To refuse to cook tonight?

[CrestaRun]

DH has opted out of family life this w/e - he's tutoring DS1 for exams.

All fetching and carrying over the w/e has been left to me. Including taking DS2 to an event tomorrow 30miles away, no public transport so I'll have to drive and wait. That's fine, not a problem. I get home this afternoon with a boot full of shopping to fnd he and DS2 have gone out to record numbers of an insect species for a charity he's involved with. Don't ask

Then I find he's been to the village where our butcher is and didn't get any meat! We go here for meat every week! Is it beyond the realms of possibility to think he could have text to see if anything was needed, ffs?
And when I got home at 2pm, ALL THE BLOODY BREAKFAST DISHES WERE STILL IN THE SINK.

I'm feeling pretty bloody put upon at the moment and this bloody selfish twat behaviour hasn't helped.
How come he can't do 'family/house' stuff but can swan off for his fucking hobby?

I've done all the washing, all the shopping and lugged it in from the car and I'm DS2's taxi tomorrow.
And breathe...

Certainly sounds bad Cresta. Without wishing to patronise, have you sat down and calmly discussed how much this is upsetting you? From what you've written it sounds as if perhaps you've been too inclined to keep quiet about it most of the time, resulting in the occasional blow up. That's not healthy.

I have tried that UncleT. Water off a duck's back. When the DC were little I was a SAHM so just got on and did it all and thus made a rod for my own back.

He is aware of my feelings. And wonders why he doesn't get much sex!

For an intelligent guy, he's a bit thick.

Is there any trusted third party who he might pay attention to? Might sound stupid, but occasionally other halfs don't fully understand what's going on in their own home until someone else from outside makes things clear to them. When I was younger (student), there were times when, I'm sorry to say, it was only my brother who made me see what a jerk I was acting towards my partner.

Don't think so unfortunately. I did once try to get MIL (who he holds in great esteem) onside, but she just said 'well that's how we did it in my day'. So I may as well have not bothered!

His parents had a very traditional marriage, so that's what he thinks marriage should be like.

Explains an awful not in fact. Does he have many other redeeming features though?

Yes, he's the cleverest, funniest, smartest person I've ever met. Really super clever. He is a great Dad, would move Heaven & Earth for them.

He's stuck with me when I've been an absolute mare.

All good things, but then they are offset by the bad.

Very difficult. I feel for you, but try to keep raising the issue as constructively and constantly as possible.

Make a list of all the jobs you do. Hold a family meeting and get them to create a rota. There's no reason DH can't cook. dS can cook the next night.

Place copies of the rota in critical places - the loo, by the kettle, on the fridge.

Leave jobs undone if you are not rotated

Hmm the cooking! Every single night when I dish up, they all sigh and whinge about what I'm serving! Every. Single. Night. But they are so fussy! One won't eat chicken/pork, one won't eat cheese, one eats barely anything.

If I kicked off about their shortcomings every time I'd blow a gasket. Usually I just ignore but occasionally threaten to let them take a turn cooking. The thing is, I am not a quiet shy type and people in RL would be amazed I tolerate such crap .

Oh, I'd stop cooking for the rest of them right now in that case. They will of course eat nothing but crisps for a fortnight but at least it's not your problem or a while. And the novelty will wear off.

Seriously, I would just say you are giving up the cooking and food shopping for the next two weeks and then you want to sit down and review the situation.

YANBU. You're not a bloody house elf.

I don't think YABU at all. Shopping, washing and cleaning are boring - especially at weekends. OK so he's helping your son but for how long? I see he still had time to fit in a hobby.
If I was you I'd put my feet up at the first opportunity and get him to order the takeaway and dish it out.
What YABU about is expecting sympathy on here after making yourself such an easy target!

YANBU! And you sound like me. Every gripe you have made -I have the same problem here. I have tried talking to them all, writing to do lists, drawing up rotas. The only thing that gets the occasional thing done is me flipping out completely and then of course the problem lies with me nagging and being stroppy. I am close to walking...... (sorry no help for you in all this)

well if they don't like your cooking, do not cook for them, or the next time they winge whip it out from under their nose and give to the dog/bin/freezer.

Thanks

Saucyjack, I like the term 'house elf'. Will use that if the need arises!

chocolatemademefat, I didn't see it as expecting sympathy, I felt strong enough to defend myself against the people who think I was unfair to him, but I agree I was an easy target!

Freckletoes, sorry you are experiencing the same, it's shit, isn't it?

BlackeyedSusan, I do threaten to bin sometimes when I'm particularly ratty! They haven't learnt yet though. Idiots!

Oh well, today's another day. I'm in a better frame of mind, had a good sleep so will see what today brings.

Might be interesting to think about your parents' marriage and see if you're repeating any patterns of behaviour.

Expecting your family to read your mind and then sulking is an understandable but fruitless exercise.

Sulking and sleeping on the sofa to prove a point is a bit childish and passive aggressive.

You need a respectful and honest chat with clear consequences. Good luck!

i think anyone critising you is well out of order - they are in a different set up with different people. its really hard to change people. my husband's job was rubbish, which he then delegated to the kids. each week i have to remind them to put it out and then for at least 3 days remind them to bring bins in. just don't do it i hear people say - well what do you think would happen then? we'd be awash with rubbish and rats and too much rubbish for council to remove.

Montegomongoose, my parents also had the traditional marriage my inlaws had. My DM is a slave to the housework and I loathe all domestic stuff

I'm certainly not like her in that respect. She can be PA though, so I'm sure if I am, it is learned behaviour. I don't see sleeping on the sofa as PA though. Is it? I was not feeling very friendly, so removed myself from the bedroom so as to sleep in peace.

So yesterday when I was ranting & raving, I told DH I wasn't doing the taxi-ing today for DS2.
DH has now just told me that he won't take DS2, as ge needs to help DS1 revise.

If I refuse to take DS2 he's going to miss out through no fault of his own. If I take him, DH has achieved his objective.

It's official: I am married to an Arse.

Oh dear Cresta dh is playing chicken with you; who'll blink first and all that.

I agree that he's being a twat and ds2 is stuck in the middle.

What are you going to do?

How old is DS2?

He's 15 - DS2 that is, not DH although he's acting like a 15yr old.

I am not taking him. Feel bad for DS2 but can't back down.

Take ds2 Cresta. Then have the rest of the day out with him. Dont cook have a picnic in a park. Leave dh and ds1 to their revision. Go home when you and ds2 are ready and enjoy the sunshine. Leave everyone to sort out their own supper if they dont appreciate what you make. (flowers)

Tell H [ he's no darling] that the time he spends with ds2 is ds1's brain break and he can hot house him when he's back.

Honestly, it sounds like ds1 is being pressurised by your H.