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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To please, please ask for your positive stories of people getting well having been on HDU/ intensive care

985 replies

grobagsforever · 18/05/2014 12:30

DP was admitted last week and moved to HDU last night. They don't know what's wrong. He has fluid on belly, some kind of infection and impiared liver function. There is talk of moving him ti ICU. We seem to be waiting on endless tests. He is 35 we have a three year old and I am 7 months pregnant. I need him . Please tell me your positive stories of recovery from these situations.

OP posts:
PassTheCakeitsbeenatough1 · 24/05/2014 22:36

I've name changed but have commented a few times up thread. Thinking of you and your family. I hope you've had a better day. A little thing that 'worked' for me in terms of coping was looking at the tiny steps, not constantly focusing on the bigger picture. I know how hard that is but once I stared thinking like that it got a little easier, I'm sorry you're going through this xxx

Original poster
grobagsforever · 24/05/2014 23:03

Mood so up and down. I wanted to throw myself off the building earlier. Didn't though.

OP posts:
Dumplings4ever · 24/05/2014 23:14

Grobag - I can't begin to imagine the terror that you're going through but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE look at your 3 year old DC and think about what they'd do without you.

How often does DC run to you for a cuddle because they've fallen over and hurt themselves?

How many times a day does he/she need a "mummy cuddle" - just because they're hurting/they're tired/someone was nasty to them/it's thundering etc etc.

They baby inside you needs a mummy.

I hope and pray that DH - YES, YOUR HUSBAND - how good does that sound!!! I hope that he recovers but please don't consider ending it all if things get too bad.

Your child (soon to be children) need a mummy - don't deny them of that.

Get help and support in RL and keep in touch with us xxxxxx

scarlettsmummy2 · 24/05/2014 23:25

Your babies need you. Just keep focusing on them to keep you going.

gussiegrips · 25/05/2014 00:32

So, you've asked for lots of stories of positivity.

Look at this thread. LOOK at them!

Don't go chucking yourself off a building. What if your DH goes the same way as any of these people that you've just read about? He's restored to himself, and, you're not there? That'd sour his recovery somewhat.

Glad the feelings are passing, that's a good sign. But, again, you actually articulated any of this to a real person?

Keep talking here, but, you know it'd be better support IRL. Go on. Tell someone.
x

Original poster
grobagsforever · 25/05/2014 02:07

A life without him would be intolerable. DC would be better off without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
grobagsforever · 25/05/2014 02:09

I'm losing the person who keeps me strong. I'll never be happy again. Why should I live that life?

OP posts:
PowerPants · 25/05/2014 02:36

Grobags - I am thinking of you, I so feel for you, please go and chat to McMillan people or others. You can get through this.

Original poster
grobagsforever · 25/05/2014 02:50

I only want him. Please tell me how I can ever be happy again? Do people ever manage?

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 25/05/2014 02:51

Try to concentrate on hour by hour right now grobags, and remember those positive stories. There's so much love and support being willed your way xxxxx find someone to talk to, who will hug you and hold you. The future seems utterly terrifying right now, I know, but there are people who will help you take things step by step. Thinking of you. xxxxx

SallyMcgally · 25/05/2014 02:54

Cross post. Yes. people do manage if the worst comes to the worst, because the love never goes. All that love and strength he gives you will stay there, and you'll share that with your beautiful girls as well. But look again at the thread. All those people who were told things were hopeless and who made it. xxx

Original poster
grobagsforever · 25/05/2014 02:57

It feels like a life sentence losing him

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 25/05/2014 03:06

The loss would be huge, I know. But it's so huge because what you have together is so rich, and that's what will give you the strength. The love never goes. It continues to grow actually. But you're not in that place, and please god you won't be. Think of all those miracles you've been told about. Wish I could give you a RL hug tight now.

Catrin · 25/05/2014 03:12

grobags I say this as kindly as i can, given the circumstances...

Congratulations on your marriage :) But... you are a mother. Before you were a wife, you were a mother. You are the mother of 2 children. I totally appreciate you feel your world is ending, but it is not. A bit of your world may, or may not leave you, but the rest of it continues. The loss of a parent, for me, at 30 something, I have not come to terms with. Your babies will never come to terms with it. So, I say this as nicely as I possibly can.... be a mother. Yes, you love him, of course you do. But do not, do not, sacrifice yourself in the name of love to the detriment of your babies. Be a mother.

Aussiemum78 · 25/05/2014 06:25

We spent 3 weeks in icu when dp was diagnosed with cancer. I thought we would never leave. I was thinking I had a funeral to plan.

That was 2 years ago. He had two surgeries and chemo and is doing well.

I know where your mind is now and can assure you, even though you want to be there for him, you need to sleep, to eAt properly and get support. The few sleepless nights I got nearly tipped me too.

Make one phone call. A best friend, your mum and tell them they need to help. They can call social workers/organise care/meals etc etc. you should also have your doctor check you over and see if anything can be prescribed for you. You are in shock.

Emotionally things will be tough. My dp would plead for me to hurry and get there while I took dd to school, then yell at me that it was sunny and I shouldn't be at hospital. He was irrational and I couldn't talk to him - I had to rely on others to be my sounding board. I dealt with it better when I slept and ate and even spent an extra 10 minutes shampooing my hair and looking after myself.

Just make one phone call op. Help will come.

thegreylady · 25/05/2014 07:51

Look again at my story love. Yes you will be happy again whatever happens. There may well be a miracle for your dh but if not there will be many little miracles for you. If you go who will share the beauty of your love with the children? Only you can share their Daddy with them in future. What would he want? You can't ask him but if you did would you want him to say,"Yes, die, leave the little ones orphans."?
The best gift you can give him is love and the expression of that love through the children.
Now, please, leave aside thoughts of what you would do and concentrate on what you can do now. Today, next week, next month and for however long you have together. Modern treatment can often add quite a while even to terminal cancer patients' life expectation. I will be thinking of you every day and if I can help in any way please pm me. I have walked in your shoes. It was nearly 30 years ago now, I am 70 years old and I am happy. I was at my dc graduations and their weddings, I have held their babies in my arms and yes, I missed their father grievously but I wouldn't have missed their growing up for anything.

thegreylady · 25/05/2014 07:53

Oh and Aussie is absolutely right. Make that phonecall.

lotsofcheese · 25/05/2014 08:03

Grobags: thinking of you & sending positive vibes your way.

Is there a Maggie's centre nearby for supporting you?

Has your DH been allocated a nurse specialist? They can offer advice & support - and are often a bit more human than consultants.

Take it an hour at a time. Big hugs xxxx

Original poster
grobagsforever · 25/05/2014 08:26

assiemom can you tell me anymore? Did your DH have to get off ICU before he could be treated? They won't treat DH because he is so ill.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 25/05/2014 08:57

Love: I think you are in shock.

Phone someone in RL and tell them how you feel, even phone the Samaritans first so you can get used to speaking about how you feel.

If the worst happens to your DH do you really think he will want you to take your life and leave your DCs as orphans.

The Grey Lady is giving you wonderful advice and she has walked in your shoes.

Hugs xxxxx

LuluJakey1 · 25/05/2014 09:23

grobags Is someone with you? Your parents or PIL or someone you can talk to? You need to be able to tell someone these thoughts.
There should be someone at the hospital who can be there for you.When my mum was very ill for what was the last time in January there was a Dr who made so much time for me, just to talk me through it and listen to me. They said they would not treat her 'aggressively' any more because there was no point and it was kinder to try and improve the quality of her time, and I was distraught and begged them and this Dr sat with me for 45 minutes of her break helping me to think through what was happening and listening, making me tea etc. I had to compose myself to go and see my mum and hold it together with her and the Dr was there at the end of visiting incase I needed her. She was lovely. She formed a bit of an attachment with my mum and me. I had a total meltdown several times over the weeks and she was just lovely.
Is there no one like that, caring and around for you and DH? I found that every time my mum was in hospital- lots in the last 3 yrs- there was always a nurse or a Dr who made time.
Everything you are feeling is normal- awful and scary but normal in a situation like this. You must be so terrified and angry and down to the bone sad and exhausted.
Is there someone there for you? If there is, please tell them. If there isn't ask the hospital for someone, say you need to talk to someone and just let it out.
Thinking of you both Thanks

lotsofcheese · 25/05/2014 09:35

Hospital chaplains can also be a great source of support: you don't need to be religious to have their service & they are available at weekends (unlike many support services).

ExCinnamon · 25/05/2014 10:04

grobags, your partner has given you two children. Whatever happens to him, a part of him lives on in them. Don't take their mum away from them.
Please tell someone how you feel. Do it for your partner as I'm sure he would hate for you to throw your and your children's life away.

Sending you strength.

Icimoi · 25/05/2014 10:10

Grobags, you know that DH wants you to be there for your children, come what may. You know that they certainly would not be better off without you. And you know that, if the worst happens, DH will live on through them.

Please get yourself some support and some rest.

Aussiemum78 · 25/05/2014 10:34

Dh had three weeks recovering from bowel resection. He lost 40cm (10 inches) of bowel and his digestive system went into paralysis. Couldn't eat or drink for weeks.

We also had to deal with a colostomy bag. He was only 40.

And he basically had a mental breakdown and was sedated for much of it.

We were told he needed chemo once he was well but at the darkest points, I really thought we wouldn't get there.

Your mind is in a really dark place but just trust me, if you can make the call for help and focus on a routine each day - sleep, eat, make dp comfortable - things will get clearer.

The other thing, bring someone when you meet with the doctor. Take a pen. You won't absorb everything when your emotions are high. Your mind will hear things wrong, you will over read and miss key details.