to be annoyed with dh and others for constantly asking my work plans?

[choplouey]

Dh works irregular shifts, his hours change at short notice, he is often on call and if theres an emergency he could (and does) disappear for days. He leaves at 6.30 a.m. and his earliest return is 7 p.m. He loves his career and does not want to change it. We have no family support.

We live in a small town where there are very few jobs besides care work, which I can't do because of the shifts. The nearest city is an hours drive away (on a good run) so if I worked there I'd have to finish at 4 p.m. to guarantee being back to collect the kids from after school club at 5.30 p.m. I am qualified and could find a job there but it's impossible to do logistically while we live here. The kids and I could move and dh work away, but he doesn't want to do that.

I'd like the opportunity to work but am also happy being a SAHM. However, dh and his friends/family are always asking what my work plans are once our youngest is a little older then give me a face when I say dhs career pretty much makes me working an impossibility.AIBU to find this bloody annoying or am I making myself sound like a lazy shirker and missing a way in which I could work?

Realsistically with your husband's job and the ages of your kids I'm surprised anyone is asking about work. I managed to work very part time with 4 kids under 6 but my work is 10 minutes from home meaning I can get home quickly if any of the kids are sick, my work are flexible and accomodating and my husband works regular hours meaning I can fit round him. Even with all these things in my favour it has still been incrediblt stressful and difficult and no good for family life. If I had the option to stay home, I probably would.

Could you retrain as a teacher, chop, or would you want to? Similar skills to a university lecturer minus the research element but much more family friendly due to school schedule matching with kids' breaks, mid-terms etc.

Seems a shame to waste all your time training and studying never being able to work again because of your DH's schedule. He is being selfish though by pursuing his own goals and then making unrealistic demands of you. Sounds like he has given no real thought to the sacrifice you are making or whether you are happy with the set-up.

Science, humanities, social science?

Mumoftwoyoungkids are you being serious? No, you can't be.

I agree that working at the moment clearly isn't an option. But you presumably have at least a degree and possibly a postgraduate qualification? Can they be used for other types of work than lecturing? For instance, people with psychology and social science degrees may go into something like HR.

OP you could contact the HoD of your local BigCity Uni and say, " I have a PhD, x years' teaching experience and y publications and I'd love to run seminars/ demonstrate/ delete as appropriate for you, but I can only work 10-4, can you use me?"

You might be surprised. I am an academic and associate lecturing staff come and go, many sign on for next years but then get permanent jobs and bail, some are so inexperienced you worry about their marking standards and so forth. I know my dept could find room for someone with actual lecturing experience and universities are accustomed IME to putting in timetable constraints for people with young DC.

That said, it should be your choice. You say your DH knows it is his job which is the problem. Sit down with him and spell it out properly even so. Say, I would like to work xxx hours, so who will look after DC then? Make him research childcare costs and commute times. He will see it is not practical.

As you mention JKR, I wonder if you are a creative writer. If so, point out the facilities you will need to write: one room of the house converted to an office, several hours a day guaranteed quiet writing time. Ask for his plans to fund this.

You could just tell them you are taking a FT job and that the DCs are now 100% their problem.

Honestly I'd tell DH and DMIK that they can sort afordable child care or shut the fuck up!

Next time they ask, tell his family:

'Oh I have found work, I work as a dominatrix. It is ideal as I get to work from home and my husband's work related absences give me plenty of scope to see the clients. Actually once you've paid out for the whips and chains and whatnot, it really is quite well paid. More tea?

Bet you, they never ask again

Or tell them 'DH will need to change jobs to be able to cover some of the child care'

On a slightly more serious note: are you doing anything to keep your academic profile up? Submitting journal articles, joining research groups, reading new publications?

As someone hoping to enter the cut-throat academic workforce in the next year or so, we are constantly counselled about the dangers of ending up de-skilled and out of touch with our field.

It could be that by the time you are ready to get back to work, that the job opportunities aren't there any more.

Firstly, it isn't about what anyone else thinks you should do, only what you want to do. If you do actually want to go back to work, then I'm sure we could put our heads together and come up with a workable plan for you.

BUT - if it's only your DH and family/friends nagging you, then tough!

I can understand your DH not wanting to be the main breadwinner, but you say he's quite happy for you to stay at home with the DC and doesn't want them in full-time childcare. He is also not prepared to make the changes to your domestic set-up that would be required for you to work.

Despite all this he want "extra" money to go on holidays.

Does he have any awareness at all of how expensive childcare is? In the long term, it may be beneficial to your whole family for you to return to work now, you'll be further along your career progression with better long-term earning potential. But in the short term, with childcare costs considered, it's very unlikely that the family pot would be significantly increased by you working. If anything, the family may end up worse off.

choplouey I know exactly what you mean in your original question.
When I had young kids (only the two) there seemed to be a certain type of person, who, even when you were in labour would ring you up asking when you intended to go back to work. Usually people with no kids, or whose kids had grown up. It's a bloody infuriating question.
I've never found the need to ask anybody because it's actually none of my business. I get it occasionally even now, when I've been shunted from pillar to post with DH's job, and am near retirement age.
What bugs me is that the question implies a judgement. Some of us are able to weigh up the pros and cons and work out how to live our lives. Do what you want, and do it confidently. One day you probably will go back to work, all in your own good time.

I'd probably reply to them that at this point work is tough but in 5 years or so it will become much more manageable and you might go back then.

I don't actually think having an OH who works weird hours makes it impossible for you to hold down a job (my OH is away most of the week) but the long commute to a city will probably be a problem.

I'm never sure why some women use partners with long/weird hours as an excuse not to work either. Many single parents seem to cope just fine. But what this is really about is a DH who wants the benefits of extra cash (which he is unlikely to get until the DC no longer require childcare) but won't make any accommodations to actually enable the OP to work.

I'm never sure why some women use partners with long/weird hours as an excuse not to work either. Many single parents seem to cope just fine.

In fact most lone parents work below their skill/qualification level, part-time, precisely because of childcare hours/affordability.

If you are so sure that it is an 'excuse' please explain how you would make it work.

AnnieLobeseder, if the OP were a single parent she could move to the city where there are actually jobs for her - she's stuck in a place where there's no work for her and her DH won't contemplate a move.

I also agree with Fideline about the number of LPs who are stuck in jobs way below their level of skills and qualifications.

I know her DH won't move, Imogen and Fedaline, I've said as much twice . I've also said it's her DH's unwillingness to move that's the real barrier rather than the hours he works. Did you not read my posts properly?

How other LP's make it work would depend on any number of variables unique to their particular situation, so I can't comment generally. But as you say, the OP could move closer to the city. But that's besides the point, as her DH refuses.

I was only pointing out that having a partner who is not reliably at home is not necessarily an impediment to working as LPs do it. I didn't comment on whether that work would be part-time or at a lower skill level. Indeed, the OP has also had it suggested to her that she work part time for similar reasons.

I know two lone parents who work as teachers. They are both perpetually knackered and stressed and have childcare issues, because teaching often requires working late e.g. for meetings and parents eves. I think the suggestion to keep skills up and be proactive about contacting relevant university departments to see if they can use you, is a good one, if you want to work. I am a teacher and DH is a lecturer, and his workplace are way more flexible about childcare issues.

I'm never sure why some women use partners with long/weird hours as an excuse not to work

Really? Gosh, you must have a very narrow mind then, because this is the case for many people including myself.
Sometimes it just isn't practical or cost efficient, that can't be so difficult to understand.

snake - no - I was being facetious.

Her dh basically wants her to earn large amounts of money whilst not inconveniencing him at all. I was thinking of ways he could be inconvenienced by it......

Obviously didn't read the same as it sounded in my head.....

I think you should tell your husband that you've been thinking for a while now, mainly since himself and family members have been asking, that you a really really do want to go back to work full time and seeing how you being at home with your children has been facilitating his career for so long, you feel it is his turn to stay at home and help you have the opportunity to be able to work any hours deemed fit to suit your goals.....that should shut him up and most likely have a word with all the rude people questioning why you aren't working. In fact if it is his family asking these questions again and again I'd be starting to worry they were insinuating my staying at home with the children was in some how leeching of their ds etc. so actually the first thing I'd do is tell them to mind their own damn business!!

Oh dear, it appears to be deliberately misunderstand Annie and get all offended day.

morethanpotatoprints Sigh. Of course I understand that the logistics of having a partner who works away/shifts/long hours make it more difficult to work, and that it may not seem worth the time/effort. So fair enough, don't work. It's a valid choice. But be honest and say "Because of DH's hours I prefer not to work". Not a thing wrong with that. But not having a partner around very rarely renders it absolutely impossible to work. Any women who truly wanted to could work (given a favourable job market of course - pretty much no-one can find a job at the moment) and find a way around the logistics if that was what they were determined to do. That doesn't make it any less valid a choice to not work under those circumstances.

You did use the word 'excuse' Annie. I know/have known quite a few women who would love to work and literally absolutely couldn't afford to or couldn't get childcare covering the required hours. If they had had willing family assistance and/or partners on regular hours, they probably could have returned to work. These women were incredibly frustrated and railing against it. NOT making excuses.

Annie if I were a lone parent I could move to the city, work part time and get the majority of my childcare costs paid for me. I'd actually be far easier than my current situation. I could work if the local shop if I truly wanted to, but it would be in no way financially beneficial - therefore I wouldn't say I'd prefer not to work. It just isn't viable.

Thank you for all your advice and tips for keeping my hand in. I will be trying to once baby is born and a year or so old.

I think that if a woman truly wanted to work and is capable of earning a good salary they would work. We live in the 21st century and women shouldn't be sacrificing their careers if they want one for their husband's career.
It will be very difficult for the OP to have a career as a lecturer now that she has four children but I suspect that if she really wanted a good job she would have stopped at two or three children.