to be annoyed with dh and others for constantly asking my work plans?

[choplouey]

Dh works irregular shifts, his hours change at short notice, he is often on call and if theres an emergency he could (and does) disappear for days. He leaves at 6.30 a.m. and his earliest return is 7 p.m. He loves his career and does not want to change it. We have no family support.

We live in a small town where there are very few jobs besides care work, which I can't do because of the shifts. The nearest city is an hours drive away (on a good run) so if I worked there I'd have to finish at 4 p.m. to guarantee being back to collect the kids from after school club at 5.30 p.m. I am qualified and could find a job there but it's impossible to do logistically while we live here. The kids and I could move and dh work away, but he doesn't want to do that.

I'd like the opportunity to work but am also happy being a SAHM. However, dh and his friends/family are always asking what my work plans are once our youngest is a little older then give me a face when I say dhs career pretty much makes me working an impossibility.AIBU to find this bloody annoying or am I making myself sound like a lazy shirker and missing a way in which I could work?

crazy because dh works in a very different field he rather naively thinks that being a skilled writer means that if I pulled my finger out I could be the next Jk Rowling

He says he loves knowing I'm home with the dc and hates the thought of them being in childcare but then still brings up the work question, citing friends who have foreign holidays because they have two salaries. It's frustrating because he could career change and earn more but work 9-5 and I could then work too but I know he'd hate to leave his career so it isn't an option.

I get exactly the same from dh and both our families My dh also works very long hours-leaves at 6.00am and often not home until 8pm,sometime later.

We also have no family help and as I did'nt have a career as such pre dcs-office work-it is highly unlikely that I will be able to walk into a fantastic career after 12 years as a sahm.

Yet I still get these comments from my mum and mil about when am I going to start working

Why would you do the face whatever5 when a well qualified person "chooses" not to work.

OP's DH works irregular hours and overnights, she has DCs of differing ages, the career she could pursue would get her back later than the latest CM hours. Whats her alternative? A nanny is a possibility, but not very financially achievable even for those of us with reasonable jobs but not in the higher tax band. Yes DH could change his career, but if he enjoys it and OP enjoys being a SAHP at this point in time, I'm not entirely sure why she should.

OP when people ask or mention it, including your DH, then just keep listing the logistics - if you can manage it in a boring monotone that would be even better. Eventually the message may sink in.

I don't think ybu this annoys me too, I'm not skilled I worked in a shop when I left school and stayed there for 12 years, when I had the children I stayed as long as I could but when husband worked full time I left,
His family keep saying wouldn't you be better working like jobs grow on trees, we live 30 mins drive from the main town and longer by bus

I'd be asking myself why my husband is so inflexible to accommodating my career. I'm always very hmmm about these men who claim they have to work a million hours a week and there's no possible room for discussion with his employer to adapt.

Sorry, but your husband is being a complete arse over this.

-He is unwilling to change his career, which involves being away overnight at short notice and irregular hours at best

• He is unwilling for you to move to an area where you could find a suitable job/childcare-

• He wants his children to see at least one parent during the week but it's not going to be him

He either has to put up or shut up. For as long as he puts his career before you and your children, he has no right to pester you about getting back to work. His career clearly prevents it. And his friends and family can fuck right off too! Sorry, but it 's just bizarre; an 'a woman's place is in the wrong' situation . If he really wanted you to return to lecturing, he'd stop making it impossible for you to do so.

And why are his friends and family asking you about this anyway? The prompt for that must be coming from somewhere.

Do you want to work, though, OP, or have you happily chosen not too? Because if I had given up a career (and god knows, academic jobs are bloody hard to come by) essentially so that my husband could continue to do something he "loves" and then he proceeded to hector me about not working, I would be all manner of resentful.

Basically, if he is allowed to do what he loves, so should you be, whether that's work or stay at home. Blaming you for not being able to afford holidays is not on - someone ought to give him that patronising speech about not being able to have it all that's so readily trotted out for working women but which men seem amazingly immune to.

I would make it clear to your dh that when you go back to work, he will be expected to take equal responsibility for any childcare arrangements. This includes pick-ups and drop-offs and taking time off work when one or more of the children are too ill for school/nursery.

Ask him what plans he will be making to deal with his share of those responsibilities.

Why would you do the hmm face whatever5 when a well qualified person "chooses" not to work.

Read what I said rookiemater. I didn't say that I pull a face if a well qualified person chooses not to work. I said that probably pull a if a well qualified person says that they would like to work but can't because of their husband's career.

And don't forget school/nursery holidays and teacher training days.

Would your subject lend itself to you doing something from home? For example, Associate Lecturer (with someone like Open University) providing learning support to students via email, phone, skype and perhaps occasional group tutorials.

It doesn't even always have to be in your niche subject. I know a couple of people who tutor in a (in one case, very vaguely) related subject.

Given the ages of your children (not to mention your pregnancy) it sounds as if you have got quite enough on your plate, as long as you and your DH can afford for you to continue as a SAHM.

Having said that, it is always much easier to get back into the workplace (especially academia) if you can keep a foot in the door, so to speak.

Hmm, I think both YANBU and yabu.
YANBU to think your dh should not wax lyrical about having two salaries when he knows he is blocking you from working.
Yabu to get annoyed with other people who are not stopping you from doing anything. They are possibly asking you because they are interested in you as a person outside of being a mum and it's a way of getting to know more about you and your plans and your hopes and dreams. The fact is one day your children will be more independent, and you will have time to follow your own passions, whether that be writing, studying, working, etc. If people are genuinely interested/making conversation then you can always tell them some of your possible ambitions, even if it's 'well in an ideal world...' context.
You do sound a bit... Black and white about it, if you don't mind me saying. I'm not sure it would annoy you this much if you were 100% happy with the situation. What do you lecture in? Could you think about becoming a tutor or running an informal evening class locally? Writing might sounds like a dumb suggestion while you have three young children and another one on the way but once they're all in school it might not sound too bad. Later down the line could you moderate exams or mark papers? Get involved with summer schools? I appreciate when you're pregant it all seems annoyingly hypothetical and beside the point. But I'm pg at the moment and have already had questions (1st tri!) about whether I'll go back to work etc. (it's my second so I'm already part time). But I wouldn't feel offended as people are only showing an interest, and as it happens I have a long and detailed plan for the future which will probably never happen but I never tire of telling everyone about it (bet they wish they'd never asked!).
I also don't think you should necessarily see yr dh's career as non negotiable if it's impacting your quality of life. Four children is a big investment of time and you've both made the decision (I presume) - with a big family you do need to (both) be prepared to make compromises.
It might be that you you need to agree a set time limit on dh's career, after which point (eg until all four children are in school/secondary?) the two of you prioritise your career instead. This has worked for some couples I know. With one, the dh worked till retirement then teamed up with his wife to help her start her own (Long dreamed-of) business.
I can easily imagine with three children all at different stages of need etc you are I finding it difficult to see the wood for the trees/peer into the long term future, but it's not always a bad idea to give it some thought.

Yanbu. It is bloody annoying. My mil was recently telling me how she was so worried about my DH because he was working too hard (and I wasn't was the implication, I was job hunting at the time).
I said to her lucky him, I'd love to be able to work that hard only I have to worry about childcare for our children, he has no such worries because he sees it as my job.
That shut her up.

That's the thing, copper, his job and level of responsibility - to be fair to him - does make it impossible for him to have days off for child sickness or teacher training days so it would all fall to me.

Evening classes aren't an option as there's no available childcare. We can't afford to pay the months childcare up front for me to do anything tbh as we have our (my) care of dsc to consider too.

Snake my mil is similar. I then asked how many timesdh calls her a week. Then asked how many times I miss her call. Pointed out him calling her 10+ times per week for a chat when at work is hardly reflective of such extreme busyness as me, who barely gets to look at my phone during the day.

Your hands are basically tied choplouy. How the F does anyone expect you to organise logistics for 4 children, childcare, drop offs, pick ups, sick days and so on all by yourself, and do this around a full time job with a shite commute? Impossible.
The people asking you obviously don't really know your situation or are making moronic chit chat and don't really care what your up to. Anyone who knows your situ would understand

Lol choplouy I stopped answering my mil's call years ago.. so she gave up calling :-)

"Evening classes aren't an option as there's no available childcare"

I agree that tutoring Evening Classes would be difficult. In fact, evening child care can be much more expensive than daytime child care.

However, there are quite a lot of Distance Learning establishments (not just the OU which I suggested above) that use Associate Lecturers working remotely/from home, so that might be one way back.

When DH asks about your work plans , I would respond with an answer that turns the child care responsibility back to him.

• Oh brilliant, have you managed to sort free daytime and evening child care for 4 children ? Once you've finalised arrangements with them let me know and I can apply for jobs.

• I knew you'd come round to living in BigCity so I can resume my university career ! Let's look on Rightmove for houses.

• Let me know as soon as your contract has been updated to work 9-5 weekdays and guaranteed time off for Inset days and holidays, and I can start applying for jobs.

For everyone else - tell them you'd love to go back to work, and is their continued interest because they'd like to offer free daytime and evening childcare for 4 children ?

Tell them you have a job!

If you are happy as a sahm then tell them to shuv off and mind their own business.
As far as your dh is concerned if he is asking about your plans, tell him theres nothing you can do unless you move and as he doesn't want to then you can't really plan.
My dh has a career that rtakes him all over the place and we have been in the same position as yourself, but we made the decision out of choice.
Your dh needs to know that you have sacrificed an opportunity to work in your own field to support his career, put the boot on his foot and ask him for a solution.

With a fourth dc on the way and your eldest still in Primary school maybe its time to start telking people to shut the fuck up. How utterly UR to question your set up.

Your DH is a twit - he should be defending you "my wife iS working - she is raising our four children and frankly Icouldnt do what I do without her". Not jumping on the bandwaggon too.

That's the thing, copper, his job and level of responsibility - to be fair to him - does make it impossible for him to have days off for child sickness or teacher training days so it would all fall to me.

Does your DH agree that he will never be able to cover child sickness or teacher training days etc?

I think "writing books" is actually an inspired idea! There are so many opportunities for you to do it - during the weekend while dh takes the kids to the park / soft play / a museum / tesco, during the early evening while dh supervises tea, bath and bedtime while simultaneously trying to cook the dinner, once the kids are in bed while dh does the cleaning, when you get in after a long day out and there are several kids tantrumming on the kitchen floor.....

Unfortunately you may also need to go on several writers courses / research trips away during the weekends too.

Luckily your dh is very supportive.....