to be annoyed with dh and others for constantly asking my work plans?

[choplouey]

Dh works irregular shifts, his hours change at short notice, he is often on call and if theres an emergency he could (and does) disappear for days. He leaves at 6.30 a.m. and his earliest return is 7 p.m. He loves his career and does not want to change it. We have no family support.

We live in a small town where there are very few jobs besides care work, which I can't do because of the shifts. The nearest city is an hours drive away (on a good run) so if I worked there I'd have to finish at 4 p.m. to guarantee being back to collect the kids from after school club at 5.30 p.m. I am qualified and could find a job there but it's impossible to do logistically while we live here. The kids and I could move and dh work away, but he doesn't want to do that.

I'd like the opportunity to work but am also happy being a SAHM. However, dh and his friends/family are always asking what my work plans are once our youngest is a little older then give me a face when I say dhs career pretty much makes me working an impossibility.AIBU to find this bloody annoying or am I making myself sound like a lazy shirker and missing a way in which I could work?

To the people asking you, I would be inclined to stick up the two fingers. You are probably too nice

Dh - spell it out to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that at this stage you are not in a position to go back and you want his support when others ask

I am in a similar boat with DH's job although my DC are all at school now. I found that having 4+ (I have 5 now) was hard enough work and didn't want extra on top so happy being SAHM. I am nearing completion of an OU degree so people are often asking what I will do for work and I just say am not sure will probably volunteer then decide. I have enough unpaid stuff to do am am mega busy before and after school and weekends when DH is at work.

If you are happy then SAH and stuff everyone else's view!

That's the thing, copper, his job and level of responsibility - to be fair to him - does make it impossible for him to have days off for child sickness or teacher training days so it would all fall to me.

Does this mean he is very low down the food chain and therefore not earning much? If he isn't in a great job himself, I can see why he might feel under a lot of pressure having to provide for a wife and four kids, and I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to want some help with this.

Universities tend to employ a lot of hourly paid teachers, in addition to offering flexible working arrangements for their permanent staff. If you want to go back, are you sure that PT options aren't available to you?

If you don't want to go back, I guess that's a topic for negotiation with your DH. I don't think there is an automatic right for anyone to stay at home, but I don't think either partner should get to call all the shots!

Fideline - not being able to earn a wage that covers childcare costs is another topic entirely. I have been in that position, forced to spend 18 months as a SAHM as my mental health slowly deteriorated, so I certainly sympathise with that position. But saying "DH's hours are not compatible with me working" and "Our family can't afford to take the financial knock of me earning less than childcare costs" are two very different things, albeit that they may occur at the same time.

With the actual costs of childcare as a separate issue, the logistics should be manageable if you have the determination. Or how would working lone parents exist?

This is all a complete aside to the OP's problem, as she doesn't appear to want to work at the moment (and who would with such small children and another on the way!), and it is her DH's refusal to move to where the work actually is rather than the hours he works that are the issues.

But the other thing to consider with working lone parents is that they can choose to move to where the work is, or perhaps in some cases to where they have family support. If the OP lived near the university then it might be logistically feasible to work- the issue she has now is that child care providers are not open at the times she'd need them. Her DH won't move though.

I think your dh had bee well covered here.

Where other people are concerned it very much depends, a polite enquiry is just that, making conversation etc. and often it ion mums net people get told to tell them to F off a dither cheeky things when I don't consider it justified.

For those people who continue to rant on I would possibly work out the cost of child care full time for the 4, then work out the total salary to cover that. Depending on where you live that's a hell of a lot. Factor in emergency care, sick leave etc. then just look at the person smile and say, we'll we considered it but with a since the first x of my salary (that's the amount you need to earn to have the childcare left after tax and NI) being used for flu time nursery, you can see why it's not viable. Then if it's you Mil follow it up with, unless dh is giving up work or you are offering the childcare?

When he asks, especially if he's asking about full-time work,ask him what his plans are to contribute 50% of the time needed for domestic tasks/child-rearing (eg I'll consider going back full time if we both strictly commit to 9-5). I've seen this so many times where a DH wants his wife to hold down a full-time, prestigious job and do all of the tasks like cooking,children's homework,light housework, small repairs etc (though usually agree to getting a cleaner in for the heavy stuff).

I've never understood why peoples' choices to go to work or not were everyone else's business.

We're in your situation op, except I'm the full time earner with odd shifts, frequent call and antisocial hours. DH is the sahp. He's qualified in his field with experience and a very specific niche skill set - he couldn't work in our current town, he'd need to work in the nearest larger city (a 45min flight away).

We could move to Other City - but I'd hate to work there and neither of us want to live there, we like our present location. He could weekend commute but I'd have to have a live-in child carer which would cost more than his salary would bring in - as a family we'd be worse off financially.

I could change jobs to 9-5 but not earn nearly as much as I do now and hate it.

The difference is (I think) that I really value the contribution DH makes to the family. Our children are dropped off and picked up by a parent. I can leave at 2am on call knowing he is there to cover child care. I can stay late for an emergency knowing he is there for the children. I can work school holidays because he's there. When I get leave over school holiday times we can all go away as a family, we don't have to juggle his working hours with mine.

We did consider DH going back to work when the youngest started school at 5 and it just wasn't feasible when you look at all the benefits the family gets with him at home.

You already work. Your DH needs to recognise this and appreciate that it's you not working outside of the home that allows him the flexibility to work in a job and live in a place he clearly loves. To lose that flexibility and allow you to work he's going to have to look at where he wants to compromise in his life.

FWIW if my husband was desperate to get back into work I would move heaven and earth to facilitate it. Luckily for me he also recognises the importance of his contribution to our lifestyle and he adores the time and bond he has with our boys.

So when people ask about his work plans, I ask them not to put scary ideas in his head! And say that he works hard enough at home. When he's asked, he says he's busy enough looking after me and our children and dogs (and vege patch and chickens and small family business) without looking for more stress elsewhere :)

Sorry, that turned into a ranting mini-epic. I just feel so defensive of DH who has made the (IMHO) brave decision to stay at home and by extension, defensive of your choices too. It pisses me off mightily when people imply he's a work shy freeloading scrounger - nothing could be further from the truth.

For example, he's got a stinking cold, but has just done the school run, will supervise homework & afternoon tea, get dinner on, make me a cuppa when I get in, take kids to karate tonight, clear up kitchen & homework mess, play with boys ... I'm sitting at work drinking a cup of tea.

Do you want to work? Because your DH doesn't have the right to make it impossible if that's what you want to do, why should his career be prioritised at the expense of yours? He should compromise, that's an important part of being a family. Even if you don't want to work outside the home, he should recognise that you have sacrificed a lot to support his career. If he needs it spelling out, work out what you are saving the family in childcare fees.

He says he loves knowing I'm home with the dc and hates the thought of them being in childcare but then still brings up the work question, citing friends who have foreign holidays because they have two salaries. It's frustrating because he could career change and earn more but work 9-5 and I could then work too but I know he'd hate to leave his career so it isn't an option.

Tell him this, sit down and discuss the situation, let him know these are his options if he wants you to work but if he is not willing to make changes to his career or use childcare he needs to stop pressuring you about working and stick up for you with his family. The way he is treating you is wrong, expecting you to do the majority of the childcare but not recognising your contribution, pressuring you to return to work while making it impossible, letting his family criticise you.

You're risking your personal financial future to help him stay in the fun job he loves, rather than have to move to the more lucrative 9 - 5 and he has no appreciation of this at all.

Next time he asks perhaps you should outline how you can do it, in other words, you move away or he changes job. Present these as real options. He needs to wake up and stop taking your position for granted.

Just a thought but by the time your youngest is 4 you could get an au pair and go back to work, or is you get a job as a lecturer perhaps you could pay a nanny?

You might not get much more disposable income after you pay your childcare but if you are happier working it could be worth it.

I think you need to sit dh down and point out that it's impossible for you to work until the youngest dc starts school due to childcare costs and the commute and tell him that he backs you up on that 100%.
It worries me that you've got a dh that doesn't seem to value your contribution of looking after soon to be 4 dc enough. Either he backs you up as you have him, or you move so you can work. I wouldn't let it go as he's not really onside.

What ChasedByBees said. Many times over.

Annie

My apologies, I didn't think you were being difficult at all, I just disagree with you, that's all.
If somebody really wanted to work they could be in a position where it wasn't possible.
I did choose to be a sahm but had I not it wouldn't have been possible because of dhs career. I made the choice to support him though, and understand that some people may be able to manage with a dh with an all consuming career, but for us it wasn't financially possible.

if I were a lone parent I could move to the city, work part time and get the majority of my childcare costs paid for me

Ha ha haa!

There's your answer to him and his family then...

"in 5 years when youngest DC has reached school age, my plan is to leave DH move to the city, work part time and get the majority of my childcare costs paid for me*

Alternatively

We haven't actually agreed this yet, but I assume DH with become a SAHP or work part time and I will go back to work.

Didn't he decide that two holidays a year were out when you both decided you wanted 4 children?

Excellent post HicDraconis - OP is facilitating her DH's career and he at least should be supportive of her considerable contribution.