Husband won't discuss

[Princesslucky1]

We have a child through donor sperm, before we had treatment we had to go to counselling to discuss any issues, one of them being should we tell child or not. We could not make a decision so decided we would talk about this in the future now child is almost 3 and I've tried to talk to my husband about should we tell or not... He said no we should not tell, I'm in between minds but would like to as least discuss it further. Donor can never be found and no information will ever be given to us or child. Its so confusing I hate secrets but what's the point in telling?

Also, the advice we read was that children definitely should be told so I would question the 50/50 figure you mention.

I am amazed you went through with it without having agreed this in advance.

I cannot think of a single positive for withholding information like this from a child. I think it children should know the truth from before they are even old enough to understand it, so they grow up knowing and there can never be that bombshell of finding out and realising that your whole life you have been lied to.
Medical reasons can be one way that these truths come out.

Your DH needs to remember that he is your child's father and nothing will ever change that.

Yes I suppose there is a certain amount of shame for my husband as I think there would be for any man in this situation. I suppose it could all go public as well if child knows all our family, friends may find out. We could go back to counsellor even though she wasn't much help just said its a very personal choice.. Medical history was all good from what we know.

What about in 15 years when they allow insurance companies to do DNA testing to look for certain markers and start asking some rather awkward questions? What then?

Very good point to consider. I think that this will almost definitely happen.

Congrats on getting a beautiful baby after having fertility issues op !
This is a hard topic I guess, I can't imagine how your Dh feels but he is obviously struggling .
There are some great kids books on the net that introduce the concept of egg/ sperm donor ship and I think 3 yrs is a good time to start sowing the seed of thought . I bought one for a good friend who used a donor egg .
I hope your Dh can see that honesty is so important , it's about trust . How can you ask your son to trust you if you hide the facts of his start from him . It is after all only a big deal if its allowed to be .

The earlier they know, the better. I always knew my family history. My dad was always my dad, despite the lack of genetic link. When he died when I was still a child, I don't have to fear sharing the genes that participated in him dying young. Children accept things much better the younger they are. You can't avoid genetic curiosity, but you can avoid resentment.

I think you are wrong to keep this a secret. I totally understand why you want to but it's just not something I would be able to live with. There is every chance that your son will find out in later life (medical emergency for example) and the shock will be awful.

If it is any consolation my Dd was also born through donor sperm although as a gay parent my situation is different. Anyway, Dd has always known about the way she was concieved and although we do know the donor Dd has met him several.times she is not especially interested in developing a relationship with him and says she is more than happy with us. It was very important to us that she knew about her heritage from a young age.

I know you are trying to protect your dh and ds from potential hurt but imho you can't just pretend this didn';t happen.

I can see that the situation is alot more complicated if none of your family know. Clearly in my case it was somewhat obvious!

There's no reason for your DH to feel shame. There's nothing for him to be ashamed of. This is not your secret. It is your son's life story and it is not right to keep it from him.

Your child may find out in the future if they need an organ donation or bone marrow donation or something and your husband has to explain why he can't donate.
I think your DNA is a big part of you and that knowing whether or not you are genetically related to the people who raise you is important. When asked about his family history for instance any diseases his father and his father's family have are irrelevant to his chance of getting those diseases so if for instance his father gets heart disease young as did his father your child may not realise that is irrelevant to his chance of getting heart disease.
Men often don't like admitting to a child they aren't the biological parent through a fear of rejection and feeling like a lesser parent. I don't think this should be about them though, it should be about the child and I think a child should always be told if they are adopted or donor/ surrogate children. I think 3 is too young to understand, on the other hand 12 is too old. I'd probably favour about 8-10.

Ok thanks everyone I think ye have opened my eyes to the situation..I'm going to show this thread to my husband and I think he will change his mind. It's the first time I've ever really discussed it with anyone so I suppose we are naive we just have such a lovely little family and are so happy we hate rocking the boat! But yes ye are correct our child needs the truth.

You can talk to really young children in a very gentle, appropriate way about things like this. No, you don't go.into all the ins and outs but I actually made a little story book about it for my Dd when she was about 2. If they grow up knowing there is never that "Oh my god!" moment to dread. Sure, they occasionally ask awkward questions but 99 % of the time you all just get on with the ordinairy family life you have always wanted.

Best of luck and congratulations to you!

My nephews favourite bedtime story was about the about the special way he became a member of the family. He has always known about his origins long before he could understand them. I think having to live with this secret will in the long run be much much harder for you than the truth. As others have said there are so many ways in which he could find out. So much better for it not to come as a shock.

It really is very important to discuss this with your child at an early age. I have seen the fallout of big 'I'm not your father!' reveals when children are older and the consequences are devastating to the relationship, especially if the secret comes out during the teenage years. I feel for your DH but it really is in his best interests to be emphasizing that he is your DS's father in every way that really matters.

Congratulations on your son and your willingness to face these difficult issues head on

I do think one thing to get DH to understand is that introduced early enough as a concept then your child most likely will see it as Normal and DH is and always will be daddy.

It's DH that is making himself less secure as "daddy" by worrying about simple biology.

Biology doesn't make a parent, being there from the beginning, loving and protecting their child that's what makes a father.

Oldest DSis is technically half sister but none of us including her were told until we were older and it did affect her because it seemed a huge secret BUT dad was and stayed constant and it went away. I remember telling a Dr once an allergy reaction must be hereditary as DF and Dsis had the same reaction. Only after did I remember that wasn't actually possible! Id just totally forgotten.

However she lost a child and at one point genetic testing for cause was a possibility if she hadn't already known can you imagine a worse time to find out?

I wouldn't. It could make your dh seem, or at least feel, like less of a father; both to to himself and to your child. This could also place a strain on your marriage. Also, if there's no way of tracing the biological father then it could lead to a lot of frustration and unanswered questions for your child, who may feel, unnecessarily, that they don't know who they really are. Leave it, for all your sakes.

It is very likely that in the near future it will be run of the mill for people to have their DNA profile done to identify any predisposition to medical conditions they might have and so know how best to adapt their lifestyle to remain healthy. Maybe insurance companies will require it. Such a profile might throw up something or idle conversations with dad re. son's profile (or just re. contemporary medical history forms) would require dad to lie (as would any discussions re. family history/genealogy).

You certainly have to tell the truth, if there is ever a medical problem they will certainly find out ( blood groups etc)

Not an identical scenario, but dh's best friend discovered not long after his 16th birthday that the man he called dad actually wasn't. There were other issues there (the step father was never especially kind to friend) but finding this out was the catalyst that led to him packing a bag and walking out. We went to his wedding last year, he's in his forties, neither parent was present. The rift never healed.

Having watched this dh was pretty adamant we should tell our dd, who was 9 months when we met with no dad on the birth certificate, that he was his dad in all but biology. We were always honest with him and in turn he's now a pretty well rounded 21 year old with no interest in his biology but a deep love and respect for the man who raised him and wanted him.

I realise this is different somewhat, but the impact on a child discovering this kind secret years down the line can be huge. Personally I'd introduce it as being a special thing, we wanted you so much we had to have a little help. Leave it at that for a few years and as he is older introduce A little more detail. The child accepts it as normal I think and there is no resentment.

Good luck in whatever you decide op
[Flowers]

You won't rock the boat if he grows up with the truth.

But it will almost certainly be sunk when he finds out you have lied to him his entire life.

And in a age of DNA and genetic testing etc I think it is pretty certain it will come up.

What if he carries a gene that could be disastrous for his children? Do you think he will thank you for lying then?

This isn't your secret to keep.

Can't give advice either way.

But does anyone else besides you two know about it? The more people that know about a secret the more chance it has of leaking. There's a chance someone could slip, they could tell him spitefully if you god forbid get divorced.

I have a child conceived with donor sperm, and she is now six. My circumstances were different to yours, but I have still had to think carefully about the issue.

I have talked to my daughter about her origins in an age-appropriate way since she was old enough to ask questions about how babies grow - and they do start young! I talked about how some mummies/daddies need extra help to start a baby growing, and the doctor helped us...... I tried for a second through IVF as well, so it brought up opportunities to talk about it when I went to appointments with the "baby doctor".

It actually doesn't need to be made in to a big issue for the child, you two will always be seen as his parents, and his understanding of his conception will grow with him.

Good luck xx

I wouldn't leave it any later to tell your ds. My dds are 7 and 9 and at this age it would come as an big shock to be told. Much better to introduce it as a toddler

There is a similar situation in my family.
Some people on here have mentioned the huge fallout that will occur later in life: and this might not happen when the child is a young adult, but when they have lived a life, perhaps when you parents are no longer around, when he is 65 yrs old.... It would be ahuge shock then. The biological fact would be insignificant. But a lifetime of being lied to by omission? That would be so lonely/unfair/....

My Db and his wife met when her DS was 2yrs. EVERYONE knows that db is not the childs biological dad, EXCEPT the Ds. The Ds is now 18 yrs old. The fall out will happen, even if ot happens when he's old and grey. I wish they had told him when he was little, because I hate lying to him (when he asked me why I didn't know him as a baby, why his brother is named after my DB's best friend, and not him....)