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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

455 replies

nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 22:42

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

OP posts:
Spero · 21/05/2014 22:36

That really, really isn't the point.

He should never have put himself in that position in the first place.

Its all very well being a voice of reason and trying to counterbalance some of the more excitable posts on this thread.

But I think you are so wedded to your Voice of Reason position that you are attempting to defend the indefensible.

kinsorange · 21/05/2014 22:37

bumbleymummy. I have only really noticed you on this forum in the last week or two. And wondered your angle on things.
It appears to be like a debating contest. Figure out any way to "win" against the prevailing majority.

I dont think you care a jot what you are debating. It is just a game.

Are you a lawyer[sorry to good honest lawyers for that question]

basgetti · 21/05/2014 22:37

Bumbley the posters who are criticising the DH are doing it based on what the OP has actually posted. You are defending him based on what hasn't been said. It's very strange.

Shewhowines · 21/05/2014 22:37

It doesnt matter whether he is going now or not. He wanted to. It wouldn't have even crossed any decent fathers mind. Anyway we don't know if he cancelled because Twatmate didn't go or vice versa.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/05/2014 22:39

Sorry, but I'm not going to jump to conclusions about his entire relationship with his son based on one line.

Lets get real here. Any parent who, after not seeing their child for 3 months, volunteers to work away meaning a high chance he would be delaying apparently hard fought for contact for several more months is STATING LOUD AND CLEAR that that child is not a priority to them. Not just on this one occasion because an otherwise interested parent just wouldn't contemplate doing that. This is who he is and i guarantee there will be variations of this behaviour towards his children throughout their lives. No doubt OP could think of many off the top of her head.

That action alone is a very clear example of who he is and how he prioritises (or doesn't, rather!)his children.

Even if OP hadn't listed any of the other stuff that one thing alone tells anyone reading enough to know what type of man this guy is.

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:45

It doesnt matter whether he is going now or not. He wanted to. It wouldn't have even crossed any decent fathers mind.

Exactly. No speculation or unhealthy projection there. That is exactly what happened.

What does that say about him to you bumbleymummy?

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:49

Spero, we're all entitled to our opinions. I've already said that I'm not going to jump to conclusions about this man's relationship with his son based on one line from the OP and without knowing the full details of the conversation. It may not have been something that really occurred to him because the chances of it running over were so slim so when he was asked he just replied without thinking in great detail or considering that he may not see him again for months. He has obviously decided not to go so perhaps he realised that there was a risk in missing him and he didn't want to take it. We simply don't know and I am not going to make assumptions. I think people are trying to take a lot from the very little that was posted and I don't think it is fair or justified. (or helpful!)

HowLongIsTooLong · 21/05/2014 22:51

I agree with bumbleymummy that maybe some people are getting carried away here. Difficult as the situation may be, there is some scope for things to be resolved without the OP having to LTB immediately!

The OP's question was:
"Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?"

The consensus was no, she is not BU.

Her DH's response to her telling him to get a grip and face up to his responsibilities is what is crucial.

Has she actually done this?

What did he say?

I think the gossip with the friend about freeloading and cracking fanny is offensive and could cause some alarm bells to ring about DH's attitude, or assertiveness with dodgy friends, but in some ways it distracts from the main issue, which is whether he has had a wake-up call and admitted he has been a bit of a tit, playing on her good nature (as she said) with his behaviour re. going out, not pulling his weight at home and not facing up to responsibilities with his first son.
And said that this will change.

Not sure if this has happened...but surely that is what she wants and needs to hear right now, and wants and needs to see him act upon.

kinsorange · 21/05/2014 22:54

Then how can you possibly comment on any op in the history of mumsnet? The answer is that you cannot!!!

You can always argue and "win" Tada! Congratulations!

And you are so a lawyer!!! [guessing but you havent denied it!]!

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:54

Youre - where are you getting this 'high chance' from? I don't see that in the OP - are you assuming that was the case? Isn't it also possible that the chance of it over running was very small? We also don't know how much it could have over run by - would it mean that he wouldn't be there Friday night but would arrive home Sat am/lunchtime so still have most of the weekend with him? See, not enough information. Some people seem to always want to assume the worst.

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:56

Who has said 'leave the bastard immediately' ?

No one I can think of.

And yes, we are all entitled to our opinions. But we are not entitled to demand that our opinions all attract equal weight and respect.

Because some opinions are not worth much at all.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:57

HowLong, I'm not sure if she's had that conversation yet but yes, I agree that it needs to be had.

Spero · 21/05/2014 22:58

Not making it absolutely clear and plain that you will be there for a child you haven't seen in 3 months, allows me to assume the worst because I have very clear evidence that the worst is right in front of me.

Shitty, indefensible behaviour.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 22:59

We'll just have to agree to disagree Spero. I don't jump to conclusions like that.

Spero · 21/05/2014 23:01

Indeed.

No doubt you would not want to run out of burning house as it would be a bit unfair to the flames to assume they might be hot.

HowLongIsTooLong · 21/05/2014 23:02

All of our opinions will be a bit more grounded if we get more feedback from the OP as to how her discussion with her DH went and what has happened between them since, and how she feels about it all now in relation to her original posting.

But she seems to have gone quiet and when she does post is quite defensive.

Hope you are getting some resolution OP - sounds like the situation is extremely difficult.

Turniphead1 · 21/05/2014 23:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

kinsorange · 21/05/2014 23:05

She would argue with them Spero! See if she could "win"!

Seriously though, bumbleymummy, dont do that in a fire.

Spero · 21/05/2014 23:07

Well, possibly its not a very big fire. It might burn out soon. Maybe it isn't even a fire! just a few candles flickering! and I do have my asbestos suit on. So its all good. etc, etc, etc.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 23:08

Don't be ridiculous Spero. There's a difference between knowing something and assuming something based on limited information.

Yes, looks like all the "support" that was offered managed to scare off the OP.

kinsorange · 21/05/2014 23:08

In this instance Turnip, I am afraid that I dont care.
The op has long gone emotionally. She is arguing against her own posts that she made originally against her husband.

Like another poster said, we can only hope that some posts from posters will have sunk in.

bumbleymummy · 21/05/2014 23:08
Hmm
Clarabum · 21/05/2014 23:10

So what exactly is it you want then OP?
I read this a few days ago and thought he was a bit of a dick but I don't actually know how you see this situation ending?

You have put your point across and everyone has reinforced that he's taking the piss but now you are fiercely defending him.
I don't get it and i'm genuinely curious to see what it is you want?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/05/2014 23:11

Youre - where are you getting this 'high chance' from? I don't see that in the OP - are you assuming that was the case? Isn't it also possible that the chance of it over running was very small?

Past behaviour being the best indicator of future behaviour i based this 'high chance' on the fact that this man takes two whole days to go out for a drink for a few hours, based on the fact that this workaholic man spends twelve hours a day, including weekends (apart from every 6th) away from his children.

Of course his 'work thing' would 'run over'. He was telling OP there was a chance it would A) to guage how that news would be received when he called to let her know and B) to lay the paving stones for it to be expected that it will run over so that when it did, OP couldnt kick up a fuss because he would come back with the "i did say it might" line.

OP may not see it but plenty of can see exactly how he has manipulated her.

Spero · 21/05/2014 23:13

Sigh.

But I don't accept my information is 'limited'.

You don't seem to think you know enough to comment. So be it. Seems pretty clear to me where his son sits on his list of priorities. And it worried the op as well.