To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

[Mrssodapop]

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

The thing is, the SIL doesn't even sound particularly anxious.

Anxiety also depends on who you're leaving the child with. The SIL may well feel anxious about leaving her child with the OP, that doesn't mean she's necessarily anxious in general. I wouldn't want to leave my child with some one who clearly disagreed with my parenting (and therefore was probably going to do things I don't like), who very clearly had an issue with me (anyone else like leaving their child with people you find combatant?), and who in no way was going to respect or try to understand my feelings. Why on earth should the SIL feel good or happy about leaving the child with the OP? In some ways the OP reminds me of my MIL - she is very judgemental and tells us how we should do things, thinks only her way of doing things is right and will make comments if you deviate, told me before I even had my DD how "she'd decided" she would be having DD overnight once a month after she was born (because apparently parents get no say in such matters, it's all about what other people want), and I know looks down on me and thinks the worst of me in a myriad of ways. Everything is always down to me, it's always my problem, never her. Though MIL, lovely women that she is, has also been emotionally and physically abusive to her own children as well. No doubt she would describe me as really anxious if I ever left DD in her care (which for the record will never happen!). And actually if my kids got left with MIL I would be really anxious! That doesn't mean I'd be the same with everyone else though. As some one else has said, relationships are a two way street. If SIL is anxious about leaving her child with you then perhaps there's a reason for that.

OwlCapone... No, but then I read that kind of 'superior' thing on here all the time and don't remonstrate with the gauche posters who do it as they're generally nice.

SIL rang after half an hour. Why? I can understand a lunchtime call - just one in the day to check that all is well. If I were having a nice day out having my children babysat by their aunt, I'd probably phrase the call along the lines of checking that aunt is ok as well as the children (my nephew/niece(s)) and that they're all having a nice time.

Some parents think they are bestowing some kind of strange honour on people who agree to babysit. I don't feel that way.

I wouldn't offer to babysit even in an emergency for my brother and SIL if I were the OP, it's just not worth it. They can hire somebody and badger them with calls at their whim then.

I'm surprised at the yanbu's to be honest - you seem to make everything about you. Their newborn baby turned into a rejection of your parenting expertise and now a phonecall means they don't trust you. I really feel sorry for you sil, you sound quite hard work.

By the way, how did her appointment go - did you ask?

birdsgottafky agree your posts absolutely.

Tying to understand other people's anxieties and worries makes one a much nicer person.

"Some parents think they are bestowing some kind of strange honour on people who agree to babysit"

That may be the case but the OP offered when the DD was a baby and got huffy when it wasn't taken up. That doesn't sound like the DB and SIL think they are bestowing some kids of strange honour, more like she wanted a chance to show off her superior parenting skills and is annoyed that they don't seem to trust her (I don't actually take phone calls to check on your child as not trusting someone, rather they are a caring parent that wants to ensure that their child is ok) but the OP is taking it personally in that they don't trust her fabulous parenting (I wouldn't trust her either).

I had my nephew recently. My sister checked up a lot. First time away and all that. I didn't for a second think it was about not trusting me, she wouldn't have asked me otherwise, she just wanted to know her child was ok. I even got an apology for the amount she checked. I said it was fine and I didn't mind. But then I am not a wanker trying to prove a point.

Crapbag... how can OP 'show off'? Where was her audience? That's right - they weren't there, they were out.

I took my niece out recently; arrived when I said I would, told my SIL where we were going, approximate ETA of when I'd drop niece home. I texted her at lunchtime to say we were having a nice lunch. The purpose of the text was just 'checking in' even though SIL didn't ask me to. We had a lovely day, everybody happy.

If however, SIL had clung onto niece, rang me half an hour into the car journey to see how things were going and interrupted us three more times, that would have been the limit as far as I was concerned.

OP isn't a 'wanker'; her 'superior' post grated yes, and was ill-advised but don't be so rude.

I think crapbag's last sentence is very apt, sums up the thread perfectly.

She doesn't trust you because you're not trustworthy. You had no idea what that second call was about - it could have been to say that your brother had an accident and she needed you to bring the kid to a hospital. You build trust with people, you just don't get it automatically awarded because you had kids early and are brimming with unsolicited advice.

I was defending the OP last night but her recent posts aren't putting her in a very good light.

From the OP; it's not the first time of babysitting.

If parents deign to leave a child with somebody that they do not trust well... doesn't say much for them as parents, does it?

OP is a relative, not a member of staff. There is already a relationship between brother, SIL and herself.

I can see how I'm not coming across very well but if you knew my sil you'd understand. She is immature, anxious and takes offence at advice, she thinks she knows best about everything but she lacks experience. I am older than her and had kids earlier and just think I am in a good position to sort of guide her a bit. Perhaps she doesn't want that though, this is what this shown me, the responses to my posts.

Every child requires a different approach. You know best for your children not hers. She lives with her child, I think she might just be the expert on her DD.

But if you truly feel that way, I'm sure you took all the advice dictated by DM and MIL (except we know you didn't).

I really do feel sorry for your SIL, and quite frankly, I'm shocked you were allowed to watch her kids in the first place. You sound like hard work.

Don't want her to call? Fine. Don't want to watch her kids? Fine, you're not obligated. It doesn't make you look very good though.

The sentence you bolded amuses me since the OP was actually giving out inaccurate advice to her SIL in the only example that she has given.

No wonder the woman didn't take her advice the OP isn't quite as knowledgeable as she thinks she is. I am so glad I don't know people like this in RL. I must be very lucky.

People are saying that the SIL has used the OP for babysitting before, do we know that it's through choice? She might have been a last resort because of the nature of the day away from her child. The SIL might actually have dreaded leaving her child with her because of the history between them!
OP YABU. Very, very U indeed. Presumably she wasn't at the hospital because she liked the food, it was a health problem that has caused initial worry, coupled with leaving the baby with someone who clearly disapproves of her parenting. Would it have killed you to be sympathetic and pick up the bloody phone?
Don't get into a power struggle with her over HER child. You will lose.

YABsoooU. It's nothing to do with trust, of course she trusts you otherwise she wouldn't leave them with you.
The fact she is so so anxious and STILL leaves them with you shows she genuinely does trust.
You were being massively horrible ignoring the phone call. It's not 'checking up on you' it's just wanting to know if they're enjoying themselves and reassuring her everything's OK.
OK, you might not have wanted to answer the phone I bloody hate the things but would it really have killed you to send her a quick text instead saying "everything fine, at the park eating ice cream" or whatever it was you were doing? Just to put her mind at her rest?

Lying - have you actually read all of the OP's posts, or just the first one?

I agree Ploppy or it could in fact be the OPs brother who talking the SIL round. You just never know.

Yes, RiverTam, I have. Is there something you think I've missed?

I think she's one of the few posters that hasn't had her posts deleted.

Very true easy, either way it doesn't sound like a willing agreement!
Just to say, I'm older and a more experienced parent than one of my SIL's and a fully qualified nursery nurse as well. We also have had a few issues between is in the past and disagree on some of our parenting choices. I still managed to refrain from giving out unsolicited 'advice' quite easily. The trick is to keep your mouth shut..

I'm wondering why some posters think the SIL is the one being controlling, when we have no insight into her motives, yet we have an admission of it from the OP! Not to mention the fact that 'ill feeling' was caused because the SIL didn't want to leave her baby with the OP when she was 'really little.' Why on earth would that cause conflict? It doesn't suggest the OP is a reasonable person.

Aren't you going to miss your niece if she isn't round your house as often? Isn't it worth trying to sort the situation out between the adults for her? Please give it another go and let go of the past. Compromise a bit more and then maybe eventually they will too.

RiverTam... I've never said that the SIL is being unreasonable - or OP's brother either. I just said that OP wasn't being unreasonable.

I didn't miss the fact that SIL was anxious; that is understandable to me. I would be quite comforted (if I were SIL/brother) that I had a family member to fall back on to babysit (who had babysat before).

I said in a previous post that the 'superiority' wasn't necessary. Your ad-libbing is a bit of a sneery stretch though.

How on earth can you determine, from a post, that somebody is emotionless and devoid of humanity? Do you usually exaggerate for effect? Take bare statements and turn them into 'facts'?

On the deleted post thing, I have no idea what you said - or what the other deleted posters said either. You obviously broke guidelines though, not something to boast about. I keep quiet when I've been deleted because it's embarrassing to be called out on it.

Still, takes all sorts eh?

My DP calls me twice a day. Once on his lunch and once when hes finished work to come home. He sometimes talks to DS to check how his day is going etc.

OBVIOUSLY he doesn't trust me. OBVIOUSLY he is overanxious. And calling TWICE?! Whats that about? Why would he want to talk to his own son... clearly a weirdo.

My dh texts too, asking after dt's.

Bastard

He texts??? He actually picks up his phone and texts. OMG. Thats just too much hassle in one day. LTB.