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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with dh and others for constantly asking my work plans?

93 replies

choplouey · 18/05/2014 13:34

Dh works irregular shifts, his hours change at short notice, he is often on call and if theres an emergency he could (and does) disappear for days. He leaves at 6.30 a.m. and his earliest return is 7 p.m. He loves his career and does not want to change it. We have no family support.

We live in a small town where there are very few jobs besides care work, which I can't do because of the shifts. The nearest city is an hours drive away (on a good run) so if I worked there I'd have to finish at 4 p.m. to guarantee being back to collect the kids from after school club at 5.30 p.m. I am qualified and could find a job there but it's impossible to do logistically while we live here. The kids and I could move and dh work away, but he doesn't want to do that.

I'd like the opportunity to work but am also happy being a SAHM. However, dh and his friends/family are always asking what my work plans are once our youngest is a little older then give me a Hmm face when I say dhs career pretty much makes me working an impossibility.AIBU to find this bloody annoying or am I making myself sound like a lazy shirker and missing a way in which I could work?

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 18/05/2014 13:37

What are you qualified as?

Original poster
choplouey · 18/05/2014 13:38

I worked as a lecturer in a University pre dc. Nearest university is in the aforementioned city.

OP posts:
CanaryYellow · 18/05/2014 13:39

What did you discuss and agree on re staying at home/returning to work before having children?

rollonthesummer · 18/05/2014 13:40

Could you teach adult education in a local college?

Icimoi · 18/05/2014 13:40

How old are the children/ Could you arrange after school care that finishes at a later time? 5.30 is going to be useless for most working parents, I would have thought.

Icimoi · 18/05/2014 13:41

Could you take on anything like home tuition?

SavoyCabbage · 18/05/2014 13:43

Could you get a childminder or find another mother you could share looking after the dc with?

crazyspaniel · 18/05/2014 13:44

You should be able to teach part-time in a University. My department has several part-time tutors who have children, and their family needs can be factored into the teaching timetable quite easily.

Original poster
choplouey · 18/05/2014 13:44

The latest childminders and after school clubs close is 6 so the only option would be a nanny but if I worked asa llecturer I'd be home closer to 7, meaning the children wouldn't really see their parents at all during the week which neither dh or I want. I teach a fairly niche subject which isn't taught at college level, nor is itrreally applicable to home tuition.

OP posts:
Meow75 · 18/05/2014 13:49

The person I'd be most annoyed with is your DH. Sod everyone else asking, he should at least have sufficient brain cells to work out that it is his career that would be the biggest obstacle.

The rest of his family can be referred to him once he has figured this out.

If you are financially comfortable, or even if you're no actually, why does anyone else care anyway.

Out of interest, what ages are your children?

FunnyFoot · 18/05/2014 13:52

So which is it?

DH either wants you to be a SAHM (mentioned in above post) so that the children see at least one parent or he wants you to work (as you have stated in your OP)?

Ask DH what job he expects you to get.
I wouldn't worry about what other people say and just meet their questions with a ' We have decided that I will not return to work until the children are much older or DH's working pattern changes'.

Icimoi · 18/05/2014 13:53

I think you'd find that childminders are prepared to be fairly flexible, particularly if you live in an area where there aren't many jobs. And if you worked, say, 3 days a week might that be a reasonable compromise?

Original poster
choplouey · 18/05/2014 13:54

He knows it's his career that's the obstacle because I've said the dc and I could move and he work away or he could change locations but he doesn't want to do either. Therefore my hands are pretty tied, unless I want to work in a supermarket which would pay less than the childcare bill for dc who are 7, 5 and 2 plus I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
Sid77 · 18/05/2014 13:56

What do you want to do OP? Doesn't matter what others think...

Original poster
choplouey · 18/05/2014 13:57

Ici I've researched it and anything after 6 is an extortionate rate which would make working pointless. Most people have one or the other parent available or else another family member to help from around 6.

I've asked dh funny and he's said I should 'write books while our preschoolers nap'....!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 18/05/2014 13:57

If you're pregnant-I'm surprised people are mentioning you returning to work??!

Original poster
choplouey · 18/05/2014 13:58

I think it's irrelevant while they're all so young sid but am fed up of being asked!

OP posts:
Original poster
choplouey · 18/05/2014 13:59

Tell me about it roll, you'd think they'd give me a break wouldn't you?

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 18/05/2014 13:59

I'd go with 'You've asked me this before and I've told you the answer.' How boring to be asked the same thing over and over and given the same uncomprehending response.

crazyspaniel · 18/05/2014 14:03

I was just about to post again to say that I don't understand why part-time University teaching isn't an option. But having seen from your update that you have (nearly four young children, I really don't understand why people are on your back about working. Ask them (deadly seriously) if they are offering you free childcare - I suspect that would shut them up fairly quickly.

As for "write books" - if it could even be done with four children to deal with, does your DH not realise that academics make no money from their publications?

Lottiedoubtie · 18/05/2014 14:03

7, 5, 2 and as yet unborn?

People are rude. Now is not the time for you to go back to work unless you really need the cash.

Glitterfeet · 18/05/2014 14:05

I agree with Meow.

I work full time now but did used to get pissed off with the questions from some people. Especially as, at that time, my dp travelled and worked late. My favourite was the revelation that I should get a little part time job. Great so I could work a few hours a day, for a low wage. Then during school holidays we'dhave to pay for a full day of childcare for 2 children.

At least my dp has the sense to realize that childen need dropping off and picking up, we both can't work out of town.

Glitterfeet · 18/05/2014 14:10

Ahh, I see the ages of your children. I like the suggestion of asking if they're offering free childcare.

Meow75 · 18/05/2014 14:11

Ha ha, 7, 5, 2 and still cooking?!

I thought you were gonna say they were teens with one still left in PS but soon to move up. What a bunch of muppets your H's family are!!!

Agree with PP's - Are you gonna pay me more than NMW? Are you offering free child care? Do you think that with H's career and our children so young, I should be looking to spend more time AWAY from my children and have someone else raise them for the duration of a shift at the Co-op?!?!?!

whatever5 · 18/05/2014 14:12

If only your DH's friends and family ask perhaps he has told them you intend to go back to work when you can. They might be asking the question just for something to say..

I must admit I probably give a Hmm when a well qualified person tells me they would like to work but can't because of their husband's career though.