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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

508 replies

Mrssodapop · 19/05/2014 19:48

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today Wink I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/05/2014 00:24

I don't mind at all when people call to check on any DCs that I have.

I do the same. Seems pretty normal behavior to me.

Anyone ignoring my calls when they have my DCs to 'teach me a lesson' would never have to worry about being in that situation again.

I would be polite at family gatherings but wouldn't spend a whole lot of energy on a relationship with that person.

Morloth · 20/05/2014 00:27

DH and I chat most lunch times, sometimes a call, usually a text. Mostly about the kids.

Not every call is a long formal conversation, just a quick 'How's it going?'.

HicDraconis · 20/05/2014 00:36

Dazoo - she didn't say it specifically but she did imply it:

This will sound dreadful but I suppose I could have called her back but a part of me thought it would be good for her to just trust me

I think it's possibly that which got so many backs up.

I also wouldn't find it in the least annoying if I was looking after nieces and nephews with my own boys and their parents called to check they were ok. Although I'd pre-empt the calls with updates anyway, unless DB / SiL were somewhere they weren't allowed phones.

slithytove · 20/05/2014 00:37

They can't pretend they are painting Dazoo, SIL will freak out that clothes are being ruined again Grin

OP will need a list of sanctioned activities before locking the kids in her he basement

slithytove · 20/05/2014 00:39

Gosh, what an awful thought, wanting to be trusted.

SIL is a dimwit if she has left precious DC with someone she doesn't trust.

HicDraconis · 20/05/2014 01:04

It's not about trust, or lack of it. It's about wanting to know your DC are ok. I text DH asking for updates all the time because I love my children and I'm interested in what they're up to. I trust DH more than me!

Out of sight isn't out of mind.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/05/2014 01:09

You're not being unreasonable, OP.
This was a relative providing free childcare (at the request of SIL) she felt the need to constantly check? I'd be pretty miffed too, TBH. Especially if you're trying to have a nice time with painting and playing and stuff, to be regularly interrupted.

Msg to paranoid parents - If you're that anxious, then don't leave your child with anyone until they're 18. Look after them yourselves. Simple really.

mimishimmi · 20/05/2014 01:09

RedSpringer :Your ex calls 2-3 times every day and you don't think he's checking up on you? That would drive me nuts, particularly if he left the relationship. I could probably deal with a Skype call once a day (for kids only) unless the children were older and he could skype/call their own phones.

Morloth · 20/05/2014 01:14

I leave my kids with trusted people all the time and I have extra kids all the time.

A bit of communication makes everyone feel happier and costs nothing. I can't think of any good reason not to.

One of the joys of the modern world is the ease of communication.

musicalendorphins2 · 20/05/2014 01:17

You are completely unreasonable. You are making it about you, when it was just a mother checking her kid was happy, for her own peace.
I'd never let someone babysit with that attitude, how could I possibly trust you? They say when looking for childcare, anyone who doesn't have an open door policy should be avoided.

sykadelic · 20/05/2014 01:26

It seems like a lot of posters have missed that this is NOT the first time the OP has babysat, and nor is it the only time SIL has called multiple times. Yes in this instance it was only 3 but still...

OP - YANBU because the calls do say she doesn't trust you, and YABU because I wouldn't have said it while the child was still in my care, I would have done it before or after.

I personally wouldn't have babysat the child without first saying "I can do it, but I need you to only call if there's an emergency. It really messes with my routine to be running to the phone. I need you to trust me."

I see absolutely no point in constant checking up. I'd leave with a "text or call if there's a problem, otherwise I'll call you when I'm on the way home. Thanks again!".

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/05/2014 01:26

They say when looking for childcare, anyone who doesn't have an open door policy should be avoided

"They" may say that about paid childcare. This was babysitting at SiL's specific request (if I understand correctly). If I were in OP's position in this particular situation, I would welcome being avoided. I would not be happy with being asked to do something for free and then having terms dictated and being made to feel that I was the one receiving the favour? No, no, no. Absolutely not.

NoodleOodle · 20/05/2014 02:21

Yabu

People have different levels of anxiety. Imagine for some reason you needed a babysitter for four days and your level of anxiety meant that you would like to check in with a phone call every 24 hours. Then imagine the person you had entrusted your precious children with took umbrage at that, thought you were an over anxious parent and purposely wouldn't answer the phone until two days had passed- wouldn't that upset you? Well, that's what you did to your sil! Cruel.

Morloth · 20/05/2014 02:24

Shrug. It is swings and roundabouts for the people I babysit for and who babysit for me.

Someone treating me the way the OP has treated her SIL would simply be removed from my 'circuit'.

I do think they are being unreasonable about the clothes and being upset. I wouldn't bother.

Bogeyface · 20/05/2014 02:28

YABU.

Everything else has been said by others.

FixItUpChappie · 20/05/2014 02:58

You were massively rude, OTT and unreasonable. How tasking is it really to pick up for 1 minute?!.....it's not about you. Then to strain your relationship with them by insulting your brothers wife....really mature Hmm. Is this how you resolve all minor conflicts in your life?

You sound like a treat

SpeedwellBlue · 20/05/2014 06:04

Yabu. You could have sent a quick text to reassure her if you couldn't get to the phone when she called. I feel sorry for your sil. You are being really horrible about her and horrible to her by the sound of it. You've called her highly strung and I think she is very restrained to not tell you what she thinks of you. Probably because she has manners. I'm hoping she comes across this thread and is reassured it's not her in the wrong!

Original poster
Mrssodapop · 20/05/2014 06:05

I suppose SIL and I have never really seen eye to eye but have made an effort for my brother. When they had their baby she didn't want advice from me even though I had kids already. Like I thought her baby had jaundice and suggested a few times she take baby out in the sun more but she ignored me and she used to dress baby in too many clothes but I bit my tongue. I had offered to babysit for her when her baby was really little but she didn't take me up on it because she thought her baby would want her if she woke up and wasn't prepared to try it with me, I suppose that created a bit of bad feeling. She has phoned before when I babysat and I found it irritating then too, but this time I was ready for lots of calls because it was a long day away from her child, she was at a hospital appointment in another city with lots of traveling. I just think she's a fusser and I have tried to help her out, give advice, give my kids clothes but she just rejects me, well at least that's how I feel. Oh well I won't be babysitting for them again, unless like I said it's an emergency.

OP posts:
misshoohaa · 20/05/2014 06:09

YABU - if the women wants to check on her kids you should oblige, it's not unreasonable to want to check in to see if they are OK, happy, having fun etc.

puntasticusername · 20/05/2014 06:27

Oh gods, OP, sorry but if I were you I'd just stop talking now, this isn't getting any better!

Littlefish · 20/05/2014 06:38

So actually, this is all about the fact that you don't like her because she didn't want to take your uncalled for advice when her child was younger and you have continued to hold a grudge for the last 3 years.

You sound extremely lacking in empathy and your behaviour was unkind and unwarranted. I think it's a very good idea that you don't look after their child again as you seem to be using the child to try and even a score.

hoppingmad · 20/05/2014 06:38

So sil does everything wrong, doesn't take your unsolicited advice and if she doesn't do things your way you throw a strop? Controlling much?

HecatePropylaea · 20/05/2014 06:40

And that's fine. That's your choice. There's no reason you have to do them any favours.

But if you could find it in your heart to have a tiny bit of understanding and compassion for someone who is, reading your own words, a very anxious person, (unless you have misrepresented her of course and she is not anxious, but I am just going on your posts) that would be good. Not only for them but for you. You might stop seeing another person's anxieties as a criticism of you and you might stop being irritated by them and thinking of how you feel and what it means for you and what has been done to you and how you have been rejected.

As well as thinking about all the ways in which you are affected, (and I do get what you are saying. You are a person with feelings too and feelings aren't always logical. We can all get upset about the actions of others, even when those actions aren't actually about us) try to also put yourself in the shoes of someone who suffers from anxiety.

It isn't nice for them. I am sure your sister in law doesn't get up in the morning and go yay, another glorious day to feel rotten. Lucky, lucky me.

Your mistake is feeling that her anxiety and her wanting to make her own choices, even if you feel that you have the answers, is an attack upon you. It really isn't. It's really not about you at all. It's about her and how she's feeling.

Delphiniumsblue · 20/05/2014 06:42

It all sounds a lot if fuss about nothing! If you have an over anxious mother you just humour them, if it costs no more than picking up a phone.

Atbeckandcall · 20/05/2014 06:48

Good grief OP! Put. The. Shovel. Down.

Of course she didn't want your advice, unless it was asked for. Makes it sound like YOU don't trust HER judgement as the MOTHER OF HER OWN BABY!

So you pulling her up on things when she has a freshly laid little baby is going to warm her to you, jeez!

I think you have blurred boundaries with your dn, you got your knickers in a twist because YOU wanted the baby overnight and your SIL have the audacity to say no in case the baby wanted her in the night. Maybe the baby was a bad sleeper? Maybe she didn't want you to have to suffer a bad night because of it? Maybe she didn't want to deal with an unnecessarily over tired baby the next day when it could have been avoided? Seeing as she is the MOTHER she knew her baby best and knew how to comfort the baby, and didn't want them in any unnecessary distress just for YOUR sake?!

I really hope this thread is a wind up, it's making me quite cross.

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