To think all the best and most precious times have gone?

[Neverwasacornflakegirl]

My friend had a baby this morning and whilst I'm pleased for her it's bittersweet because my own ds is nearly 5 and we can't have anymore children.
All those early days are so precious and all those milestones -first smile, first word, first steps, the simple joy small children have.

I feel like all the best times now with ds are over, already he wants to be with his friends rather than me and he is also going through a wearing phase (please god let it be a phase) of wanting to play fight all the time. All the magical times seem to have gone and there doesn't seem much left to look forward to.

Aibu to think basically the most special part of his childhood is gone?

Gosh, the particular benefit I got from being a mother is the realisation that I had to be fully there everyday as childhood is by nature an ever-changing condition.

Why don't you find any activity that you both enjoy and that gets you out to mix with other children and adults?

One of the things I really enjoyed with my daughter was taking her to riding lessons. We went to a good but down-market stables and it was always lovely to see how parents and children could all enjoy the same things, while often us adults had to turn to a child for advice.

OP, I'm feeling a bit teary reading your posts. I think I can empathise with how you're feeling and hope you can look for some help so you can start making both your lives good, fun and meaningful. I know it can feel like such a blow to not have the family you imagined and also it can feel awful that your son doesn't have siblings, but if it isn't possible please do look for help so you can come to terms with it. You might feel that you've lost a dreamed-of future, and maybe you can talk to someone like a counsellor to help you accept how things are, and come up with some ways of not dwelling on it as a negative thing, but moving on.

My friend has just texted to say her babyis perfect and amazing and she's never been so happy.

I can't lie, I'm envious. And it's not even because I won't have another baby, it's because I didn't have those feelings with ds. I feel doubly cheated, not only did I not feel anything when I had ds I've been denied the second chance of another baby. I know it's selfish and it shouldn't matter but it does. It must be lovely to have a baby and be over the moon instead of ground down and sad. I was both of those thing after having ds and then had a lovely bout of PND. I guess I feel I wasted all the precious times and now it's too late. I was stupid.

Oh, honey, it isn't too late. He's still a baby at 5, and you have years and years ahead of you both to create some wonderful times. I agree with other people that you do need counselling or other help of some kind - you so clearly want to do the best by your son, but you do need some support in sorting out your feelings.

Truly, it isn't too late at all. XX

Do you know what? I don't think you're over your PND. The thoughts and feelings you are having about your DS aren't rational lovey.

'I wasted all the precious times and now it's too late' - can you not see how irrational that thought is? He is five! Still a baby, still with so much to come.

So - back to tough love.

What do you want to change?
How are you going to make that change happen?
Or are you going to waste the rest of the time you have with DS disconnecting from the child you have through mourning the child you don't have?

It is never too late. You may feel that you missed out on precious times but you can start now, every day is a fresh new start. Maybe you need some counselling.
It is nothing to do with boys, mine are all boys and the eldest 33 and the youngest 23. I agree with skinoncustard- for example they all came in holiday with me earlier in the year because they wanted to and it was lovely because they have all left home. You also get the bonus of girlfriends and that is another lovely stage. You only hear the bad sides on MN but actually lots of women get on wonderfully well with their son's girlfriends and wives. Two of the girlfriends were on holiday too- because they wanted to come.

OP - what you are saying suggests that you might be depressed. There's no shame in that, if you are. And you are not stupid. You are not well. Can you see your GP? Do you think some therapy or counselling might help you?

op, i agree with card & wilson. i was also thinking that perhaps you still have some depression there. fwiw i had all be it mild pnd for a while when i had dd, wasn't funny. i was on ad's for a while and it lifted the 'black spot' that blocked out the cloud that stopped me feeling happy/anxiety free. perhaps talking to someone in rl might help a bit? my dd is 11 and growing fast. i too have moments of sadness as everytime she reaches a new life level (as i see it) i know it will be the last time i share something like that with her HOWEVER, each new phase is lovely, she is my dear lovely child who is a blessing. i tell myself to welcome each new change instead of dwelling on the old. i know people who don't have any children who desperately wanted to be a mother so with this in mind it has helped me to remember how lucky i am (not that i ever forget). go and talk to your gp and hopefully your cloud will lift

op - i've just gone through and reread your posts. i actually identify with quite alot of what you have said. i have gone through phases of being envious of dd's relationship with someone else, in my case dh as she has ALOT more incommon with him than she does with me HOWEVER, fortunately these are only phases which do tend to pass quite quickly. what i forget when in the grip of a depressed phase, is to focus on what i do have in common with her. i have made a point of creating things that we can share together despite being very different. now she has different things with dh and different things with me that she enjoys. my point is, could you try to find/create things that you and your dc can enjoy/share together. so many things, ie cooking, going out to eat/parks etc, gardening (if you have a garden), a film or tv programme, any excuse to be able to sit and share something/laugh together. it has worked wonders for me mentally and improved my relatinship with dd no end. i didn't exactly have a ball in the first year of dd's life. dh was away alot, i had mild depression, dd has terrible eczema that required alot of hospital treatment etc, first 8 months at least were awful. i wanted the chance to relive the early years too as i felt i had mucked up/missed out but it wasn't to be, i accept that now and have let it go. somehow now i know i can't have any more children (too old) it has become easier to accept (although i still have my moments).. i hope you talk to someone and get some help to feel happier

It does sounds as though you may be depressed, which is totally understandable if you had a difficult time and PND when your DS was a baby and you're coming to terms with not being able to have more children.

I don't know if maybe your GP could refer you to a counsellor to talk all this through.

In my circle of friends quite a few only have one child, they're all lovely well adjusted children who don't seem to have any ill effects from not having a sibling. I think you need to talk through why you're feeling like this, boys are likely to be just as close to their mum as girls. My DS is 8 and he loves playing with friends his own age, but also loves a 'mummy cuddle' and confides in me about things. I had PND when he was a baby, and I understand your feelings of feeling sad that you didn't get the chance to enjoy the baby years. But they do go by quickly and you need to appreciate your son now.

My son is now almost 8 and yes he can be silly and wearing, will he ever grow out of poo being hilarious?
But i love the stuff we can do now, his bedtime books are actually interesting, reading some terry Pratchett right now, we can have conversations and discuss stuff he has opinions.

This evening we discussed how some people stop,learning the min they can, and how some others keep learning their whole lives because they just enjoy it, and he made a very sensible comment about chars in the beano being the stop learners as they hate school.