to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

[nincompoopascoop]

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

Bubbley you keep saying 'one line' 'one line'

That's bollocks obviously isnt it?

If OP had come and said "i am annoyed with Dh, we have fought for DSS for 3 months and he's finally coming this weekend but DH has volunteered to go away on a work trip that might over run into the weekend "
Then she would have people asking wether his boss had applied pressure or whether there was a promotion coming up or whether it was a project he was part of and more than likely given him the benefit of the doubt whislt also saying he needed to be clear to his colleagues that he would be leaving at X time on friday because his son was more inportant.

However, OP came on with a long list of his behaviours that all point towards this man just not prioritising his family at all. It would be a bit bloody stupid to say that his behaviour proved it on all those other issues but not on the Son issue as that was a separate thing. It's all the same- this is who this guy is and ALL these behaviour together show it. The son issue is not an isolated incident. that is how we are all able to draw the conclusion that his son is not a priority to him.

Its not one line at all.

And as for 'he may not have thought about it' (missing his son) when he volunteered to work, the man had a cover story concocted in his head designed to save his ass from the wrath of the court. He placed himself as a victim of the evil boss. Him a victim?? That sticks in the fucking throat when you consider an 8 year old boy being told "no sorry son, dad cant see you this weekend"

OP, the male equivalent of 'freeloading fanny' isn't 'workaholic Willy', it's 'cocklodger'.

I think this thread is quite likely to discourage people from posting anything about their relationship at the risk of having it torn apart and having to defend themselves.

If the altnernative to honest albeit blunt appraisals of a situation is your special brand of denial and minimisation, then I will take that risk.

Because colluding with people that they can safely ignore pretty shitty behaviour without first getting a 20 page signed statement from their partner setting out exactly what he did or didn't do is not my idea of being helpful or constructive.

It's catch 22 - people are being blunt and telling OP to leave DP, and it's having the classic effect of defending him and pushing herself closer to her DP.

I think OP needs to go back to her initial concerns which are reasonable and forget the nonsense assumptions of cocaine, OW and homosexual activity with work colleague.

Having said that, when he is out there is areal chance of flirting and maybe even kissing or more with other women.

Also, I don't understand why he can't put your children to bed, can you two not do it together?

Id also not be happy about this friend making disparaging remarks about me.

The issue with the step son is sad but it's up to him and his ex to sort that out. But I do agree that this is how he will behave with you and your kids if you were to split up.

I think the OPs partner quote likes living these two seperate lives, one if a single man and one of a family man. Having his cake and eating it. It's up to the OP if she wishes to facilitate this or put a stop to it. It's doing her no favours and pushing his step son out of the picture.