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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

455 replies

nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 22:42

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

OP posts:
Back2Two · 21/05/2014 20:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 20:18

He isn't going on the trip now.

cerealqueen · 21/05/2014 20:29

I'be been reading this thread with interest. I have never seen an OP move so swiftly to a defensive position. I am guessing being 5 months pregnant with 3 other children hardens the heart and mind and the OP has to grasp onto whatever sheds of decency her DH can offer.

OP, what do you want from this discussion now? Do you still stand by your original message? If not, we'll all go and be supportive elsewhere.

merrymouse · 21/05/2014 21:04

I hope his change of decision about the trip was along the lines of "oh my god! I can't believe I suggested something might interfere with seeing my son - this is clear evidence that my brain was momentarily taken over by aliens!!!", not "meh, ok I won't go then if you're going to be like that".

YouTheCat · 21/05/2014 21:08

Bumbley, he's not going on the trip but he's still off out drinking on Friday. Will he even be in a fit state to see his ds the next day?

And the very fact that he's had to have his responsibilities spelled out for him does not make him look like the doting father at all.

wheresthebeach · 21/05/2014 21:09

I'm still waiting for my question to be answered.

Did twatmate decide not to go; and your DH then decided not to go. Or did DH decide not to go (and why?) and then did twatmate decide not to go.

And with all this volunteering and cancelling what on earth does the boss think?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/05/2014 21:17

I think OP said that incidentally twatmate is not going too.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 21:24

I think she said that there were talks about a few drinks on Friday night - not that he was definitely going.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/05/2014 21:45

She originally said "his only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with the court not that it meant he might not see his son for several more months."

What a prince he is.

MistressDeeCee · 21/05/2014 22:01

It must be very hard for OP. She is married, has children, is expecting another child. It appears to me her world's fallen apart and she is in denial; its a shock when you feel your life & future is pretty much mapped out, and then slowly but surely the rug is pulled from under you and you realise actually, no - you're in a shit situation and you'e got all the heartbreak and uncertainty and confusion and grief that goes with that. Not to mention having to think about having to create a new life and future for yourself. OPs husband is so very wrong. That ugly type of man who forgot that he is supposed to be a lover a well as a friend, to his lifepartner.

You will come to realisation in your own time, OP. & I wish you very good luck in rebuilding, when you do. When the like, love and respect of your lifepartner has gone from you - and you realise that fully - then you will need comfort, care, advice. I hope you have that in real life. Alongside the ladies of MN who mostly don't mean any harm or maliciousness...as straight-talking as it can be here, at times. Most of us are women. You don't know who has had what cross to bear in their life. I can understand why you are defensive. But fwiw MN is a good place and space to be yourself. & we all need that at times. Better hardhitting MN advice than a partner who doesn't have your back in this life.

Good luck.

Great post Back2Two

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:05

Or perhaps, after OP has spoken to him and told him that she's not happy with all the nights out and the amount of time that he is spending with this friend, he will realise that he's being unreasonable, apologise and things will settle down. Rough patches don't always mean doom and gloom and the end of a relationship.

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:09

Of course not.

Rough patches are part of life. You don't jack in a fundamentally good relationship after one bad day, one bad week or even one bad year.

But note I say 'fundamentally good'.

The real distinction is knowing if you are just going through a bad patch with a partner who fundamentally is decent and kind and got your back.

Or whether you have had the deep, deep misfortune to hook up with a selfish, narcissistic wankstain who cares only for himself.

And it isn't actually that difficult to know which one it is. I always on some level 'knew'. But I buried those thoughts deep, deep away because I was scared of being alone.

And I wasted many precious years of my life I will never get back and exposed my daughter to less than ideal experiences.

The basics the op have revealed here suggest much more than just a decent bloke having a bit of a wobble. And I refer to his treatment of his son and the friendship with a man who refers to his wife as 'freeloading fanny'.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:12

'Treatment of his son' - we know very little about this except that he spent months fighting for access to him in court and that he offered to work away for a few days that may have run into the weekend he was supposed to be seeing him and which he has now cancelled.

creamandsugar · 21/05/2014 22:14

Yanbu!!! I'd be fuming!!!

Shewhowines · 21/05/2014 22:20

I think mistress has hit it on the head.

Op good luck in sorting out this mess. Hopefully this thread will have given you enough strength to tell him that he needs to put his family first. Hopefully once he realises that you are serious then he will step up to the plate.

Good luck Thanks

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:20

Are you for real?

We know - because the op told us - that they spent a lot of money and time 'fighting' to get contact with this child who had not seen his father for THREE MONTHS.

on the first weekend that they were due to have contact the father 'might not be there'. Op, quite rightly, is extremely unimpressed and posts here.

And this is remotely acceptable and explainable HOW exactly?

Out of interest, how would you have explained this to the little boy?

kinsorange · 21/05/2014 22:21

The op wrote that he was not bothered that he might not see his son for a few more months.
Lovely.
bumbleymummy. I have seen your posts before on Pro Life. You care if a child is born, but not how they are treated afterwards? Where has your love for this boy gone?

kinsorange · 21/05/2014 22:22

Does bumbleymummy just have an answer for everything?

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:22

This is what the op said.

His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months!

Please do explain this to me. Why is this ok? Why should we just smile and say 'rough patch' ?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/05/2014 22:23

Might not be there - plus he was going to lie to the court and ex wife and say he had to do it.

That's one shitty rough patch.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:26

He is now not going away that week.

We also don't know how exactly this was expressed in the actual conversation. Sorry, but I'm not going to jump to conclusions about his entire relationship with his son based on one line.

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:26

How he treats one child is how he will treat all his children.

And op knows this. Hence the frenzied back tracking. Its a horrible thing to realise.

But what is more horrible is not to face up to what is going on.

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:28

Really? So what more do you need.

He hasn't seen his son for three months.

He then runs the risk he won't see him after finally getting a date after a lengthy and expensive court battle.

He will lie to his ex wife about what is going on.

His 'only concern' is that he will be in trouble with the court.

What is missing here for you?

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:32

The actual conversation and, again, he is not going now.

Fizzyplonk · 21/05/2014 22:36

Only on page 3 but 'freeloading fanny' could mean gold digger.....and not be about you. Maybe he's been buying drinks etc....