To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

[Mrssodapop]

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

...this time I was ready for lots of calls because it was a long day away from her child, she was at a hospital appointment in another city with lots of traveling."

I can't believe others haven't commented on this gem from OP.
So your SIL DID have an emergency - she had a hospital appointment quite far away - and you made her already difficult day oh so much easier by having her worry about her child too.

she was at a hospital appointment in another city with lots of traveling

not sure why it didn't bold the first time, but worth repeating as my mouth is still hanging open.

My mum, is older than me, had kids earlier than me and might well have been in a good position to offer advice and 'guide' me. However, she has stood back, praised the way I parent, constantly offered support without any degree of judgement and never criticized the way I have chosen to raise my son. As a result, I often ask her opinion and advice and we are closer than ever. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned in there...

Op, YABU.

Had you said to SIL, "I will babysit, but I don't want you to phone at all." Then you would at the very least have allowed SIL to make an informed decision and find alternative care.

As it is, you told her not to phone again, whilst she was on the way to a hospital appointment, with no alternative. That's appalling.

All of you saying "free childcare, childcarer's rules" seem to be missing the fact that this "rule" was added at such a late stage.

Op, I had dcs long before my dsis, she asked me no advice at all. That was her prerogative. You are angry that she didn't want you to babysit a tiny baby (I wouldn't have wanted that either), you criticise SIL for not seeking your Wisdom (did your brother seek it?), and you are horribly negative about SIL.

Had it been anything but a hospital appointment, I imagine they would have come back for their dc once you had changed the rules (since previously she has phoned).

You lack empathy. You feel you should be at the centre of their parenting, this is very odd and quite disquieting.

I doubt they will want you to babysit again, so that's that issue sorted.

Why on earth you couldn't have found a couple of seconds in the day to text "all fine here", I will never understand.

I think Hecate's said everything I want to say, but far better than I ever could

My mum looks after my DN once a week for DB and DSIL. They trust her implicitly. DM takes photos of DN through the day and sends the best to DSIL, and texts or emails an update once a day if he's healthy, more if under the weather. It's nothing to do with anxiety, more to do with loving and missing her child. DM thinks it's all perfectly normal, not a sign that she isn't trusted.

Your SIL is different to you. That's ok. It's not a slight on you or your parenting, please don't take it personally. A little bit of kindness and empathy goes a long way.

I would find it intensely irritating if my sil (or anyone else for that matter) considered my child as "one of theirs". It's not your child op, it is their child. You may have meant well with your unwanted advice but once you sensed it was unwanted you should've backed off. You sound incredibly condescending when you describe how you were going to "guide" her. That said, if sil felt this way she should never let you babysit for so long.

You've been incredibly unkind. You should apologise, sooner rather than later.

This isn't about trust.

I (we, family/friends) support two relatives who have anxiety issues. As I have been practically supported through serious illness by them.

Perhaps we live in a alternative universe, but I thought that's what families did, they supported each other through their difficulties.

But I guess not, that's why statutory/charity services exist.

I feel for anyone with Anxiety or MH issues, especially as a parent, with no family support, which this family doesn't have.

I would of happily done what the SIL wanted, for a neighbour, society, let alone our family works much better for all of us, that way.

If the SIL had of posted honestly about her issues, I doubt one person would say that she was BU.

I always ignored any unasked for advice.

It invariably came from people who were making a mess of parenting and/or had badly behaved children.

When I wanted advice I asked for it from parents I respected.

The more you post the more I can't understand why they are upset you won't babysit for them.

You might want to have a good hard look at yourself.

Just to add, OP, commend your Brother on standing up to the arsehole behaviour of his family, for the benefit of his family unit/Wife.

One more thing. You are annoyed that she rejected your childcare "advice" and yet you seem quite angry when they pointed out you let her paint without an overall on.

Double standards.

Plus i suspect that the painting was another of your power trips. I notice you haven't confirmed whether the paint was washable or not.

unasked for advice is rarely well received

I'm going to have that embroidered on my luggage and hope my MIL takes note next time we stay with her.

OP you certainly need to work on your attitude. I had three kids in my early to mid twenties and before many of my friends but I would never push my advice on a new parent. Not only because I'd hate to make them feel they couldn't work it out themselves but also because parenting is a pretty unique experience and what works for me and my kids doesn't always work for others. Saying you are around to offer ideas when needed and pushing your methods on others because 'you know best' are two very different things. All you will do is push everyone away with your behaviour, well intentioned or not.
And punishing a mum just learning to leave her first baby for being worried is just awful, what harm would reassuring her have done? She missed her baby and wanted to stay in touch, it was hardly the worst crime in the world. Try and think of other feelings rather than just yours sometimes and people may behave differently around you.

The thing is, the SIL doesn't even sound particularly anxious.

I'm the least anxious person. I've been lucky enough to really enjoy the baby period. And if anyone (but especially a rather resentful, jealous, judgemental SIL who was clearly just itching for the chance to bustle in and show me how UK care for my own baby) wanted me to leave my baby with her when small, I'd have refused. I didn't leave mine with anyone when tiny - that's just the way I wanted it.

And the calling. I'd certainly call, and do, as do all the parents of the children (family and nursery mates) that I've babysat for. It's normal to check in, as much a 'how you doing, hope all's ok' for the benefit of the babysitter as much as the child. IT'S NORMAL.

Your posts OP make it clear that you're the kind of parent who is quite happy to have a tiny baby babysat by others as 'it's good for them'- lots and lots of mothers would really disagree (esp if breast feeding). Neither way is right - the only right thing is to remember that everyone does it differently and everyone parents their own way. The biggest sign of an overly 'anxious', insecure parent is one who starts squealing and judging and huffing when someone does it differently to them - they feel their choices are bring criticised.

This is you. You don't like your SIL. A part of you feels anxious and annoyed that your brother chose someone so different to you, and now they are parents, a different style of parenting has arrived in the family and YOU feel judged. That's really the issue. It's why you so studiously don't mention your brother in this - you want this to be all about SIL, you want to see her as the problem, the interloper, the one not doing it as We Do In Our Family. Ooooh, she's soooooo anxious! Silly cow!

Get this: the choices they make are as much your brother as they are her. Your brother parents differently in HIS family. You will have pissed him off as much as her. Carry on the way you are, and you'll soon see where the family boundaries lie: their family will distance themselves from yours, and this child you so patronisingly 'see almost as one of yours' will grow up hardly knowing you.

And as for trying to 'teach her a lesson that she can trust you', err, by not returning a call and being out of touch when caring for THEIR child - Jesus, that would be IT for any question of trusting you in the future! No, you aren't trustworthy. You're pushy, judgy and feel you know better about their child's care than them. I wouldn't trust you to care for my child, because the main thing is that I feel HAPPY that my child is with someone who respects my parenting. So while I'm sure they're upset about the situation, I'm also sure that there's beena conversation along the lines of - that's it, she's not having her again.

Also. Has it occurred to you that your brother and his wife very likely might not be huge fans of the way YOU parent? To you, it's a case of 'her' (of course) being 'wrong' as they're different to you. To them, it's just as likely that they think you a bit careless or hands off. But, as they're NORMAL, they wouldn't say that. You simply don't comment on other peoples parenting styles - it's very bad form!

(standing ovation for Bruno)

So you came along when she had her DD, because you are so much older and wiser and been there done that, you felt that you should give unwanted and unasked for advice.

Sounds like you stuck your oar in when it wasn't wanted and you got the hump about her not bowing down to your parenting greatness and lapping up every suggestion you gave her. She didn't want to leave her young baby, that's fair enough, many mothers don't. You clearly had the hump about that too from the tone of your post. Why should she leave her baby with you? She probably didn't want to because you wouldn't have listened to any instructions from her about HER baby, because you have made it clear you know better.

My sister has recently had her first. I am older and have 2 children. I haven't given her any advice unless she has asked for it or if it was a general conversation about how I do things. I don't necessarily agree with everything she may do, but she is the parent of that baby, not me and its completely up to her and I respect that. You clearly have no respect of your SIL and her parenting.

I notice you are not mentioning your brother in this. He was angry with you too and told you but you are putting the blame solely with SIL. Why?

I'm on team sil.

I think from your op I felt there must be some underlining issues not just the phone calls and from your further posts it looks like that's the case. I think possibly if a best friend did exactly the same thing as your sil did you wouldn't bat an eye lid but it's the issues you have with her that make her actions so annoying to you.

If my dcs were with someone I would want to check on them to make sure all is okay and as a babysitter I find it completely normal for mums to call to check on their children. Especially when it's the first few times.

I don't think you should have been offended at sil not wanting to take your advice or leave her young baby with you. As a parent I've been through all the baby stage etc but don't try and tell new mums I know what to do but I'm there with advice if they ask.

I can see how I'm not coming across very well but if you knew my sil you'd understand. She is immature, anxious and takes offence at advice, she thinks she knows best about everything but she lacks experience. I am older than her and had kids earlier and just think I am in a good position to sort of guide her a bit. Perhaps she doesn't want that though, this is what this shown me, the responses to my posts

Um. I'm older than you. My children are probably your age or older. Would you like me to guide you?

No? Didn't think so. Although I'll try.

When I look after my DGC I have no problem if their mothers want to ring and see how everything is going, it's a perfectly normal thing to do. Obviously, as a grandparent I like to stick my oar in give advice from time to time, which is either taken on board or ignored. I do not take the huff over it.

I don't think you like her at all and it really shows. I don't think you should babysit any more, but I do think you need to build bridges for the sake of the wider family.

I do hope the OP has sons because her future daughter in laws are going to love her.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all, OP. This is your NIECE and you have your own children for experience. Babysitting is a favour and presumably both parents know you well and trust you. If they are so finicky and unhappy at the thought of leaving their child that they need to ring in then they shouldn't leave their child.

You're not a childminder who is paid for a service, you're a relative. I find it astonishing that people who are happy enough to leave their child with a relative can't seemingly cope without checking in. It's about 'control', you're not on 'staff'.

Don't babysit for them again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe do you agree with the part where the OP claims she is far superior to her SIL in terms of parenting?

You sound unpleasant and controlling. If you purposely did not pick up the phone while you were looking after my child then I would never ask you again and would limit time spent with you.

I'd suggest talking to her about it when you're not looking after her child.

I found that when I used to ring DS's babysitter, it would excite him and have a negative effect on his behaviour and so I text instead and the babysitter knows that they can contact me if necessary.

A good compromise would be to have check-in times when you phone her at 10 and 2 (as examples) to let her know everything is okay and let her say hello to her child, who she is obviously missing a lot.

You could suggest Skype or Facetime for these as she's obviously keen to know her child is OK.

We all parent differently.