to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

[nincompoopascoop]

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

There are a few things going on here... Either you over exaggerated the problems in the first place and now you are having to backtrack, or your first posts were accurate and now you don't want to face up to it.

If he only gets 1/6 weekends free all the more reason that his time with his kids should be bloody precious and not involve him gallavanting about, getting haircuts and getting so drunk that he spends the next day in bed.

He has manipulated you and controlled you into submission so that you don't even feel like you can go out because he disapproves.

That is an awful way to live. I know, I've been there. All my friends slowly disappeared as they couldn't cope with me not seeing what he was doing to me. They did try.

This thread is very strange.

One thing I can't comprehend is how convinced the OP is that no other women are involved when there are so many red flags.

I'm not talking about an 'affair' as such, just plain and simple shagging around.

Presumably twatmate is single and probably sowing his wild oats when they go out so it's not a huge leap to think the husband might be his wingman.

the night's out have been when the kids are at school/activities/in bed rather than weekends so him not being there hasn't impacted them.

No, I bet he's well up for playing with them and generally spending quality time with the hangover he ends up with. Another one here who's despairing and wondering why the OP posted in the first place...

I can totally see how/why the thread has evolved. The Op came on here to vent about her Dh's behaviour which she thinks is unreasonable.Based on the limited information that she gives, people start to question her entire relationship, make assumptions about the DH and jump to all sorts of conclusions. She realises that these interpretations are inaccurate (because, you know, she actually knows him and all the other aspects their relationship IRL) but when she tries to correct them she gets berated and accused of not seeing things clearly/backtracking etc. Of course she's going to step back. Honestly, it sometimes seems like the only conclusion people are satisfied with on relationship threads is if the woman LTB.

Just a reminder, the OPs husband has been out 7 times in the last 12 months - that's less than once a week. Not saying that this is acceptable, given the circumstances and the fact that it's drastically increased in relation to previous years but it's not like he's lying in bed nursing a hangover and shirking his parental responsibilities every other day.

7 times in 3 months Bumbley. And he would be 'livid' if she did the same.

Sorry - I meant to write 12 weeks (3 months) - less than once a week. I did say that I'm not saying it's acceptable given the circumstances but I think suggesting that he's lying around with a hangover most of the time isn't exactly accurate.

7 times in 3 months when already working long hours with DC who apparently aren't used to him. The OP hasn't been out 7 times in 3 years.

Bumbley - to what extent am I or anyone else here 'misinterpreting' or 'speculating' about the way he has treated his son?

That's a fact isn't it? A fact that prompted op to post here. You can't massage that away. It speaks to the fundamentals of this man and his character.

Yes, Chaz, which is one of the reasons why I've said that I'm not saying that it is acceptable given the circumstances.

Didn't he cancel his trip away so he will be there to see his son? The one that he spent months in fighting to see. Not saying that his decision to go in the first place was a good one if there was a risk that it would run over but perhaps he thought the risk was small and he would be back on time - it was just if it over ran he wouldn't be able to see him. There are lots of gaps in the information and I'd rather not fill them in with negative speculation.

Bumbley it's bad enough that the OP has decided to convince herself that this awful situation is great after all. I wonder what your motivation is for doing the same.

where of course he hasn't worked every night for 3 years. But when he's working 12 hour days for 6 days so doesn't see the dc at all, the 2 and 3 yr old don't suddenly want him to put them to bed on the 7th night. They want the same routine as always, which I feel is understandable.

Nope. My DC were in that position. My DGC are in that position sometimes and all were/are desperate to see their dad.
They didn't give a monkeys about 'routine'.
He's abdicated his home responsibilities and in a way I think you like it like that.

basgetti, I'm not convincing myself of anything. That's the point. I don't know enough about the OP, her DH or their relationship based on a few posts to judge that their relationship is completely dysfunctional and that she should LTB. Yes, his behaviour is currently unacceptable and she wants it to change. She knows that and she will talk to him about that. I think people need to step back a bit and stop projecting their own experiences on to others.

I dont think bumbley is called bumbley for nothing.

I am feeling curiously sad about this thread.

I think that Spero is summing it up well.

I should imagine that the op is feeling sad right now.

For me, what he is behaving like regarding his son, speaks volumes.
Actually I am beginning to wonder if he is sacred witless about seeing his son again? And is feeling guilty in some way?

But Nanny, all children are different. The OPs DC may be happier sticking with their routine with their mum rather than having their Dad put them to bed one night a week.

I meant convincing the OP, not yourself. By the OP's own words this is an awful situation with a selfish and controlling partner and co-parent. I don't understand why anyone would seek to minimise or even play devil's advocate on a thread like this, and am concerned by the motivation. MN should be the one place where women are told that being treated like this is not acceptable, not have apologists for it popping up to tell the OP it's not too bad.

*where of course he hasn't worked every night for 3 years. But when he's working 12 hour days for 6 days so doesn't see the dc at all, the 2 and 3 yr old don't suddenly want him to put them to bed on the 7th night. They want the same routine as always, which I feel is understandable.

Nope. My DC were in that position. My DGC are in that position sometimes and all were/are desperate to see their dad.
They didn't give a monkeys about 'routine'.
He's abdicated his home responsibilities and in a way I think you like it like that.*

Agree. EXP was in the forces and left for a 6 month deployment when ds2 was 11 days old. He kept in touch via phone and skype and ds2 was 6 months old when he was first conscious of his dad. There was no strangeness or wanting me, he was happy to let EXP do his nappy, bottles, bath and bed. Same each time exp left and came back after months away at work.

I haven't said it's 'not too bad'. I'm just saying that it's not necessarily what people are making it out to be which is probably why the OP is stepping back from the thread. If people stuck to facts instead of jumping to conclusions/projecting their own interpretations on to the situation then she would probably get a lot more out of it.

anyfucker

so this thread has gone strange (suprise suprise)- and OP is going to...? well god knows what

when I say compassion and empathy I am NOT criticising people that give honest feedback, there are some politely written and well thought responses and I am sure they have filtered in.

what does make me wince are the 1 liners like

you are a doormat OP
He's either gay or chasing another pussy
so what ARE you going to do OP?
etc etc

these are people, IMO, that put the knife in. and they do no good IMO

I am not criticising people that have taken the time to write a well thought out (and blunt) response telling OP its unacceptable behaviour

I do however find people who write 1 line pithy responses somewhat heartless

OP, I may be leaping to conclusions here, but by the tone of your replies, I would guess your DP is bringing home quite a bit of money (and maybe has quite a lot of status?) and that it would be inconvenient for you to manage on your own financially - so you're prepared to put up with this behaviour?

What I would say is: I think it's normal and OK to be afraid of the financial implications of a split. There's often a bit of a tone on here that we are supposed to be strong women, striding independently into the sunset by ourselves without a qualm. Of course, that's a lovely image and there are many women on here who have done it. But actually, it's terrifying when you're contemplating it. However, as someone who has (eventually, after a long time) taken the leap it I would say this: financial security really isn't everything. By staying in this relationship, it seems to me that you're sacrificing your right to have a pleasant, fulfilling home life with a man who loves and cares about you and your children. If I were you, I'd get some legal advice so that you know more where you would stand in the event of going it alone - you might be pleasantly surprised, and it might just change your mind a little.

I go out regularly. I don't buy new clothes and have haircuts in preparation and then opt out of family life the next day.
I agree that my kids would be desperate for dad to put them to bed even if it was only occasionally.

I do think the op likes the control she has over her children's lives and is reluctant to relinquish that. Perhaps it is because she has no control over her own life and relationship, or perhaps it is because dp hasn't been allowed to have a role in the family and has now given up on family life.

Whichever it is there does seem a complete lack of respect. I think the relationship is in big trouble. Is he behaving as he is now because he is an arse or is he behaving this way because he has given up. Based on the dss situation, my bet would be on the former.

Something has to change in the dynamics of this relationship. It can't continue as it is now.

Personally I think the most telling part is his treatment of his eldest. I can't get my head around volunteering for a project that 'might' overrun and plotting how to lie to get out of taking responsibility for not showing up. I don't think he cares one way or another about this eldest; I think he cares about how it looks.

OP - I get that you're scared. I get that making excuses is easier than confrontation. If you've never really had a cross word that's very odd. Esp in light of his recent behaviour. Surely you've been angry? Are you so scared that you can't express your anger?

I agree with others that say you are grasping at straws. Nobody is ALL bad; everyone does something, sometime that puts them in a good light. That doesn't make up for the rest.

He clearly doesn't give a shit about his eldest, just how it looks.
I suppose the op can convince herself that that's nothing to do with her.

It says a lot about him though.