativity isn't polite.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2014 12:00

I'm actually wondering if people in general and the families and friends of the people who have been killed take comfort from a public display like this?
I'm a very private person and imagine I wouldn't want it but as I've said several times we handle things in different ways and you don't know how you react until you are in a situation.
I was genuinely wondering if it's helpful to visit places where such terrible things have happened for those left behind and whether the flowers etc ( and in particular comments to journalists) makes things better or worse for the family of someone this has happened to.
I am in no way criticising people who do, we are all different and just because I don't understand something it doesn't make it wrong.
My DD has actually asked if we should go and visit the scene as well but taking my DC to a place where such terrible violence has occurred seems wrong to me - note TO ME!

OP posts:
Dinosaurporn · 21/05/2014 12:17

I'm actually wondering if people in general and the families and friends of the people who have been killed take comfort from a public display like this?

Maybe you should re-read the thread - people have given you enough explanations.

steppemum · 21/05/2014 22:22

As I posted earlier, a girl in dd's class was killed a few weeks ago and lots of people left flowers.

I understand the motive much better now.
For a start, we were all grieving. I am in no way suggesting that our grief was like her families, but as a school, as a class, as a community of parents and children, we needed to grieve. The flowers were a way for everyone to say in some way that they care. I do not know the girl's parents and would feel very intrusive to send them a card. By having a public place it allowed people to show that they too were shocked and cared.

At one point we were asked by a journalist to comment. I refused as I don't know the family. But in retrospect it is just as valid for me to say "the whole community is shocked and we feel huge sympathy for the poor family" as it is for anyone else. For the journalist it shows how the people around have reacted.

I know that in this case the family was touched by the floral tributes and thanked the community for its support