Husband won't discuss

[Princesslucky1]

We have a child through donor sperm, before we had treatment we had to go to counselling to discuss any issues, one of them being should we tell child or not. We could not make a decision so decided we would talk about this in the future now child is almost 3 and I've tried to talk to my husband about should we tell or not... He said no we should not tell, I'm in between minds but would like to as least discuss it further. Donor can never be found and no information will ever be given to us or child. Its so confusing I hate secrets but what's the point in telling?

Everyone can give an opinion on this but really you have to work it out together through counselling!

I agree with telling from as early as possible. We're in a similar position, egg donation abroad, and could have chosen a donor who was blood type compatible (to facilitate concealment) but didn't bother, as we were fairly sure that concealment was a bad idea. We're already in a world where people can send off DNA samples to internet companies for analysis, and doing so for all sorts of frivolous reasons will be more common as the price comes down. (It only costs of the order of £100 at the moment.)

Having said that, DD nearly 4 has not been told anything yet. Where babies come from has not come up. I want to start saying something now, but not sure what to say.

That's really tricky Fraidy as you must feel like you have to watch what you say all the time. What did you say about why you didn't know him as a baby?

Make your own bedtime story book Fraidy, you can even get DD to draw some picture for it and laminate it and tell her the story of a little girl and her parents. Ifs a bit life a life book. Start with the now then go back to you as a couple before her and tell the story of how she came to be and then come back to the now.

Ie sandwich it between two things that she's stable and secure with. I'm pretty sure the DCN have resources about this. Or if you look through some of the adoption threads about telling your children its a similar process with some of the trickier bits missed out.

www.dcnetwork.org/

Some very good advice here and they have a booklet you can get aimed at 0-7 yr olds.

www.dcnetwork.org/telling-your-child

I've conceived with anonymous donor sperm (outside the UK) and we will tell our child as soon as s/he is old enough to understand and probably before. We're making a "birth story" book so they know how much they were wanted.

We're planning to explain that just like some people need extra blood when they go into hospital, some people need extra sperm or eggs to help them have a baby. I'm also going to be an egg donor - partly to keep that karmic circle going but also because our child will understand that the child produced with donated eggs isn't "my" child, it's just a little bit of medical help I gave to another couple.

It's easier for us to make the decision that we will tell the child because we're a same-sex couple so it's obvious that we can't both be genetic parents.

There is way too much stigma attached to non-genetic parenting, when really IMHO genetics are perhaps the least important part of parenting.

It sounds like this is your DH's issue over being a "real" dad and that he needs lots of reassurance that he is as real as they come.

It's not the same situation but I can recommend a book called "Confessions of the other mother" which is about lesbian parents whose partners were the gestational parent. None of them have any doubt that they are still a parent!

Sorry Fraidy My question should have been addressed to barnet

personally I am with your husband .if you are adopted at least there is a chance of finding your biological parents .but this will cause questions you can never answer .what is the point .your hubby will be mortified and your son confused .and nothing will be solved .

Thanks Kewcumber. I'm following up those links now.

OP, at first I thought, your child is only 3, it's too early.

After reading the answers and especially what Kew wrote I changed my mind and think it is really important that the child doesn't remember a time she/he didn't know.

You have a child, and you have a secret in this very special relationship between parents and child. It will always be there, the older your child gets, the bigger the secret gets.
Don't let it. It's not going away. Deal with it and make your husband see sense.
You wanted this child so much. You think it is a big thing, your dh may even feel embarrassed about it, (does your family know?) but for the child it could be just the normality, the way things are. Nothing to talk about endlessly, just a puzzle piece of his/her background.

The self made book of his/her life is a good idea. My dd (5) is very into making booklets, and has done plenty of them maybe from age 4.

Good luck.

I think you should not tell at this stage, your child is only 3 and far too young to understand.

But I think you and your husband one day need to tell the child about it, when the time is right.

So you are not "keeping a secret" now, you are "holding" the information until your child is mature enough to understand and it is appropriate to tell them.

It is difficult to say when this might be as depends on the child. Children grow up an awful lot between 3 and 5 / 6.

FWIW my daughter is about to turn 5, has done a year of school, and I would think about telling her something like this at around this point, as she has the capacity to understand.

I think although it might be upsetting or confusing for your child to find out that dad isn't their biological father, in the long run the trust gained in both of you for telling them (provided you do it in an age appropriate way) would outweigh the downsides, I would say.

I don't think 3 is too young to understand, so long as it is discussed at a very basic level. Then as they get older and it gets talked about in greater detail it will never be a shock, they will have always known.

The only way this will ever be a problem for your DC is if you make it into a big 'secret worthy' issue - ie by not telling him, or delaying it.

Make it into a complete non-issue by talking about it openly - not in a 'sit down and discuss' way, but by casually mentioning the fact that 'mummy and daddy wanted you so much that we got help from the hospital to make sure we had you' (or words to that effect). He is too young to understand the biology, so don't try to make him understand it yet. Just telling him the basic facts that you needed help to have a baby will get him used to the idea and the fact that it's the way his life began. As he gets older and the subject comes up now and again (and you can make sure it does), the biology side of it will become clear to him - but because he will already 'know' about it anyway, it will never be a shock to him.

I can understand why your H is worried about this, but honestly, this doesn't need to be built up into a huge issue unless the two of you make it into one.

I'd tell my child when the "where do babies come from" question comes up.

Seems logical - when they start asking how a baby is made, you can tie in the other options.

But you still have a mummy and a daddy that love each other (which seems to be a key part in the child's guide to making a baby).

Best of luck.

Tell him the truth right from the start

Mary, I think the "waiting until the child is old enough to understand" is the spontanuous reaction to OP's question.

It makes sense in so many other issues of parenting. But not here, I agree.

The problem is, people post on a forum without thinking things through, without experience, without knowledge of psychology.

barnet I know a family in a similar situation, although they told their son when he was about 8. There was absolutely no fallout and years on, with the parents divorced, the son spends every weekend with his non-bio dad, as any other child might with a non-resident parent.

But I think both my friend's and you brother's situations are quite different to the OP's.

There has to be a way of doing this. Something involving really wanting a little boy but needing a bit of help. As others have said, there's advice out there which is going to be far better than the idle thoughts of randomers (of which I am one!).

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies, nobody knows this except my mother. We talked late last night and have decided we will tell him when the time is right. We are going to find out as much information about the best way to do this before we do it. We can't decide if we should tell other family as in my husbands parents it's going to be a big shock!

sez I'd tell my child when the "where do babies come from" question comes up

My child hasn't asked where babies come from in 13 and a half years! I wouldn't rely on waiting to be asked, basically.

I have a friend whose husband didn't know he was adopted.

For years, he listed family medical history that wasn't accurate - including when he had his wife were planning children, because she was a carrier for CF. According to his 'family history' he wasn't.

They got lucky with their eldest child. They didn't with their second.

His mum died last year. They hadn't spoken in fifteen years - and you can't blame him.

For medical reasons alone, OP, you have to tell your child. Yes, the donor clinic will have taken a full history, and will probably have ruled out anything as obvious as CF, but it was only accurate to the day it was taken. Chances are your donor was a young man - cancer, diabetes, cholesterol, heart disease are all genetically linked, and all will only, usually, start to show symptoms later in life.

Too, what happens if your husband is diagnosed with something with a link. That could lead to assumptions being made about your son's health in the future. A solid history is vital in modern medicine - you'll be lying every time you take him to the GP!