To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

[Mrssodapop]

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

Just because you were a parent first, doesn't make you god of parenting.

Every parent, every child is different. I thought you were both being unreasonable at first but your subsequent posts make me think, you do think you are better than you SIL. I think the reason it's awkward is others may think your SIL is in the right and that you are just being a PITA. Especially if you come across in real life the way you are here.

I don't think this is about phone calls or anxiety or even babysitting. It's about power. The OP attempting to use her neice to exert power over her SIL and is now angry that it isn't working and she has been called on it. I suspect there's a lot of jealousy going on and the OP is dealing with her jealousy by undermining her SIL and puffing herself up with faux superiority.

That comment about having more experience was pretty horrible tbh. Until you have had my child from my vagina grown with my DNA, you've got jack all relevant experience.

I meant OP's comment, not aimed at anyone else Just realised it might look that way!

PleaseJustShoot, that's a very valid point. I suspect up until now everyone else has been "Yes Sir, No Sir, Three Bags Full Sir." Because you have probably exerted your "advice" and opinions and dished out similar behaviours to others that don't tow the line.
Well SIL sussed you out and called you out on it. It's upset you that someone can't behave they way YOU want them to. Good.

Mine calls! As he gets to work, at lunch and then before he leaves.

What should I do?!

LTB

What's that, Atbeckandcall... Leave the Babysitter?

She isn't checking up on you, she is reassuring herself.

I have texted both my dds today at school. One has a bad cold and one had a GCSE exam this am so texted to see how one was and how the exam went.

They texted me back.

Dh texted me from the downstairs office to ask if I wanted a cuppa! I am packing his bloody case.

YOU, Mrssodapop, will become a terrible mother in law, or grandmother one day.

I rarely come across a poser with such entitlement, lack of insight, and self insight in one swoop.

You sally forth with plenty of unsolicited advice, sulk and have "bad feeling" because your sil wont relinquish her baby into your care, and when she does, she is not allowed to call you to check on her baby.

The poor woman was at a hospital appointment in another town, and you, to prove a point, and show who was in control, refused to put her mind at rest.

You are callous, you are.

Control freak

Have you thought about what would happen if you had an emergency and needed childcare too? Perhaps sil might decline now due to your mean behaviour.

Have you apologised to them yet OP?

Saying it was thoughtless of you not to answer the phone/call back & are sorry?

And just that, no excuses, ifs or buts?

Oh God, I can't believe I've just wasted 20 minutes reading through a thread which MUST either be a reverse or a joke, surely? Could anyone really be as lacking in self-awareness as the OP?

Excellent post by Bruno back on p.13, though - if the thread is "real", I think that sums up the situation perfectly.

I posted earlier, but I've just realised something.

The ironic part is that the theme of this years MH week (12-18 May), so it only finished two days ago was, anxiety.

One of the strategies recommended us to explose yourself to the situation, in a safe manner, which the SIL would be able to do, if she had family support.

It is a good sign that nearly everyone said the OP was BU, but the message around MH issues, still isn't reaching everyone.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, you asked why the SIL called half an hour later. The OP wrote why. To ask how the baby is settling in. That's why it doesn't look like you've read all the posts.

I got that, Jinglets, it was quite obvious but what could the mum have done had the baby NOT been settling? She was on her way to a hospital appointment. I understand the anxiety but if it's that acute and OP and SIL/brother don't see eye to eye, why makes those arrangements?

In that scenario, I'd rather get to the hospital myself - husband stay home with baby - or both come with me and husband entertains baby. No need for OP to babysit. If OP is deemed a suitable choice then why fret? I know we only have OP's side of the story anyway, there's possibly more to it.

It's not that I haven't read the thread, I just don't understand the conclusion jumping and the minutiae which people read into every little thing.

Because anxiety can't always be rational.

Even so, she was NOT excessive in her volume of calls.

1. Is dd ok? Ok great.

1. No answer.

1. We're on our way back (4 hours after call 2.)

The parents after having NO response from the 2nd call could have called every 5 minutes until there was an answer. If SIL has a history of anxiety (mental health condition btw, not PITAitis) then why would you screw around with that because you have a bit power. The power is that OP had control over answering/responding to calls or texts from SIL and DB.

It is exactly his attitude that needs to be squashed with regards to helping people with ANY kind of MH issue or anxiety.

To have answered the calls would have been kind.

To lay down the rules ie no calls when agreeing to babysit would be honest.

To suddenly dictate no calls when the mother has already left is unreasonable, controlling and I suspect in this case spiteful.

If she was at a hospital appointment its possible she received bad news and needed to comfort herself by knowing her child was still ok. It would explain her not attending a bbq with you there.

How awful that you may have made a bad situation worse by being so cruel. Yabvvvu

Do you always consider somebody who might be anxious for one reason or another as 'having anxiety', Atbeckandcall? I think the two are distinct; being anxious to me is not at all the same as suffering from anxiety. I might be anxious about an event and not then anxious when it's over. I might be a 'fusser' as OP describes but still not suffering from a mental health problem.

Regardless of definition though; why did the parents ask OP to babysit at all? From OP's posts, it's clear there are some difficulties with the relationship, for whatever reason.

I don't share OP's view; I would have sent a text or two, I also wouldn't have ignored a call but then again, it depends - I routinely don't call back if somebody doesn't leave a message or text that they want me to. If they do - I will. My relationships with my family are not like OP's but I can understand how nerves can frazzle and things be blown up out of proportion.

It's all about communication and relationships and none of these as regards OP and her brother and SIL seem very good. Better if she doesn't babysit for them anymore.

OP - just went back to read the very first post - what did you mean by I hope I have better luck on AIBU today?

If this thread is representative of your usual thought processes, I'm not surprised it isn't your first rocky ride. You clearly hold your SIL in very low regard - "uppity"! - and you really are coming over very badly. I am not surprised she and your DB are upset with you.

Wow! I find it really hard to believe that you as a mother cannot understand why someone would want to check and see how their child is. Maybe this lack of empathy is what makes her reluctant to take your parenting advice. You seem very judgemental that she dosnt do exactly as you think she should and seem to feel some strange claim over her child. YANBU and I think you know that but it won't make any difference to you as your so convinced that your way is perfect that you can't possibly be wrong.