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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Which of the is being unreasonable? (trigger warning – termination so please don’t read if this subject upsets you)

78 replies

Bluetonic123 · 16/05/2014 15:45

I don’t normally post on here (although I lurk because I am in a relationship with a guy with children and I am getting to know them and am doing my best to do it properly and avoid stepping on their mother’s toes) but I have a situation with some friends and was wondering what you thought this situation.

I have one friend who has been trying to have a baby for over two years. It’s not happening for her and her fiancé and for some reason, they are very adverse to speaking to a medical professional about it so they don’t know what the issue is or even if it’s just bad luck.

I have another friend who is pregnant and does not want to be and has decided to have a termination.

I am as supportive as I can be to both.

The 2nd friend did not want to tell the 1st friend about the pregnancy as she thought it would be too painful but she guessed as my mate was vomiting a lot and asked directly. The 2nd friend was honest about not wanting to keep the baby and the 1st friend just started shouting at her about how she was ungrateful and saying some awful things about how she should keep the baby. It was really horrible and they were both crying. The girl who is having the termination does not want to see or speak to the other girl again. The girl who is trying for a baby maintains that she was just saying what she thought and thinks that it was insensitive of the girl to tell her, even though she asked directly.

To put this into context – the mate who is trying has very well-off parents, a well-paid job and a fiancé with the same. Because of this they are fortunate enough to own a family home outright in a desirable area of London at the age of 30. In contrast my other friend earns very little and rents a room in a house with four other people. She has no savings and her parents are not in a position to give any money at all. She is also single, and the father put the phone down on her when she told him she was pregnant and she has no other way of getting in touch with him. Their situations couldn’t be any more different.

I can understand that it must be painful for my friend who is trying to conceive but I think that her reaction was totally unreasonable and that she owes my other friend an apology. But I have never wanted my own children (never say never though) so worry I am perhaps being insensitive to her feelings.

Which of them (if any) are being unreasonable?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 16/05/2014 15:48

Shouting at any woman who has taken the decision to have a termination is unreasonable.

NoIamAngelaHernandez · 16/05/2014 15:48

Neither. It is really hard for both of them.

The trying friend should not have laid into the other friend, but may be beside herself and bot be able to see the other friends situation clearly.The other friend could maybe have been more sensitive, but it is up to her what she does with her own body.

TinyTear · 16/05/2014 15:51

no one is being unreasonable, but if one of them is, i would say the one TTC...

as hard as it is, and i have suffered from miscarriages, i would never dream of telling someone else what to do with their lives...

i can cry and be angry by myself or with trusted friends, but not at someone having to face a termination

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 16/05/2014 15:53

The friend who did the shouting. It is understandable that she is hurt, but it is not the other friend's fault she is finding it hard to conceive. The friend going through a termination will also be upset about the situation. She does not deserve someone imposing their own views on her. It is nothing to do with shouty friend.

Shouty friend owes other friend an enormous apology. Please offer your friend having the termination lots of support.

Shakirasma · 16/05/2014 15:55

The shouts friend is being totally unreasonable. It's none of her business and I'm sure your other friend didn't ask for her opinion.

Whilst i can see why she is finding the idea of termination hard due to her desire to be pregnant, her life and circumstances are totally unrelated to your other friends life and circumstances.

I hope your pregnant friends is ok. Just try and be supportive to both your finds and their individual issues but don't allow the 2 separate situations to become mixed up.

Morgause · 16/05/2014 15:57

The shouty friend was vile. She needs to apologise but if I was the other friend I don't think I'd want anything to do with her ever again.

eightyearsonhere · 16/05/2014 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 16/05/2014 16:02

Shouty friend is very unreasonable. Dont blame the other one bit for wanting to cut ties.

Original poster

Bluetonic123 · 16/05/2014 16:04

I have no idea why she won't go to the doctor. I don't know if it's her or her fiance or both if them who aren't keen. She just says she doesn't want to.

I think she's maybe scared of finding out that they can't have children at all.

I feel really bad for her but I think she's been really out of order on this occasion.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2014 16:04

She sounds like an utter bitch to be honest. Even wanting a baby badly, does not excuse her behaviour imo.

If I was your friend I wouldn't want anything to do with her either...and she could shove any attempt at an apology up her arse sideways.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 16/05/2014 16:07

Shouty friend, of course.

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 16:08

Neither are unreasonable.

The friend who is trying deserves some compassion and understanding, and while she shouldn't have shouted, I think her reaction is completely understandable.

I don't think the trying friend owes the other an apology any more than the pregnant friend owes anyone an apology.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/05/2014 16:11

They are both entitled to their opinions and to voice them. However TTC friend has gone OTT about it. There are ways to get your opinion across without offending others. I'd probably mumble something about needing to go home, and break a plate or something instead of being horrible to a friend like that.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/05/2014 16:11

The one TTC is totally unreasonable. Your pregnant friend tried to keep it from her but she asked her, what was she supposed to say.

Of course it is sad she is having trouble conceiving but whether your other friend keeps her baby or not is going to make sod all difference to her situation.

I don't blame your other mate for not wanting to talk to her again, she probably feels shit enough without supposed friends sticking their oar in and making her feel shittier.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 16/05/2014 16:12

It's two issues that are unrelated:-

Shouty friend wants a baby and can't conceive.

Other friend is pregnant, and wants a termination.

Both are painful positions. Neither are related to the other.

Would it be reasonable for other friend to shout at TTC friend saying, "it's not fair! You're not pregnant! You should be grateful you're infertile!"?

No, it would not. It would be an equally horrible thing to say, that doesn't take into account what the other person wants.

ShoeWhore · 16/05/2014 16:12

As much as I really feel for her, shouty friend is being unreasonable. It is not pregnant friend's fault that shouty friend is having trouble conceiving.

I also find it a bit odd that shouty friend is refusing to seek medical help. I know so many people who have conceived with a little help - and there are lots of options you can try before you get as far as IVF too.

PrincessBabyCat · 16/05/2014 16:14

If this were a lifetime movie you first friend would be adopting second friend's baby.

It's an emotionally charged situation for both of them. I think how they both acted was understandable, maybe not excusable, but understandable. Just because she can't have a baby doesn't mean that other people are obligated to. Unless she is going to help raise this child, she has no right to be getting upset with her friend. That said, if I was rich I would not be talking to my poor friend about pissing away all my money.

They both seem a little insensitive to each other, both are entitled to their own feelings.

I would stay out of it and not take sides. Be there for both of them if you can. They will work it out if it's meant to be, but if you take sides they will remember that long after they remember the argument with each other.

Viviennemary · 16/05/2014 16:18

Sounds as if they should both avoid each other for the time being if not forever. As neither of them can deal with the situation in a level headed way.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2014 16:19

the 1st friend just started shouting at her about how she was ungrateful and saying some awful things about how she should keep the baby. It was really horrible and they were both crying.

I can't believe some people are saying 'neither was unreasonable' after reading that?!

Of course it's unreasonable to start shouting at someone in that situation.

Friend number 2 is not responsible for friend number 1's infertility problems.

ToAvoidConversation · 16/05/2014 16:25

Neither of them are unreasonable to be hurt and hugely angry. It's a hugely emotive situation and they both acted on their emotions.

I'm struggling with TTC too and if a friend told me they were having a termination I would be hugely upset too. I would react badly. Doesn't take much to understand that.

Puts you in a totally shit position though.

passmethewineplease · 16/05/2014 16:26

The shouty friend was BU. As hard as long term TTC is it doesn't justify shouting and verbally abusing your friend. I hope they see sense and start some medical investigation, who knows there might be a plausible reason for it not happening for them yet which could be changed if she went to the doctor.

I hope your second friend has lots of support around her too.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/05/2014 16:31

"The girl who is having the termination does not want to see or speak to the other girl again."

I don't blame her.

Original poster

Bluetonic123 · 16/05/2014 16:59

Would it be reasonable for other friend to shout at TTC friend saying, "it's not fair! You're not pregnant! You should be grateful you're infertile!"?

Good point. It is pretty much the same really. My friend who is pregnant is as desperate not to be as the one who is trying is desperate to be.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluetonic123 · 16/05/2014 17:01

Neither of them are unreasonable to be hurt and hugely angry

You see I can see that the trying friend isn't unreasonable to be hurt but angry?

OP posts:

RabbitPies · 16/05/2014 17:11

The friend who is TTC is being totally unreasonable. Yes I can see why it might sting a, but she has no right to shout at a friend like that because she's making a decision which is right for her.

I have fertility issues,and am still 100% supportive of women who want a termination for whatever reason. I've had friends who have terminated while I was TTC The thought of possibly never having a child is incredibly painful for me,but the thought of having to continue a pregnancy that I don't want makes me feel horrified too.

If the friend who wants to terminate is looking for support,then I'd agree that the friend with trouble TTC is the wrong person to turn to,but she's not expecting that from her,and was forced into sharing her news by the latter.

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