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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

508 replies

Mrssodapop · 19/05/2014 19:48

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

OP posts:

BlackDaisies · 19/05/2014 22:17

You're making this all about you, and whether or not she trusts you. It's not, it's about your SIL wanting to know her child is ok. Like other posters have said, mums will often call partners and parents to check their children are ok. It doesn't mean they don't trust them. With the best will and care in the world accidents happen, and an anxious mum may need to put her mind at rest with a quick call. I think she was very restrained not to call again for four hours after you ignored her first call.

Blistory · 19/05/2014 22:18

Equally baffled by the response you're getting, OP.

I wouldn't be so quick to do her a favour in future given the disruption it appears to cause to family events.

Reading the responses it would appear that you kidnapped her child and taunted her instead of just being a lovely aunt babysitting for a day.

Blistory · 19/05/2014 22:18

Equally baffled by the response you're getting, OP.

I wouldn't be so quick to do her a favour in future given the disruption it appears to cause to family events.

Reading the responses it would appear that you kidnapped her child and taunted her instead of just being a lovely aunt babysitting for a day.

Blistory · 19/05/2014 22:18

Equally baffled by the response you're getting, OP.

I wouldn't be so quick to do her a favour in future given the disruption it appears to cause to family events.

Reading the responses it would appear that you kidnapped her child and taunted her instead of just being a lovely aunt babysitting for a day.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 19/05/2014 22:20

You were spiteful. You can't use a child to get at your sil

Would you have answered the phone if your brother had rung to check how his child was?

My mum has ds one day a week and I always ring to check in. I trust her completely, I just like to keep in touch (and thank her again as I'm hugely grateful for the childcare)

Ds goes to nursery two days and sometimes if he's popped into my head I quickly ring to check on him. I ring if he's been unsettled at drop off too. They don't mind.

ssd · 19/05/2014 22:20

op, you can babysit my kids and I wont phone and bug you all day!

Janethegirl · 19/05/2014 22:23

I just don't get the need to check up on Dcs on such a regular basis unless they were unwell when you left them, or they were planning hazardous activities ( ok unlikely with a 3 year old!).

MNHQ

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 19/05/2014 22:24

Evening all,
thread's like Swiss cheese now, in many cases thanks to people repeating PAs made by others. Doh!
Deep breaths, everyone. In with anger... out with love...

UncleT · 19/05/2014 22:28

Blistory maybe it wouldn't be so 'baffling' if you weren't deliberately ignoring half the story, glossing over the fact that we know the SIL is anxious about leaving the kids, the fact that she would ring max three times hours apart, and the fact that OP deliberately ignored a call and has overreacted massively in deciding that this is all about a perceived sleight on her babysitting skills.

Hobnobissupersweet · 19/05/2014 22:31

Amazed at so many thinking you are bu, are NBU. You babysit her child, doing her a favour. Either she trusts you enough to have her dc all day, or she doesn't abandon them for that long, it's not rocket science. I am old enough to have left my oldest (20) at the childminders when no-one had mobile phones and if my cm was out with her own dc then no contact possible. Have always held with no news is good news, think your sil needs to remember that as well.
I would have been irritated by the phone calls too, and am at the parent who expects her 22 and 23 years olds to check in every day. Independent living, not for all clearly.

MistressDeeCee · 19/05/2014 22:32

OP youve said she always calls when you are looking after her DC. I doubt you'd be so irritated over nothing - after all if she trusts you with her child you can't be THAT unreasonable can you? - so in your place yes, Id be annoyed. I dont think YABU as it sounds as if she checks on your very regularly. I left my DCs with family I could trust, when they were younger. Normally my sister. I called once to check all ok, made sure I spoke to DCs too, and and anything after that is usually texts. Thats it. Im not so precious as to believe that if something did go wrong, they wouldnt call to let me know!! & besides if I was very anxious about someone who was looking after my DC Id rather forego nights out and stay home. I couldnt be out worrying. Thats no fun.

In your place I would prefer to let them arrange their own childcare, even if they have to pay for it. That way you won't be over-checked on, or blamed because DC got a bit messy with paint. Go to the family event with your head held high - you've done nothing wrong and its nice of you to help with babysitting. But let them get on with it from now on.

Don't worry about it causing a rift - after all they've discussed it between themselves and decided that your brother should give you a good telling off and put you in your place, as if you're a child/the hired help; no doubt after youve been put in your place and know to adhere to their drill - you'd be asked to babysit again! Fuck that. Let them get on with it, I should think you have quite enough to be getting on with as a mum yourself.

mimishimmi · 19/05/2014 22:32

Why were you babysitting for presumably over 8 hours OP? That's not your SIL going off for a doctor's appointmen, a luncht or the like! If your SIL had a prior habit of calling every half hour every time you babysat, YANBU. If it was just based on calls with the frequency in the OP, YABVVU. Three times a day over a long stretch of time especially if she's generally quite anxious is not excessive.

thebodylovesspring · 19/05/2014 22:32

janethegirl lucky you that you don't feel the need to. Others do. It's not a huge deal to answer a phone call and reassure a parent is it really.

Everyone has worries and concerns about something unless they are a robot.

It's good to understand, empathise and reassure others even if you don't need it yourself.

SaucyJack · 19/05/2014 22:35

we know the SIL is anxious about leaving the kids

If she's that anxious, maybe she should stay at home and look after her own kid herself in future instead of getting shirty with someone who's doing her a massive favour?

HicDraconis · 19/05/2014 22:35

If it looks like a duck, quacks and lays eggs ... If you say bitchy things (like thinking it would be good to teach your SiL a lesson?!) then people will form their own conclusions. Act like one, get called out on it. Not saying you are one, just that with every response you post you are coming across in a less and less flattering light.

You were being unreasonable. End of. I call / text my husband a few times a day while at work asking if the boys are ok, how their day was, what they're up to. It doesn't mean I don't trust him, it means I'm interested in my boys and their happiness even if I have to be away from them.

Your posts are all you, you, you. It's not about you. It's about your SiL trusting you enough to leave her precious baby with you and you acting like a total eejit.

I wouldn't go to the BBQ either. Not to make a fuss or create drama, but because I wouldn't want to socialise with someone who thinks it's her role in life to teach me lessons when it clearly isn't. Also because I would be worried over fallout and want to avoid the situation.

I like your SiL.

thebodylovesspring · 19/05/2014 22:37

hobnob my dd then 12 was seriously injured abroad on a school trip after a fatal crash so not detailing the thread here but answering your points as I am the parent who texts her grown up children

You can't possibly imagine the horror of anxiety unless you suffer from it. My children are very independent by the way despite me.

HicDraconis · 19/05/2014 22:38

I don't think op is doing her SiL such a "massive favour" if she's so petty as to make her sweat - knowing she's anxious about leaving her child - just because she thinks it might be good for her.

She's done her a favour with her latest behaviour though - shown the rest of the family exactly what sort of person she is.

thebodylovesspring · 19/05/2014 22:39

Of course the op is quite within her rights to not babysit too of course.

Janethegirl · 19/05/2014 22:39

Sorry thebody I just don't understand the incessant need that some do to check and check again on their Dcs. If they are really that concerned, book the little darlings into a child care facility that permits online monitoring by the dear parents. It's really not my thing

usuallysuspect · 19/05/2014 22:43

I'd be shirty if I knew someone was deliberately not answering my calls to teach me a lesson.

I'd think they were a knob tbh.

thebodylovesspring · 19/05/2014 22:45

No I do see your point jane although I wouldn't think 3 hours for a 3 year old was ott.

However it does sound like the op and her sil are polar opposites so probably neither will understand the other.

It's hard because I can see the sils anxiety and how it seems to irritate the op.

Too different to ever gel I think.

HicDraconis · 19/05/2014 22:48

A couple of phone calls 4h apart isn't an incessant need to check and check again. Phoning every 30mins is incessant. Bloody hell.

mindthegap79 · 19/05/2014 22:48

I definitely wouldn't want someone this spiteful looking after my child - what a terrible influence you sound.

Purpleroxy · 19/05/2014 22:49

It's difficult. On the one hand you are doing her a big favour. On the other hand she is clearly anxious about leaving a 3yo.

I think she trusts you otherwise she wouldn't leave the child. However, that will not stop her being anxious. So I wouldn't take offence. She just needs reassurance, which I can appreciate makes you feel untrusted and irritated but it isn't to do with you, it's to do with her because she's worried.

Probably you are both a bit in the wrong, neither more than the other. You should not have ignored her call for 4 hours. But then she should probably have not called, it would have been better for her to text apologetically "sorry to text, I just feel anxious away from my dd, can you just text saying she's ok". Then you could have understood and replied at your leisure (but not 4hours later!).

The clothes are a red herring. A) I doubt they are ruined and B) 3yos muck clothes up all the time anyway, it's to be expected so they shouldn't be in precious stuff.

Dazoo · 19/05/2014 22:49

Good Grief. Imagine if a nursery had to answer all these calls because empathasizing with nervous neuroticparents were calling. Give the op a break, she wasn't purposely teaching the sil a lesson. They trust her, the kid was having fun painting.

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