Husband won't discuss

[Princesslucky1]

We have a child through donor sperm, before we had treatment we had to go to counselling to discuss any issues, one of them being should we tell child or not. We could not make a decision so decided we would talk about this in the future now child is almost 3 and I've tried to talk to my husband about should we tell or not... He said no we should not tell, I'm in between minds but would like to as least discuss it further. Donor can never be found and no information will ever be given to us or child. Its so confusing I hate secrets but what's the point in telling?

The point is that:

a) it isn't your secret you're keeping it's your childs. You will know something about your child that you plan never to let them know. They will know less about their make up than you do which doesn't sit right with me.
b) because you should be able to trust your parents and if they can keep quiet about who you are an lie convincingly as you get older then what else will/have they lied about.
c) because these things have a way of not staying secret and it very difficult to put that genie back in the bottle without damaging your relationship fundamentally.

I can see your husbands point in so much as if the donor cannot be traced then what exactly is going to be gained other than potentially a lot of heartache for your child.

That said I hate secrets too and am crap at lying even if for a good cause so I can see why you would find it difficult.

I think you both need to discuss further and possibly return to counselling in order to facilitate it.

I agree with Kew.

I would add that it is much easier to include a donor sperm story in the story of where I came from, if you do it at an early age. If you wait until dc is older then it comes as a shock rather than as a natural part of their story. By older I don't mean 18, I mean 8. I would want to have said it before they age school age

I can fully understand why your husband doesnt want to tell your child.

Telling the child that his dad is not his 'real' dad will bring all sorts of emotions for your husband.

I think your son is far too young to be told of this. In your position i would maybe consider it when the child is an adult.

If the donor cannot be traced, what good will it do telling the child?

Yes I can very much see his point I suppose the best thing would really be to find people in similar circumstances and see what they did and if they did tell child did it have a negative impact that's my biggest fear. Counsellor told it was 50/50 half told half kept it secret...

Hello

Was the treatment abroad I take it? We have donor egg ivf this week, we decided (if it works) to be 100% honest, we went to a donor seminar last year with donor conceived teenagers and parents and everyone was very pro honesty

Also I accidentally found out at about 9 that my dad wasn't my bio dad and it was horrible all round, that's helped me decide

Also how many people know it is it just you and DP?

Also have you seen the books you can start reading as a bedtime story to explain? That's what we will do, then give more info as they can take it

The treatment was done in Ireland. Only us and my mum who I trust 100% she also does not see the point in telling.

Can the your donor be traced Lauren?

what good will it do telling the child?

So that when/if child/adult finds out they don;t feel totally and utterly betrayed by people that they thought they could trust.

I would ask a differnt question.

Why not tell them? What are you ashamed of and if its such a big problem then why use donor sperm?

I'm an adopter, I'm well familiar with the "what they don't know won't hurt them" approach and its almost inevitably disastrous. How many lies are you going to add the the lie of omission... what happens when your child is much taller/shorter than your DH, looks different, has different talents as he gets older are you going to maintain the fiction that he's genetically related. How about blood tests, DNA tests etc. Are you ever going to be able to relax about it.

Of course your DH doesn't want to tell him. Its not his truth that being fucked around with. Is your DH trying to protect himself form your child feeling he isn't his "real" dad or is he trying to protect your child and f so, what from?

If they grow up with the knowledge, it will be normal for them. It could have horrendous repercussions when (not if) ds finds out.

Your Dh needs to realise that Ds won't love him any the less because he is not his "real" dad.
He may well love him less (or it will alter the relationship one way or another) when he has the shock of realising that he has been lied to all these years.

It will be virtually impossible to keep it a secret forever.
Your Ds has a right to know his origins and medical history.

Please be honest.

Three is not too young to be told. I told DS about his adoption before he was able to understand at all - about 2.

In your position i would maybe consider it when the child is an adult. Thats just about the worst advice I've ever heard.

I don't know what the Irish equivalent of the Donor Conception Network is but they have some great advice on this.

I know several DI children who have all been told.

Yes they can, the law changed years back its no longer anonymous, is that just England? At 16 the can get non identifying info and at 18 the lot, but the donor isn't obliged to update their address I don't think, that's why there less donors these days

DP and his family all thought at first to take it to the grave but they have agreed honestly is the best thing like I think.

Don't get me wrong if it works in 16/18 years it will be tense waiting to see what happens

Look on the donor conception network site loads of good info on there

Kewcumber the child will never find out unless we tell him. Sure lots of kids don't look like there dads and the clinic matched the donor very well with my husband, lots of people say they are the spit of each other!!! If child could find donor i certainly would be more open to telling him but he can never find any information ever...
My husband has an unbelievable bond with our child he does not want that to be messed up. His such a happy child, husband is his father just not biological. We had no option only use donor if we ever wanted a child.

Please don't do it when they are an adult, commit soon one way and stick with it. I know it's your choice but like I said my mum made a terrible error hiding it from me and when I found out accidentally it was heartbreaking for everyone, my dad has never been my step dad he is my dad, me finding out didn't make me view him any differently once I got over the shock at least

That's the thing its anonymous donor so no way child can ever find out anything about origins or medical history. Thanks all will look at donor conception site for more info

Everything Kew has said.

Dare I ask whether your DH is misguidedly feeling some kind of 'shame' in not having been able to father naturally? Could this be getting in the way of what is best for your DC?

What is best is, undoubtedly, the truth, from an early age when it won't seem in any way remarkable or strange. If the facts are presented in the right way - 'this is how much we wanted you' and the details made clear - 'the donor is untraceable', it is not a negative thing at all.

And you say that nobody will ever tell. What if blood tests/future health problems throw up things that require hereditary lines to be discussed/considered? This would be a horrible way for the truth to come out.

husband is his father just not biological.
Exactly. Ds will always be secure in this knowledge. It's not going to be ruined if he grows up knowing this is his "norm".

How can you live with the guilt of this massive secret?

The law may well change in the intervening years as I think most professionals now advocate complete honesty. Are you prepared to take that risk?

But your child will find out. Sooner or later, something will arise - blood group, possible hereditary illness, another change in the law, whatever.

Your H needs to get over himself. It;s not all about him.

Could you go back to the same counsellor to discuss again?

Don't say anything unless you are both united.

Make sure child knows the relevant medical history - assuming that you know what it is. (which I really hope you do).

princess - so, when he is unwell and it turns out to have a genetic link, only neither you nor dh have the gene.

Or when he is getting married and his wife says she is a carrier for X gene, and is he, should they get genetic testing because of future kids, and he says no, because you neither you nor dh are, but maybe his biodad is?

Or when he fills in ANY medical form and is asked - is there a risk of heart disease (or whatever)

He may never know if you don't tell him, but I actually think it is really very unfair to him to deny him this knowledge.

As others have said, there are great books about. My kids at this age started to ask about where babies come from, you just include simply phrases like 'sometimes mummys and daddys get help from someone else to make a baby.' It is part of his story, and Dad remains firmly Dad.

Finding out as an adult will destroy his relationship with his Dad, finding out now is a non issue.

You just cannot be sure that your child will never find out. You have no idea what situation could arise in which telling him might be necessary. If he finds out well into his life, by accident or only when you're forced to tell, you run the risk of him feeling fundamentally betrayed.

In any case, this is not your life story. It is your son's and he has the right to know all that can be known about it.

My dd was conceived by sperm donation. Her bond with her dad could not be stronger but she knows about her origins. At 8, her understanding is far from complete but she should never feel that we have misled her about her own story.

It remains to be seen how she will feel about never being able to know the identity of her donor but she knows who her daddy is.

My partner and I plan to conceive with donor sperm. We will tell child from day one, it is part of their story and we feel should not be kept from them. Far easier to tell than child finding out when adult by accident. It's normalish now adays for children to be conceived by donor and I think in future more children will discuss it as an every day thing.

Kewcumber the child will never find out unless we tell him

Well I admire your certainty. Though it is misplaced, you cannot be certain you just can't be that naive. I know a child who inherited a genetic illness from the donor - how are you going to explain that away - lie about that too? What about in 15 years when they allow insurance companies to do DNA testing to look for certain markers and start asking some rather awkward questions? What then?

As an adoptive parent I can't see how you can lie to your child about something so fundamental and claim what an unbelievable bond you have - when you know you are concealing something that they have a right to know about their own life.

My point wasn't that all bio children look like their parents but that when something like this is commented on by your child or by others, you are piling up the lies every time you smile as say "Oh he gets his looks from his mother/uncle Joey. And your child may have similar characteristic to your DH at the moment but children change.

husband is his father just not biological - I think you must have missed the bit where I said that I was an adoptive parent. I am devoted to my child and we have an incredible bond. You don't have to lie to them in order to have that.