To refuse to cook tonight?

[CrestaRun]

DH has opted out of family life this w/e - he's tutoring DS1 for exams.

All fetching and carrying over the w/e has been left to me. Including taking DS2 to an event tomorrow 30miles away, no public transport so I'll have to drive and wait. That's fine, not a problem. I get home this afternoon with a boot full of shopping to fnd he and DS2 have gone out to record numbers of an insect species for a charity he's involved with. Don't ask

Then I find he's been to the village where our butcher is and didn't get any meat! We go here for meat every week! Is it beyond the realms of possibility to think he could have text to see if anything was needed, ffs?
And when I got home at 2pm, ALL THE BLOODY BREAKFAST DISHES WERE STILL IN THE SINK.

I'm feeling pretty bloody put upon at the moment and this bloody selfish twat behaviour hasn't helped.
How come he can't do 'family/house' stuff but can swan off for his fucking hobby?

I've done all the washing, all the shopping and lugged it in from the car and I'm DS2's taxi tomorrow.
And breathe...

He is being presurised. He's really clever but hasn't worked very hard this year & I've told H this and he's ignored it. Now H is panicking & cramming him.

I half hope DS1 chooses not to go to uni. An apprentice scheme is starting at H's workplace. DS would love it but H has said he's not going to tell him about it as he wants him to go to uni.

Ds needs to know about the apprenticeship so he can make the right, informed decision.

Dh is sounding more tricky the more you reveal.

Leaving to take DS2 out, might be difficilt to get online so will return later. Thanks.

I started by thinking YABU but the more you reveal about your DH I think I've changed my mind!

By does he have to help ds1 revise? Can you not do it sometimes? He had his go at helping ds1 yesterday, it's your turn to help him today.

It's all very well saying that dh is pulling his weight if he's helping his ds revise; but it's the cherry picking of the plum jobs and then giving up on them to go do his hobby that is the unfair thing.

Could you tell dh that taking ds2 is perfect for him as he can use the time waiting for ds to do his hobby - or do they not have natural history where ds2 is going?

Good luck - it's going to be a difficult struggle to get him to see that he isn't married to a fifties housewife like his dad was, however much he might want to be!

Yanbu.

Hang on he is helping DS1 revise who must be 16 or older ? To the extent he can't do anything else ?

The three of them at their ages turn their noses up at your meals ?

Time for change

Managed to get online.

I have left him a few jobs to do whilst he tutors DS1. I'm really going to get strict with them now, 'cause I can't put up with feeling like a skivvy much more.

If he can't 'see' what needs doing, then he'll have to be told what to do, won't he?

This weekend has really opened my eyes to the imbalance in our life.

If you've tried to talk to him without success have you considered couples counselling?

He won't consider counselling. I think he knows he has it easy and thinks they'd agree with me.

It needs me to stop letting him take advantage of my (mostly!) good nature.

It really is down to you to enforce boundaries OP. I do think stopping cooking would be helpful as it is one area where you are most underappreciated.

Thanks EverythingCounts. I hate cooking, but am ok at it and it is quite demoralising to have to hear them sigh and whinge every time they come to the table.
I make sure they eat good food too; healthy, free range meat etc and they don't give a toss about my efforts.

Cresta, cook something for yourself that you can freeze and reheat. At least a few times a week just don't cook for them. But make sure you have something nice. They are all old enough to be doing things for themselves.

Well! Go home and the jobs have been done! Whst a pity I had to lose my temper to see any effort and I still had to tell him what needed doing.

He's so stubborn he wouldn't have done them if he thought I was overreacting. So by doing them he's kind of (in my eyes) admitted he was wrong.

Does this mean I need to leave him a list?? He's off this week, yet more revision for DS2 so I think he can do the laundry this week.

Yes, plus shopping and cooking for two meals. Go on, start setting those boundaries. You've got some momentum now.

What EverythingCounts said. Leave him a list of jobs.

Make a rota. Only cook on your cooking nights. Play hard ball. Stop making empty threats.