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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to cook tonight?

93 replies

CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 18:30

DH has opted out of family life this w/e - he's tutoring DS1 for exams.

All fetching and carrying over the w/e has been left to me. Including taking DS2 to an event tomorrow 30miles away, no public transport so I'll have to drive and wait. That's fine, not a problem. I get home this afternoon with a boot full of shopping to fnd he and DS2 have gone out to record numbers of an insect species for a charity he's involved with. Don't ask Hmm

Then I find he's been to the village where our butcher is and didn't get any meat! We go here for meat every week! Is it beyond the realms of possibility to think he could have text to see if anything was needed, ffs?
And when I got home at 2pm, ALL THE BLOODY BREAKFAST DISHES WERE STILL IN THE SINK. Angry

I'm feeling pretty bloody put upon at the moment and this bloody selfish twat behaviour hasn't helped.
How come he can't do 'family/house' stuff but can swan off for his fucking hobby?

I've done all the washing, all the shopping and lugged it in from the car and I'm DS2's taxi tomorrow.
And breathe...

OP posts:
Casmama · 17/05/2014 19:45

By all means get a takeaway but unless there is a lot more to it you need to lighten up!
You've done shopping and washing, he's done tutoring and some stuff for charity.
The lift for ds2 is not a big deal and you sound very bitter and critical. From the information you have presented here it sounds like you are totally overreacting.

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 20:03

FunnyFoot, he's being selfish because every weekend is all about him, his hobby. And also in the week when he's off. He spends every free waking hour doing his hobby because good old Cresta picks up the slack (all the time) behind the scenes. And mostly, I don't mind. He's happy, the DC are happy and life plods on with me supporting everyone in the background.

But today I've really flipped about this. I feel very under appreciated and it is not a nice feeling.

OP posts:
FunnyFoot · 17/05/2014 20:07

But you said non of this in the OP and I don't have physic powers. You were just whinging about this week, which didn't make him selfish.

Frankly OP if he is winding you up this much and is so selfish then talk to him or leave him.

Don't play the martyr OP it is not a good look.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/05/2014 20:07

Sorry but you sound very jealous of your DH and DS. He's helping his son, that's more than pulling his weight. Yabu. You sound like you give them all a hard time.

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 20:15

True Funny, I've committed the cardinal sin of drip feeding.

To say I was venting on here is an understatement! I do feel a lot better for having my rant though. He hasn't apologised but has washed up so all is well with the world. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't believe he was in the wrong, so it is an apology I guess.

OP posts:
FunnyFoot · 17/05/2014 20:19

Talk more and rant less Cresta or nothing will change.

I do feel like this sometimes but I just tell DH what wrong as in "I have been doing a, b & c all day and you haven't even washed up! Do you think that's fair?"
This usually works and DH then goes and does whatever he should have before and usually brings me a nice cup of tea wine Grin

samsam123 · 17/05/2014 20:21

its one day get over it and get a pizza leave dishes until tomorrow and calm down dear

samsam123 · 17/05/2014 20:22

if you feel like that get divorced

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2014 20:33

What is his hobby?

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 20:42

It's natural history.

No point talking Funny. Been trying for years and they all blithely continue in their own little way. I end up simmering for ages and then really lashing out which obvs isn't great.

I feel a bit like a bloody housekeeper tbh.

OP posts:
middleagedspread · 17/05/2014 20:54

I'm with you Cresta. Why should you do all the drudgery while DH does all the jolly stuff?
Of course you'd be better off having a straight talk with him than simmering with rage.

dreamingofsun · 17/05/2014 21:01

know just how you feel. i seem to have been doing jobs most of the day whilst they all chill as per usual and if i ask for any help they moan and complain - and i'm talking here about helping me lift something heaving etc not the whole job. Husband did a BBQ but that just resulted in a load of extra work for me.

If you find a solution crestarun please let me know. u r not alone

Mintyy · 17/05/2014 21:03

Yanbu. Tutoring and hobbies are great, but housework, shopping and cooking all need to be done. There is no reason for all of that to fall to one person in a relationship. It would have taken him 15 minutes to do the breakfast dishes and 2 minutes to buy meat from the butcher.

Yanbu at all.

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 21:06

Thanks. Can I just say, no dinner has been cooked and they've not eaten because unless I organise it, it doesn't bloody happen!

Sod the lot of them, they're big enough and ugly enough to sort themselves out. I'm off to bed soon and letting them get on with it!

OP posts:
FunnyFoot · 17/05/2014 21:08

Order yourself a take away OP and when it arrives and they ask where theirs is tell them they know how to use a phone Grin

whatchatalkinboutwillis · 17/05/2014 21:11

you really don't sound as if you actually like your DH very much... Hmm

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 21:13

Today I don't whatchatalkinboutwillis...

OP posts:
UncleT · 17/05/2014 21:14

I agree with what - there's a huge amount of general animosity evident in what you say. If he never helps around the house then one can understand why you're feeling that way, though at least he's taking an interest in his son. Doesn't win him a husband of the year award of course, but it's better than many do (which is a shame to have to say).

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 21:15

I might just 'opt out' of cooking, cleaning and all the other chores that running a house & family entails.

I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight, to prove my point.

OP posts:
UncleT · 17/05/2014 21:18

How is the overall division of labour generally? I get the distinct impression that a straw is starting to break a camel's back here.

whatchatalkinboutwillis · 17/05/2014 21:19

But he's not 'opting out', as you put it. He's helping your son with his education. If that means that he can't do household chores today then so be it, but what he's doing is just more important that housework. Sleeping on the sofa won't reverse the fact that he didn't help you today so I'm not really sure what you think it'll achieve.

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 21:20

I've been musing the tutoring thing and think it's because he decided not to go to uni and did his degree via OU. Yet, he's obsessed with the DC going.

He's actually living vicariously through our DC. Wonder what he'd say if they chose not to go?! That would be interesting.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 17/05/2014 21:21

It does change things significantly now you've said this is a permanent state of affairs. Do you have a weekend hobby? If not I suggest you get one pronto and declare you are now unavailable every Saturday till 4pm (or whatever) until further notice, and that also means you will be too tired to cook Sat evenings so the rest of the family had better make a rota.

Pumpkinpositive · 17/05/2014 21:23

Well if DS (who is pretty bright but extremely lazy) doesn't learn to motivate himself then he will fail once out in the Big Bad World fending for himself without Dearest Daddy helicopter parenting behind him.

You don't sound like you like either of them much. Confused

That said, get a takeaway in.

Original poster
CrestaRun · 17/05/2014 21:25

UncleT - it's crap. I do it all, unless I tell him to do sonething and I don't tell him often enough. We both work, me less hours and I have no problem with doing a bit more than him but it does get very wearing to be the one doing everything. He's been on holiday this week and has done nothing except his hobby.

I really do feel like I'm about to snap.

OP posts:
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