to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

I am really quite interested in how a child with profound disabilities could remain undiagnosed
Obv I understand the undiagnosed medically but on a normal academic level, I struggle to understand why their disabilities would remain invisible ?

We don't eat fishfingers, veg nuggets or whatever either, but we have some in the freezer for the very PURPOSE of being able to ensure that playdates are catered for.

It is important to us that playdates have a good time and want to come again. I keep food for then in the same way as I keep a craft box full of shit and Disney DVDs. The are the TOOLS for playdates and if we want to engage in that social phenomena we make sure we have them.

I haven't read the whole thread but you are talking about children with 'profound' disabilities and if you are talking about mainstream, then I imagine you mean academically ?

Owllady, I agree. It can take far too long for ASD to be diagnosed, and some difficulties are so complex that they may never be diagnosed. But the point is that the results of those difficulties will be pretty obvious.

Equally, of course, some difficulties will be subtle and they may be dismissed for too long as something like bad behaviour on the part of the child concerned. However, again in that situation the parent is likely to know at least how the problem is manifesting itself and to be able to do what they can to smooth the way when dealing with, in particular, visits to the child's friends.

Off out now, carry on with the buns.

'I am really quite interested in how a child with profound disabilities could remain undiagnosed'

Well how profound do you mean? Profound enough to be one of the huge number of people in prison in their adulthood?

Profound enough to cause a suicide success or attempt before the age of 25 by 1 in 5 young people with ASD (usually because their needs have been ignored and/or denied for so long).

academic levels and 'disability' have absolutely no relation unless you are talking about learning disability.

For what it's worth, I don't think the OP did much wrong apart from getting upset, as well as taking the fussiness personally, and not offering simple alternatives at breakfast (crumpets, toast, fruit, yoghurt she said she had in the house, and cereal, which she probably also had). If the girl ate - good, if not - whatever. The pizza she made could easily be eaten by someone else or frozen. Same with the biccies. It's not like the OP had to bin her precious food. The girl told her mum she wanted pizza for breakfast. So what? She might have just fancied it, as she must have been quite hungry. I have had pizza for breakfast on occasion. It's only food - a bread base with a tomato sauce and cheese.

The important thing on sleepovers is that the DC are safe, happy and have a good time

Indeed, icimoi.
If the child has issues with eating in someone else's house, or will only eat Brand X pizza (and definitely not home made pizza, with self-chosen toppings) then her mother should definitely have made sure the host family were fully aware of this and suggested ways in which they could support the child.

Not only for her own child's sake but also to make sure the host family don't feel awkward and worried. The little girl she was visiting might have felt very bad and been embarrassed that her friend was refusing to eat her mum's food.

Or they can even be academically ahead, as with many children with Aspergers/HFA..

Yes, there are children with disabilities, but there are also children who are entirely pampered by their parents. DD1 had a friend who wouldn't eat "food with lumps in" (this was still late primary school, year 5 and 6), so her mother used to puree all of her food. Her speech was very indistinct, because she had never chewed anything, and she had a few years of speech therapy because of this (and she is still quite difficult to understand on occasion). It wasn't that she couldn't chew, it was that she wouldn't chew, as it was easier for her to have a bowl of mushed up food and shovel it in with a spoon. Lazy and pampered, and now, age 15, she still struggles to use a knife and fork.

(I am not dismissing children with disabilities - my friend's son with autism has a very restricted diet - she tells me what he will eat, down to the exact brand and shape of gluten free pasta, and I provide it - but let's face it, there are an awful lot of "precious" children, whom the world revolves around, out there.)

She was absolutely not overwhelmed and they played happily. My dcs were very kind too and let her choose which film to watch, what to play with etc. Even when she was being a bit bossy they let it go and didn't argue or anything. She was chatting away to me about everything. I wondered what the actual problem was with the food but didn't want to ask her why she didn't want it. Like I said I assumed she just wasn't hungry at first.

It is the fact that you offered pancakes but nothing else for breakfast which gets me. I also would have offered toast not apples.

Well, that was a lovely dinner.

DD, DH and I had roast chicken, new potatoes with watercress, green beans and sweetcorn. DDs friend had chicken nuggets, waffles, sweetcorn a slice of roast chicken and two green beans that she declared "aren't bad actually"

The girls are now eating cornettoes in the sun (and no OP, they weren't homemade)

LtEveDallas I don't think there's anything unhealthy about those kind of chicken nuggets at all, is there?

So OP, now you know they weren't homemade, why do you consider them unhealthy crap then? Is it the freezing process that makes them unhealthy? Is it the fact that you didn't chop up the chicken breast yourself? Or bake the bread from which to make the breadcrumbs? Is it the fact that they only take about 20 mins to cook (the same as a homemade pizza).

Why are chicken nuggets so unhealthy you need to sneer about them?

The frozen chicken nuggets in the supermarket I use are not healthy - i wouldn't buy them. Never seen the ones you describe. I make my own, then I know they are healthy.

Yes, I was about severe and profound learning disabilities, physical disabilities and complex medical needs
If at helps
You are incredibly hostile and I understand why, but you need to work out who your enemy is

So am I to gather from this thread that if you check what a child likes before they come to your house but then they refuse to eat it that you should make them something else that they will eat regardless of whether you can afford it or not? Because in the OPs situation I know of some parents that would not be able to afford to provide them with something different... or should they just not have other children over?

they have slept on boats going through tropical rivers and had to eat whatever the cook served up.

I wouldn't buy them. Never seen the ones you describe. I make my own, then I know they are healthy.

Oh come on, it's got to be 'House' now, surely?

Never seen the ones you describe

Well that's some shit supermarket then. You must live in a really bad area if none of the major supermarkets want to set up shop there