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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

508 replies

Mrssodapop · 19/05/2014 19:48

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today Wink I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

OP posts:
CountessVronsky · 20/05/2014 15:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, depending on how you delivered the message. I'm surprised at the reaction you've gotten.

In your situation I'd say: I'm delighted to have your daughter, but if you're really too nervous to leave her, then don't.

Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 15:07

You really should read her other posts Countess. A couple of people on here have and originally said YANBU, they have since changed their minds.

PrincessBabyCat · 20/05/2014 15:08

I got that, Jinglets, it was quite obvious but what could the mum have done had the baby NOT been settling? She was on her way to a hospital appointment. I understand the anxiety but if it's that acute and OP and SIL/brother don't see eye to eye, why makes those arrangements?

She could have let OP know how to settle her child, what she liked best, etc.

In that scenario, I'd rather get to the hospital myself - husband stay home with baby - or both come with me and husband entertains baby. No need for OP to babysit. If OP is deemed a suitable choice then why fret? I know we only have OP's side of the story anyway, there's possibly more to it.

A toddler in a hospital all day? Really? Hospitals are not a good place for energetic little humans to be stuck it. It's a recipe for disaster. Why should SIL have to go through something alone in a hospital? Seems a little cruel.

Just because OP was a suitable choice doesn't mean she isn't going to worry. I know my husband is a safe driver, I still text him every now and again to make sure he got to work safely. Sometimes a little "yes everything is fine" is all someone needs to feel reassured.

EasyTigeress · 20/05/2014 15:10

I think the reason OP posted that Modern is because she has been accused of em... let's say over exaggerating previously. That time it was to do with her husband's lack of parenting skills and common sense.

Actually OP maybe that's why your SIL wants to check in when her child is at your house.

Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 15:10

I said "if" Lying.

Regardless as to whether or not she was has any mh conditions it was a day to be sensitive and maybe even slightly indulge her more "immature or anxious" behaviours.

She had a hospital appointment in a different town the was going to take all say to travel to.

As for why did she let OP babysit? Because she probably does trust her to look after her dd well. That doesn't mean to say that she's all that kind to adults though.

RiverTam · 20/05/2014 15:14

because (as the OP said in one of her posts, again why I asked if you'd read them all) that there's no other family around and no-one else to ask. And possibly because they don't have any issue with the care the OP provides - they just want to be able to ring up every so often to ask how things are going, which really is perfectly normal. But the OP had decided this is about lack of trust (and I'm reading into this that that's tied into SIL not taking her advice or allowing her to look after DNeice when she was a tiny baby: 'I had offered to babysit for her when her baby was really little but she didn't take me up on it because she thought her baby would want her if she woke up and wasn't prepared to try it with me' - again, nothing unusual there).

It really does read as some kind of power play by the OP.

RiverTam · 20/05/2014 15:15

sorry, that was in response to Lying.

ModernToss · 20/05/2014 15:15

Thanks, Easy. She doesn't seem to have a very high regard for anyone else's parenting skills, does she?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/05/2014 15:23

I am totally with LyingWitch here. Yes, fine - maybe phone once or twice in the day. But half an hour after leaving your child with someone who you've asked to look after him/her? An occasional text msg would be fine, surely?OP could have sent a couple of text msgs, I agree, just to reassure the Mum and not "withheld" information. That could be considered controlling, certainly, but she was doing a favour - it wasn't paid childcare. If SiL was so worried, why didn't she take baby with her to the appointment? I drove my tiny son 180 miles when my Dad had a heart attack.

A very good friend of mine looked after my first baby when I went back to work. I would NEVER have constantly phoned her. We had an agreement, I trusted her implicitly. If anything was wrong, she would have called me. It's not rocket science.

As for husbands/partners calling several times a day, good heavens above. That would really get on my nerves. Why is everyone so precious nowadays? Get on with your work, get on with your tasks/appointments, let the person who has kindly agreed to look after and entertain your child get on with it and allow them to have a fun day. Otherwise, don't ask for the free babysitting service again.

EasyTigeress · 20/05/2014 15:28

No she certainly does not. Which is quite sad actually because if as she says there isn't many family members around it sounds like she is pushing away her most immediate family with the attitude that she has. It also means that her own children will not have as strong and solid a relationship with their cousins as they could have had if she had just respected her brothers wife's wishes, and the fact her brother has sided with his wife I presume his also.

basgetti · 20/05/2014 15:31

She didn't constantly phone her though. She phoned to check she had settled, and then again after lunch which was ignored for 4 hours. She was hardly bombarding the OP with calls.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/05/2014 15:39

I think maybe there's a little bit of fault on both sides here. SiL didn't want OP to look after baby when she was very little, but now it's convenient to ask and she wants a favour, she has done so (but is a bit paranoid about leaving toddler).

OP appears a little controlling about how she has handled the episode, a bit mean to not return the second call (although I can understand her being annoyed about the first, half an hour into the visit). A text msg to confirm that all was well would have been lovely. SiL wouldn't have worried so much.

Seems they just need to sit and chat about it, really.

Original poster
Mrssodapop · 20/05/2014 15:42

There is history with me and sil as you can see, her not wanting my advice and generally keeping me at a distance. It all started over their wedding because I wanted to help out with various arrangements and SIL felt I was "taking over" so I took a backseat and had nothing to do with the pair of them really on the day and then they moaned afterwards and said I'd barely talked to them, I can't win! SIL spent time in a childrens home when she was little and I think that's made her neurotic about her dd which isn't healthy for the child, I was trying to show her that she can leave her dd for the day with someone and it all be ok but as usual she's flown off the handle. Now they're saying they'll come to the bbq but my mum told me my brother said they want nothing more to do with me really because they think I "played mind games" with them through their child. See, told you she's hysterical. Anyway, I think I'll leave this thread now because its got a bit out of hand.

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 15:45

Anyone got a winch? Think I need my jaw mechanically lifted from the floor.

Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 15:46

Btw OP, I don't think your SIL is a neurotic, hysterical individual.

She's of completely sound mind a a cracking judge of character.

PersonOfInterest · 20/05/2014 15:48
Happyringo · 20/05/2014 15:48

Are you for real OP? Or is this some kind of joke? You tried to monopolise their wedding and now their child? You are the sil from hell...

kinkymouse · 20/05/2014 15:49

But you did "play mind games " when you ignored a phonecall from sil for 4 hours while her child was in your care. I would of called just to check in as your SIL did, I probably would of felt it was good manners just incase there was a problem. You have acted very U.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2014 15:49

Mrssodapop you are playing with us yes? Because you cannot be for real!

Aghast doesn't even cover it. You really have to be the least self-aware poster I have ever come across. And that is saying something!!

I would very much love to hear from your sil. That would make quite a read I think!!!

Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 15:50

Much obliged PoI Wink

Gruntfuttock · 20/05/2014 15:50

Atbeckandcall My reaction to that last post by the OP was the same as yours. It is literally jawdropping! Absolutely astonishing.

ScrambledSmegs · 20/05/2014 15:50
Shock
hoppingmad · 20/05/2014 15:50

Seriously op? I really want to call wind up but sadly I have met people like you, totally unaware of their own behaviour.

We only have your side of the story and that's enough to paint you as a control freak who strops when she doesn't get her own way. I would so love to hear the sil's side

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2014 15:50

Mrssodapop... I know how these things can escalate. I think as you've apologised, leave it there for now and take some time to think about things from your brother's and SIL's viewpoint. You weren't in the wrong particularly but I think you weren't tactful either. Tact and diplomacy goes a long way in a family.

Let this blow over and maybe offer an olive branch to your brother and SIL. I'd also ask my mum to keep out of it and stop passing messages - I'd speak to my brother/SIL face to face.

... and yes, I'd leave the thread too. It's run its course and nothing good is going to come from keeping posting on it.

RiverTam · 20/05/2014 15:51

un-fucking-believable!

I stand by everything single thing I've said in this thread, deleted or otherwise.

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