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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to cook tonight?

93 replies

CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 18:30

DH has opted out of family life this w/e - he's tutoring DS1 for exams.

All fetching and carrying over the w/e has been left to me. Including taking DS2 to an event tomorrow 30miles away, no public transport so I'll have to drive and wait. That's fine, not a problem. I get home this afternoon with a boot full of shopping to fnd he and DS2 have gone out to record numbers of an insect species for a charity he's involved with. Don't ask Hmm

Then I find he's been to the village where our butcher is and didn't get any meat! We go here for meat every week! Is it beyond the realms of possibility to think he could have text to see if anything was needed, ffs?
And when I got home at 2pm, ALL THE BLOODY BREAKFAST DISHES WERE STILL IN THE SINK. Angry

I'm feeling pretty bloody put upon at the moment and this bloody selfish twat behaviour hasn't helped.
How come he can't do 'family/house' stuff but can swan off for his fucking hobby?

I've done all the washing, all the shopping and lugged it in from the car and I'm DS2's taxi tomorrow.
And breathe...

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 17/05/2014 18:34

Doesn't sound to me like he has opted out at all. He is doing things with his children. But why not just get a takeaway as a treat for everyone rather than rant at him.

Sirzy · 17/05/2014 18:36

DH has opted out of family life this w/e - he's tutoring DS1 for exams

How is helping your son opting out of family life?

You have all been busy get a takeaway

Bookaboosue · 17/05/2014 18:36

Order pizza and tell him MN says it's ok Smile

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 18:38

I feel as if he has opted out because I've had to pick up all the shitty jobs whilst he's been tutoring in a subject he loves so it isn't a chore and then clearing off to do his hobby.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 17/05/2014 18:40

It may not be a chore for him but it certainly isn't opting out, he is helping his son with his schoolwork.

I didn't know it only counted if you don't enjoy it!

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 18:41

DS doesn't actually need help, he's just very lazy so he gas him practically under house arrest to do his revision.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 17/05/2014 18:43

Maybe opting out of 'family life' isn't the case, but he's certainly opting out of all the grunt work, boring chores, etc. I'm sure most of us would rather just spend time with our kids and not do any housework.

As a one-off it doesn't seem too bad but I'd guess it's not a one-off if you're this irritated by it.

SpringBreaker · 17/05/2014 18:44

You went shopping.. And threw washing into the machine , so unless you carried it down to your nearest river to wash then walked home carrying all the bags It isn't really on a par with weeding the garden or cleaning the gutters..

ICanSeeTheSun · 17/05/2014 18:44

DS exams are important, much more important than a joint of meat for Sunday lunch.

I hope they are out in the garden revising, the weather is too nice to be indoors.

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 18:46

No dreaming it isn't a one off. He gets loads of time for himself but still seems to do less house/family stuff than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 18:48

I wonder if he'll fuck off to uni with DS to make sure he does the work there? Hmm

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2014 18:52

Yabu, sorry! He's doing stuff with the children, that isn't opting out. Don't cook if you don't feel like it, but don't be in a huff about it.

whatchatalkinboutwillis · 17/05/2014 18:52

would you rather he didn't tutor your son and have him potentially fail?

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 18:59

Well if DS (who is pretty bright but extremely lazy) doesn't learn to motivate himself then he will fail once out in the Big Bad World fending for himself without Dearest Daddy helicopter parenting behind him.

OP posts:
FunnyFoot · 17/05/2014 19:15

OP just order a take away and have a meal together as a family.

Why didn't you tutor DS?

It has only been a week not the last 6 months OP. Yes he could have washed up or maybe gone to the butchers but if you wanted him to do stuff while you were out why didn't you just ask?

Frankly the way you are talking about your DS & DH it does not sound like you like them very much. Are you jealous of their relationship OP?

If your son fails when he goes out in to the world on his own so be it but at least your DH has done all he can while he was still in your care.

gobbin · 17/05/2014 19:15

No doubt if results day goes well you'll be thanking your DH for all his hard work with DS, yes? If not then shame on you. Stop whinging and get the dishes washed, you shouldn't be competitive parenting WITHIN a family. All hands to the pump during exam season in our house.

ICanSeeTheSun · 17/05/2014 19:19

I will be on DC back until the time when they are fully qualified.

No way are they are going to be like me and DH struggling in dead end jobs.

middleagedspread · 17/05/2014 19:19

Could you swap tomorrow? DH can do taxiing/cooking/tidying and you can tutor DS?
BTW, I'd be grumpy too. Order a takeaway & have a glass of wine.

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 19:20

I didn't tutor DS vecause I don't have the degree in that subject!
It isn't a one off, DH has it pretty damn good really. So I feel entitled to have a whinge about his particularly selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 17/05/2014 19:20

Sorry but you sound like hard work. You are doing what millions of people do all the time. So you have had to do the shopping a wash a few dishes. Do you usually flip out about such things? Your DH has been helping your child prepare for exams. But you are mad about that because he loves the subject Hmm

zipzap · 17/05/2014 19:24

I'd be hacked off too OP if DH managed to do all the fun bits in the name of 'family' but none of the other bits... I'm sure he could have done the washing up at the same time as tutoring - I bet he wasn't actively handholding and explaining stuff to your ds all that time...

I'd say that it's your turn to tutor tomorrow and send dh to the event with ds2... (assuming you are happy to 'tutor' ds1 too!) After all - if it is for the sake of the family - then it shouldn't matter who tutors and who does the driving!

redandchecker · 17/05/2014 19:28

I don't see how he has opted out of family life..
He's tutoring your DS and spending time with him.
You've done some washing and shopping..
You are being harsh on you DH but you would not be unreasonable to have a take away. Get yourself a glass of wine too. Wine

gobbin · 17/05/2014 19:33

I don't have a degree in my DS's A level subjects either but I can make sure he is doing past papers, marking them from the mark scheme AND do the washing, load the dishwasher, have a bath, do some of my own work, drive, cook. Hell I can even fit in a whinge about teachers' workload on the way to doing my hobby. Your household sounds pretty standard so I do think YABU, sorry.

gobbin · 17/05/2014 19:34

p.s. Get a curry in

FunnyFoot · 17/05/2014 19:43

How is he being selfish?

He has given over his time to tutor your son. Does your DH work as well?

If he has it easier all the time then you need to stop whinging behind his back and sit down with him and go through the family responsibilities. Much more productive OP.

By the way I am not saying you can't have a whinge but given this scenario it was probably not the best one to lose your cool about.

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