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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

508 replies

Mrssodapop · 19/05/2014 19:48

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today Wink I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 07:53

Oh, first time mothers usually do lack experience, the clue being FIRST TIME mothers.

Doesn't mean you need someone sticking their oar in with "advice".

Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 07:55

Sorry lots of posts.

Anyone else thinking that's the OP would be bellyaching if the SIL hadn't called all day?

"I've had dn all day and SIL hasn't even called to check if we're ok?"

Icimoi · 20/05/2014 07:56

I do wonder how all these neurotic phoners would have managed in the days before mobile phones. When my children were little, you left the babysitter with the number of the place where you were going, you went out, you enjoyed yourself on the basis that you trusted the babysitter to contact you if there was a problem, you went back home. If you had reason to worry about the child, you didn't go out. You couldn't keep phoning to check up on the children because it just wasn't practicable, and, you know what, we all coped.

Is the reality that this is a product of having really too much available by way of means of communication?

BiscuitCrumb · 20/05/2014 07:56

he is immature, anxious and takes offence at advice, she thinks she knows best about everything but she lacks experience. I am older than her and had kids earlier and just think I am in a good position to sort of guide her a bit.

With every post you sound worse. This one in particular takes the biscuit.

You need to learn only to give advice when someone asked about. Being older and having kids earlier does not make you the font if all knowledge with regard to childcare.

She is anxious. She is the mother. She is allowed to phone the carer of her child if she wants. Ignoring her because it will do her good is rude and unacceptable.

If I was you Brother or SIL I wouldn't want to use you as a babysitter in the future for emergencies or any other occasion.

Take a good long hard look at yourself and read your posts. You may then be able to learn from this and stop being so spiteful and nasty.

EasyTigeress · 20/05/2014 07:57

Why would she take (unwanted) advice from a woman who shows a great lack of empathy and understanding. You're personality sounds cold and heartless so you would be the last person I took advice from. You are interfering and you sound immature and desperate for recognition/attention.

Wanting to take her child away before she was ready is also very odd. If you were my SIL I suspect I wouldn't have been as polite as yours.

And just for the record, with a jaundice baby you are advised to expose them to indirect sunlight at home. So unless your SIL was living in a cave she would have been doing that and your advice was actually wrong. Shock! No wonder she doesn't listen to you. You had no clue about what you were advising.

BiscuitCrumb · 20/05/2014 07:57

Bloody typos. My only excuse is I'm on a train.

thebodylovesspring · 20/05/2014 07:57

she thinks she knows best about everything

She does know what's best for her child of course she does. Far better than you do op as it's her child.

Think back to how you felt with your pfb? Of course you probably have lots of good advice/experience.

My youngest is 14 now and I had 4. My neice is 19 and I has a small baby and I babysit but I wouldn't dream of offering unsolicited advice or belittling her feelings.

She's the mum. She's the boss. She knows far more about her baby than me.

Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 07:57

Ici there were phone boxes. Or carrier pigeons.

gratefulforwhatihavegot · 20/05/2014 08:00

YABU. And mean. And know it all. even if you do know everything sometimes people have got to learn themselves and if they aren't asking for your advice then ramming to down her throat constantly probably didn't endear you.

I wouldn't take advice from someone who didn't think a phone call every now and then was reaonable. You come across as really nasty.

Even if she rang every half an hour, surely you can accept that's for her peace of mind not to check up on you!

thebodylovesspring · 20/05/2014 08:01

ici may be one of those neurotic mothers and I am 50 so quite well remember the days before mobiles too.

Err we did have those things called land lines though.

How old are you? Grin

OwlCapone · 20/05/2014 08:01

...but if you knew my sil you'd understand. She is immature, anxious and takes offence at advice, she thinks she knows best about everything but she lacks experience. I am older than her and had kids earlier and just think I am in a good position to sort of guide her a bit.

Shock

You sound overbearing, judgemental and arrogant. It is laughable that you accuse her of thinking she knows everything.

You don't even know to put a child in overalls, or at least in old clothes, before they paint.

HecatePropylaea · 20/05/2014 08:01

unasked for advice is rarely well received.

People who want advice, generally ask for it.

If you take it upon yourself to give advice, feel that it should be listened to and obeyed and are offended when that isn't the case, then sorry, but what you are describing is interference, not advice.

Just because you have older children does not mean you are a good parent. It simply means you reproduced before she did. You may be the best mother in the world doing everything right and according to what we currently believe are the best things or you may be advising her to wean at 4 weeks or put brandy in the bottle or god knows what. I just mean that having older children does not mean you yourself are getting it right anyway! It just means you did it first. It doesn't mean that you have the right to be obeyed because you have some sort of parental seniority.

And you just can't see your way to giving over even a tiny bit of yourself to compassion or understanding for her anxieties, can you? It would really help both her and you if you could do that.

After all, you want that from her, and from us. To see your pov. To acknowledge your feelings. To understand where you are coming from. Why can't you do that for her?

HayDayQueen · 20/05/2014 08:04

I am older than her and had kids earlier and just think I am in a good position to sort of guide her a bit. Perhaps she doesn't want that though

If my own sister had been like this, I would have wanted to take her 'guidance' and shove it down her throat.

Have a read of some of the MIL threads on here, YOU are coming across way worse than those MILs.

YOU had kids earlier, so you know everything. Well you know what? You learned, probably the hard way. Your SIL is quite capable of learning that way too.

You offered her your second hand clothes. She turned them down. So what? When you have your first child the excitement of it means that MANY parents don't want second hand. They want to CHOOSE everything, make it absolutely perfect.

You wanted to look after your DC when it was very little and she turned you down. Well maybe SHE didn't want be separated from her child. Hardly the first, nor the last mother to ever be like that.

Get over yourself!!!! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!

This is about her, and how she is managing being a mother. She is allowed to do it HER way without it being a rejection of you.

Pleasejustgo · 20/05/2014 08:14

Oh OP your pomposity is killing me Grin

We revolve on an axis btw and I'm guessing your SIL is terrified if you.

Take a step back and think how you would receive smug advice and a know it all attitude from SIL.

I'm still in awe of your don't give a fuck attitude though, pretty impressive I must say.

MammaTJ · 20/05/2014 08:14

Why should she accept your unasked for advice?

Why shouldn't she ring you to check on her child? TWICE!! THAT IS ALL!

I would consider it rude if I was looking after someones child all day and they didn't ring to check they had settled and then half way through the day.

EasyTigeress · 20/05/2014 08:15

OP are you taking the piss or embellishing? I struggle to believe someone can not see from all these posts that they were in the wrong

basgetti · 20/05/2014 08:17

How old was the baby when you got stroppy about SIL not leaving her with you?

FunnyFoot · 20/05/2014 08:24

Quack.

PicaK · 20/05/2014 08:24

So the poor woman wasn't out on a nice jolly - it was an all day trip for a hospital appt. Which is miserable and possibly frightening.

And you sit there teaching her a lesson?!!!

She did trust you. She left her child with you.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 20/05/2014 08:28

Think SIL has had a luck escape!

RiverTam · 20/05/2014 08:29

every single post the OP makes just rams home the fact that she is totally unfeeling, lacking in empathy and unbelievably arrogant - she can't see what her own behaviour is, just focusses negatively on her SIL's. The fact that the OP keeps posting this stuff just shows how utterly un-self-aware she is.

Gosh, I'd rather have an anxious SIL than a heartless one.

thebodylovesspring · 20/05/2014 08:29

I forsee future mil/dil/dm wars here.

wheresthelight · 20/05/2014 08:35

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adsy · 20/05/2014 08:37

Im aCM. If a parent wants to phone every hour thats fine. Takes a minute to say hes fine. In fact I text a few times a day with a picture for anxious parents just to reassire them till their confidence improves.
Its called being nice

mimishimmi · 20/05/2014 08:38

Oh dear. You've made it a lot worse with that latest post OP. All doubts I might have had have now been removed ......YWBVU. You sound like a bossy know-all who likes to make snide digs at her inexperience and resents her for not respecting your prior mothering experience more.

It didn't sound like she was too keen to take you up on the babysitting either and I don't suppose you'll be asked again in future.

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