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AIBU?

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Original poster

Which of the is being unreasonable? (trigger warning – termination so please don’t read if this subject upsets you)

78 replies

Bluetonic123 · 16/05/2014 15:45

I don’t normally post on here (although I lurk because I am in a relationship with a guy with children and I am getting to know them and am doing my best to do it properly and avoid stepping on their mother’s toes) but I have a situation with some friends and was wondering what you thought this situation.

I have one friend who has been trying to have a baby for over two years. It’s not happening for her and her fiancé and for some reason, they are very adverse to speaking to a medical professional about it so they don’t know what the issue is or even if it’s just bad luck.

I have another friend who is pregnant and does not want to be and has decided to have a termination.

I am as supportive as I can be to both.

The 2nd friend did not want to tell the 1st friend about the pregnancy as she thought it would be too painful but she guessed as my mate was vomiting a lot and asked directly. The 2nd friend was honest about not wanting to keep the baby and the 1st friend just started shouting at her about how she was ungrateful and saying some awful things about how she should keep the baby. It was really horrible and they were both crying. The girl who is having the termination does not want to see or speak to the other girl again. The girl who is trying for a baby maintains that she was just saying what she thought and thinks that it was insensitive of the girl to tell her, even though she asked directly.

To put this into context – the mate who is trying has very well-off parents, a well-paid job and a fiancé with the same. Because of this they are fortunate enough to own a family home outright in a desirable area of London at the age of 30. In contrast my other friend earns very little and rents a room in a house with four other people. She has no savings and her parents are not in a position to give any money at all. She is also single, and the father put the phone down on her when she told him she was pregnant and she has no other way of getting in touch with him. Their situations couldn’t be any more different.

I can understand that it must be painful for my friend who is trying to conceive but I think that her reaction was totally unreasonable and that she owes my other friend an apology. But I have never wanted my own children (never say never though) so worry I am perhaps being insensitive to her feelings.

Which of them (if any) are being unreasonable?

OP posts:
fridgepants · 16/05/2014 22:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Susyb30 · 17/05/2014 00:09

Shouty friend must be feeling very desparate to have said those things to other friend..sometimes things can be said in the heat of the moment but I have to say I do think she was well out of order..despite feeling sad for her for problems with ttc I think she's being selfish. Your friend that is pregnant must be feeling very sad and desperate and to be spoken to like that would make me feel exactly the same if I was in her shoes. Its not pregnant friends fault about other friends fertility problems. And why not seek help? If they are so desperate to have a child they should be doing everything they can (although I do remember a friend being angry and hurt by her husband's complete non committal to going for tests re sperm count..ie "no way im wanking into a cup") so maybe ttc friend is so desparate and sad she's been out of order and said those hurtful things to pregnant friend. If she doesn't that she's been out of order (and realise the very different situation pregnant friend is in) then im sorry but I think that says it all about her. You sound like a good friend though op so just be there for both of them. I hope things come good in the end for everyone x

Original poster
Bluetonic123 · 18/05/2014 13:52

Thank you for all your replies. I think I agree with the majority that my friend who is trying is in the wrong.

Obviously I have sympathy for her but she's behaved terribly.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 18/05/2014 14:40

Shouty TTC friend's behaviour was appalling. What a stupid thing to say. She should apologise to your other friend.

I have no sympathy for shouty friend at all, especially as she can't be bothered seeking medical help for her infertility.

CarbeDiem · 18/05/2014 15:06

Definitely the friend who's ttc ibvu.
That said I do understand that she's upset but as you explained the preg friend is not in a position to have this baby, even if she was, it's her choice and her life.
I'm ttc and have fertility issues but I would never be awful to someone who was going through an abortion.

Friend 1 owes a huge apology to friend 2 imo.

Serenitysutton · 18/05/2014 15:14

Friend trying for baby is being unreasonable. This situation isn't about her and she should be keeping those thoughts to herself. It's just common decency

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 18/05/2014 15:19

Took me a while to conceive ds2. Not 2 years, but a while.
I took my friend to her abortion. My situation was not her situation.

Shouty friend is being hugely unreasonable.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/05/2014 15:29

Friend 1 not unreasonable to find other people getting pregnant difficult, particularly if those pregnancies are unwelcome. Friend 1 is incredibly unreasonable to be abusive and angry to Friend 2. Please do your best to support Friend 2 through what's a difficult time for her.

Preciousbane · 18/05/2014 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/05/2014 15:39

Friend 1 has been outrageously unreasonable.

MammaTJ · 18/05/2014 17:42

It is hideous for both of them and for you stuck in the middle.

22honey · 18/05/2014 17:43

'It's hardly like she is just choosing to have a termination for no good reason, if she was in a secure relationship, had a home, support and was financially well off, I doubt she would make the same choice,'

Exactly. When you are a poor woman, you have to make loads of 'choices' you'd rather not. Honestly middle class women and women who have never financially struggled just don't get it (I say this as someone who used to sell sex due to being poor!!)

The shouty friend is a total bitch and I'd never talk to her again either. And it took me over 2 years to conceive the baby im due this year!

22honey · 18/05/2014 17:45

'she is just spoilt and use to getting her own way,'

have to agree I'm afraid, women who have had everything handed to them on a plate all their lives often do behave/react like this when experienced fertility problems. Its utterly pathetic imo.

bidibidi · 18/05/2014 17:48

The TTC'er is beyond VU because of shouting & criticisms & pressure to keep it. The choices of the 2nd friend have nothing to do with problems or situation of 1st friend. If I were 2nd friend, I'd never speak to 1st friend either.

Feel very bad for OP stuck in the middle, too.

HavannaSlife · 18/05/2014 17:56

Shouty friend is but for shouting and for not going to the doctors

daisychain01 · 18/05/2014 18:08

Isn't life a biaccchhhh. One person desperate for a baby, the other person not able to have a baby for her own reasons.

Highly charged situation - actually I just cannot get too judgy about this one, because I can tell there is a lot of pain on both sides, its just too difficult to reconcile Sad

If only there was a way to organise a surrogacy situation - it could work out happily for both people.

But that's completely cloud-cuckoo land, I know.

Yupp, life is a biacchhhh

daisychain01 · 18/05/2014 18:10

bluetonic you are being the best friend you can be

ALifeOfPie · 18/05/2014 18:28

TTC friend very definitely wrong and unreasonable.
It's ok to be a friend to her by letting her know she is unreasonable - friends don't let friends be utter bitches with impugnity.
It's really tough for TTC friend that she is having difficulties, but (a) if she's not seeking medical help then she is, implicitly, deciding that other things are more important to her than TTC therefore it may never happen and that's her choice and (b) her own wishes have absolutely no effect in giving her the right to express any opinion about what someone else, dealing with an unwanted pregnancy, should do.

22honey · 18/05/2014 19:10

'Neither. I would find the termination very distressing if I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years. '

And you would have considered it your right to shout and bawl at a friend for having one? I ttc for over 2 years and personally would never have an abortion myself yet would never have done such a thing. To feel peeved is one thing, to actually announce it is another altogether. Really really unreasonable spoilt brat behaviour.

Just because someone cannot conceive doesnt mean they get to be judge jury and executioner over everyone elses reproductive lives.

Loverofpeas · 18/05/2014 19:17

Equally hard for both of them. Infertility is totally heart breaking beyond description.

RollingGreenMarble · 18/05/2014 20:35

Shouting at someone for any decision that is nothing to do with you and has no irect effect on you is IMO VVVVVVVVU.

I would ditch first friend TTC. What a knob. She over reacted and should have apologised by now.

I'm not even necessarily pro-choice (fence sitter)

Original poster
Bluetonic123 · 19/05/2014 11:56

I think I am more bothered by the refusal to apologise than shouting. Although I think it was wrong, I can understand that the pain she is going though could have led her to have a knee jerk response. I don't understand why she won't apologise or admit she was in the wrong though.

OP posts:
DenzelWashington · 19/05/2014 12:20

If one is angry at other for having abortion she should be able to say it. Other friend may not want to be friends still but if thats what she thinks.
Should she have lied and said - youre making the right choice?

I strongly disagree. I don't think Friend A's anger (which was irrational) needed to be voiced at all. Also, I don't think the only alternative to voicing her anger was lying, either. Friend A could have said nothing. Or something negative, but milder and more reasoned.

SaucyJack · 19/05/2014 12:36

Neither of them are unreasonable to be hurt and hugely angry.

It is totally unreasonable to be "hurt and angry" at somebody else's life choices if they don't affect you in any way.

First friend sounds like a self-obsessed cow to me.

minipie · 19/05/2014 12:50

Shouty friend is being unreasonable.

However, people who are long term TTC unsuccessfully are often irrationally angry/hurt/upset when faced with a pregnant friend - especially if she is not glad to be pregnant.

That doesn't make it any less unreasonable to shout at them of course. But it might help inter-friend relationships if your shouted-at friend knows that this is quite a common (if irrational) way for TTCers to feel. Blame the unfulfilled hormones.