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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To please, please ask for your positive stories of people getting well having been on HDU/ intensive care

985 replies

grobagsforever · 18/05/2014 12:30

DP was admitted last week and moved to HDU last night. They don't know what's wrong. He has fluid on belly, some kind of infection and impiared liver function. There is talk of moving him ti ICU. We seem to be waiting on endless tests. He is 35 we have a three year old and I am 7 months pregnant. I need him . Please tell me your positive stories of recovery from these situations.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 02/06/2014 22:30

Sending you love and my thoughts tonight, grobags. You're doing so well and it must be so utterly bloody hard. xxxxx

NorkyButNice · 02/06/2014 22:37

Good evening Gro, I read your thread and wanted to add another recommendation for trying mindfulness apps - if you a smart phone or tablet device I can recommend Simply Being but I'm sure there are many others.

Your DH does need you, he deserves to be getting care from you, other family, mostly the staff - I'm sure if you said that you were leaving for the evening they would be on the ball checking him especially since he's in a side room.

I worry that you have to give birth in a months time and you will be so exhausted, physically and mentally, that it will be a complete shock to the system.

Take care of yourself Gro.

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 03/06/2014 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunnytheeggrobat · 03/06/2014 09:27

Grobags hope you are ok today x

Mama1980 · 03/06/2014 17:08

Just checking in to say I'm thinking of your gro, I hope today has been a positive day x

isabellavine · 03/06/2014 17:36

Gro - sending good thoughts and hoping you got some rest last night Thanks. Do what feels right for you. Do you have a counselling service or a chaplain that you could use to talk things through? It must be so mentally overwhelming, nevermind physically tiring. x

PortofinoRevisited · 03/06/2014 18:12

It's not true that she won't remember. I remember the hospital visits. You dd must be scared and confused. She needs you. If I was your DH I would be furious that you were sleeping in a chair next to the bed at 8 months pregnant. I am shocked that the nursing staff/your midwives etc allow it. No hospital I have been in has ever allowed this.

ExCinnamon · 03/06/2014 18:46

Her dd is with loving grandparents. I'm sure she's having a great time.

Why try and make grobags feel guilty if she wants to stay with her dh?

Gro, thinking of you!

MrsMaturin · 03/06/2014 18:57

It's not about making people feeling guilty. Portofino is speaking from painful personal experience and I agree with her. Toddlers take in a lot more than we think. The dd in this case appears to have had both her parents just about disappear on her and whoever she's with I'm sure they are as sad and scared as Grobags is. This is a tough time for everybody but it's not making it easier for anyone for grobags to exhaust herself at the hospital. Her dd needs her too. This is why people have suggested the partner's parents taking over sometimes. I'm sure they would love to support their son and their grandchild needs her mum. She needs to see dad too if it's at all possible.
The old ideas about hiding difficult things from young children are well and truly out of date. Kids needs to know and see what is truly happening.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2014 19:09

My son was 3 when he had to go to SIL as his sister was in ICU.

She had a side room, as she had no immune system due to allogenic stem cell transplant for treatment of leukaemia.

They did their best to accommodate us as DD1 was but a child of 9 in a paed hospital, but there was no provision for sleeping in the room, so one of us had to do nights and the other days.

I had lived with her in her strict iso room for nearly 8 months before.

There was no way I could have sat 24 hours with her. I was so shattered by the time she got to ICU, as they do not want to put or keep patients there, that the very night she was put in, a friend, and MNer, spent the night with her in a hard chair until my husband was warble to take my son and daughter to his sister's 90 miles from our home.

Our surviving children were returned to us 4 days after their sister's death. So they were with SIL for 2.5 weeks.

My son remembers it.

yellowdinosauragain · 03/06/2014 19:17

Just popping on to send you a big hug grobags at the time you said you found hardest. Hope today has been a good one xxx

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/06/2014 19:49

Sad expat

yellowdinosauragain · 03/06/2014 20:11

(((((expat)))))
(((((3 year old portofino)))))

I wouldn't envy grobags with this impossible choice though. Presumably her dd is with people who love her. It might not be ideal but neither is having a dh in hospital with terminal cancer...

CrystalSkulls · 03/06/2014 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMaturin · 03/06/2014 20:29

Nobody is doubting the child is cared for but children need parents and parents need their children. In awful circumstance you have to do the best you can, as Expat has outlined and my heart goes out to her. The situation that grobags is describing is so hard but she wouldn't be doing anything wrong in spending more time with the little girl and less than 24 hours a day in the hospital. I think it's important to acknowledge that.

PortofinoRevisited · 03/06/2014 20:36

It's NOT an impossible choice though. Where are his parents? They can sit with him whilst Grobags goes home, gets a shower, eats food, sleeps, has her MW appointments and most importantly spends some time with her daughter. Of course it is important to spend time with him, but not to the exclusion of everything else.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2014 20:43

My children were loved. There is no finer mother than SIL. She took on my two on top of her three with nothing but support, as DD1 was so desperately ill, she never made it out of ICU.

But they do remember.

We roped in ANY help because the need was so great, and our child was not even terminal. MNers rallied, bringing us food and dropping it off at the desk, sitting in the waiting room, two known medics from here coming in when they could, among so many others including two bereaved mothers on here, one of whom was with us as our child left this life.

We were so grateful as no one can sit with even a child 24/7, especially because no provision to sleep in the room in ICU but the chair, even a paed ICU.

I was on about 6 cans of RedBull a day, going to shower in the onco unit and then kipping fully clothed on a camp bed in a room with the mobile glued in case of any news.

Rope in help. MN at its finest then and all the time she was sick.

No man is an island.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2014 20:49

I so agree, Portofino. My parents were on holiday, celebrating their 48th wedding anniversary when DD1 was taken into ICU. My sister rang, 'I am going to call them.'

They cut short their holiday, they were in the middle of a cruise. Made a 72-hour journey across 4 countries to get to us. Landed on my father's 76th birthday, and he has a stent and a defribillator in his heart. They took a taxi straight from the airport and were immediately admitted to her room, whereupon I was pretty much driven out to go and get some rest.

Wild horses could not have kept them from their grandchild! They landed and explained what was going on, as they had just been here a month before, and after a phone call to the hospital, were rushed through immigration and customs with a taxi at the ready.

LuluJakey1 · 03/06/2014 20:57

Just calling in to say am thinking about you gro and hoping today has been a better day and tomorrow is a better one again.

There are people here who could do with taking a step back and an objective look at what they are posting. No judgements, opinions or advice was asked for by OP. Only the OP knows fully what the situation is and it is only her and her DH's business- no one else's. The speculation, prying and pushing of personal views onto OP is amazing.

MrsMaturin · 03/06/2014 21:02

The op began this thread asking people to share stories. Some stories are harder than others to hear but it's only in hearing them that we can learn from them. There's a lot of truth on this thread from some very generous posters, sharing the worst times of their lives and they should NOT be attacked for that.

yellowdinosauragain · 03/06/2014 21:03

I don't disagree with any of you. Grobags definitely doesn't have to stay with her dh 24/7. And Portofino I'm so very sorry that this choice when you were in her dd's position has left you with upsetting memories.

However, currently grobags feels she needs to be with her dh. She is earlier in her journey with this than some of the rest of you were. Grobags has to be allowed to do what she feels is right for her and her family at the moment. Just as the rest of you did in this position.

But grobags please know that you're not failing your dh if you need some time away from the hospital or with your dd.

PortofinoRevisited · 03/06/2014 21:36

I don't recall saying that I had upsetting memories, yellowdinosaur. I am surprised that anyone with a 3 yo would not be thinking about how to get home to them and and keeping their life relatively normal vs staying in the hospital 24/7. Expat has posted about her experience and how hard it was for the other children.

LuluJakey1 · 03/06/2014 21:37

People are not being attacked for sharing accounts. Stop using emotive language.

The OP asked for personal stories of people who had survived HDU and ITU.

My point is about the people who have gone on to question her, judge her and criticise her. It is none of your business what choices she makes. She hasn't asked for advice.

Far too many people here who have forgotten this is not about them- it is about a woman who has been told her husband is terminally ill and was seeking the possibility of a bit of hope.

Last week, we had the ridiculous situation of a poster being offended and dramatic and alleging things which when mumsnet investigated they could find no evidence of.

I will continue to post support for OP and DH but really can not bear to read some of the nosy, bossy, self- centred, judgemental posts any more.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2014 21:39

Then I shall withdraw. I suppose I am one of those who is self-centred and judgey for sharing experience. How very silly of me.

Of course.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 03/06/2014 21:44

expat your experiences are ral and vivid and true and deserve to be heard.
your immense courage and bravery and desire to help others speaks volumes.