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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all the best and most precious times have gone?

111 replies

Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 08:00

My friend had a baby this morning and whilst I'm pleased for her it's bittersweet because my own ds is nearly 5 and we can't have anymore children.
All those early days are so precious and all those milestones -first smile, first word, first steps, the simple joy small children have.

I feel like all the best times now with ds are over, already he wants to be with his friends rather than me and he is also going through a wearing phase (please god let it be a phase) of wanting to play fight all the time. All the magical times seem to have gone and there doesn't seem much left to look forward to.

Aibu to think basically the most special part of his childhood is gone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 16:16

We do all those things but I always feel a second rate companion to him - he'd have preferred a brother or sister. Mommy doesn't play the games how he wants Sad

OP posts:
Mim78 · 13/05/2014 16:22

I think 5 is a brilliant age.

I have been feeling a bit sorry that having just had dc2 when dc 1 is 5 I am "missing out" on her now she is so fabulous and rewarding! 5 -10 years are great ages IMO - not so demanding as before but not yet teenage!

MegCleary · 13/05/2014 16:22

My mum said she had some her best times with my sister and I in February when we went to dinner, theatre and cocktails after and we are in our thirties and mom in her fifties Smile

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 16:26

I think it's partly because he's a boy too - generally boys don't bother so much with their families as they get older so I sort of feel my time is very limited.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/05/2014 16:28

Neverwas you are over-idealising how it would have been with another sibling completely. I have a friend with two boys, about three years apart, she thought they would be great playmates- they are awful, just awful together. It's a shame, but not all siblings play happily as little children.

You aren't his playmate, you are something far more special- you are his mum. You are the one he will turn to when his mates are ignoring him or have upset him. You are the one he will want to tell when he's done something amazing.

I am rubbish at playing small children's games, but don't just give up and lose him- grow with him. It's normal to have this ebbing and flowing and times you don't quite gel but if you feel one happening, make an effort to reconnect. He's still little, read him a bedtime story, listen to him on the way home, have a tickling match, anything.

MrsCakesPremonition · 13/05/2014 16:29

You can play the games he wants - there is absolutely no reason why you can't get down and dirty with him (physical issues excepted).

It's not all sunshine and fun having a younger sibling. I think it has taken over 5 years for my DD to forgive me for having DS. All he did (from her pov) was take my attention, scream, shout and cry. The amount of "playing beautifully together " has been minimal. She much prefered playing with me, her grandparents, her friends. He just spoiled her games.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 13/05/2014 16:31

Neverwas can you not see how bonkers it is to withdraw from a 5 year old in case they get married aged 35 and don't visit as much?! Many boys do stay close, you can't know what will happen.

NCISaddict · 13/05/2014 16:36

Boys don't bother? My DS is much better at doing things with me than DD. He's also more affectionate, even though DD is affectionate DS is more 'touchy'.IYSWIM.

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 16:36

What I meant was I play with him and he says 'no mommy, you're not doing it right!' He has said previously that having an adult to play with is not as good as having another child. He often asks why he hasn't got brothers and sisters.
He'd have been a great big brother.

OP posts:
Groovee · 13/05/2014 16:37

My son and I have a great relationship. I may not be able to play football with him, but we can paint, bake, and do lots of other things that he likes to do. I love snuggling up with him on the sofa with popcorn. Those moments usually have dd smelling the popcorn and joining us.

It's about you making the memories with him.

I find it really sad that you are withdrawing rather than finding things to do with him. Make the most of these precious moments of childhood, not babyhood.

Going on your previous posts, I wonder if you could do with someone to talk to, to try and gain perspective on building a relationship with ds.

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 16:40

Maybe.
I just feel like I'm waiting waiting waiting all the time and I'm not really sure what for.

OP posts:
MrsCakesPremonition · 13/05/2014 16:41

Ask him to show you - most 5 yos are naturally bossy, let him lead you.

He probably wants another 5yo to play with, not a younger sibling who will also do it wrong. So invite his friends to tea and find an afterschool or weekend activity he can join in.

You need to look for solutions, not shrug and give up.

autumnsmum · 13/05/2014 16:44

My dp is an only child and we live really close to
His mum my brother and I aren't close at all

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 16:46

He has a play date each week at least once and we often have a birthday party at the weekends for one of his classmates.
He's very full on and I feel it's because he's bored a lot of the time because I failed at giving him a sibling.

OP posts:
ouryve · 13/05/2014 16:49

Not better. Not worse. Just different.

It does tend to be part of the package, when you have a baby that they grow up. Mine are 8 and 10 now and I'm enjoying seeing the people they are. Actually, that is scary, sometimes, but their reactions to new experiences and the way they learn to express opinions is as magical as all the earlier stuff.

And they sleep a bit better than they did as babies!

takeiteasybuttakeit · 13/05/2014 16:53

OP, you sound like you're finding it hard to come to terms with having just one child. I sort of sympathise but also wonder why you're so fixated on your own feelings rather than your son's happiness and future. Turn it around, and try to put effort into making a network of friends for him, or find something you both enjoy doing. Please be more wholehearted rather than holding back, and stop wishing his and your life away

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 16:54

I guess because (stupidly and itrationally) I already feel like his life's been spoilt.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 13/05/2014 16:57

OP

My oldest ds is 22 not at home very often and practically married.
We still have lovely times together and there are moments that are so precious its like he was at 6 months.
Then he is gone again, just how it should be.
Whatever phase or stage they reach they are still your children, you still have a good relationship to maintain and there are always precious moments.
Learn to see these and you'll bea very happy content mum Thanks

FindoGask · 13/05/2014 16:59

I think that's unbearably sad, that at the tender age your son is now you think the best years of your relationship are behind you! I hope, for both your sakes, that this is just a passing phase and that you gain a new perspective as he gets older.

autumnsmum · 13/05/2014 17:10

Op do you mind me asking is your ds dad involved at all and what his take on things is

ouryve · 13/05/2014 17:11

Never - the feelings you're having are extremely irrational. PLenty of children have siblings and don't get on with them. And your DS having friends and going to lots of parties is hardly a sign that you've ruined his life.

Without being an armchair psych, my guess is that your confidence is pretty low, at the moment, you're down because you haven't been able to have another baby and it's all giving you a rather skewed perspective.

And kids always tell grown ups they're doing things wrong. It's part of their job description Wink

Original poster
Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 17:12

He wants another child too but I don't know if he feels the heartbroken ache like I do every second of every day.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 13/05/2014 17:13

Its hard, I sometimes (when having a glass half empty day) feel this, but when im having better days I look forward to going on spa weekends with my DD, spending time with them having grown up meals out, enjoying a few alcoholic beverages together, them having their children.
As long as you have kids, all times are worth having.

HearMyRoar · 13/05/2014 17:28

Op I really think you need to speak to someone about the grief you are feeling because you can't have another. You posts do make it sound like it is really having a negative effect on you and now also on your son.

I really think you are projecting your pain and feelings onto your son and you need to find a way to come to terms with the fact you only have one child before you risk pushing him away.

Some counselling to talk it through might really help you and your family.

NeverendingPotato · 13/05/2014 17:29

Thanks Thanks

Sounds like you're going through a really rough time.

I had another child when ds1 was 7, ds2 has autism. There's no guarantees for your child that a sibling would be what he wants them to be.

ds1 is 10 now and is delightful, he makes me laugh, he's fun to be with, he's helpful. He's wonderful. A pain in the backside too, obviously, but wonderful. Our relationship is close even though I haven't been interested in half the stuff he is, being interested in the other half seems to have been enough. ds1 has also always been full on, he still is, it's just him. His life would have just been fine without a sibling. There are lots of positives for your ds being an only child.

However, none of that is going to mitigate the longing that you have and the fact you have no choice in the matter. I would desperately love a third, with the increased risk of autism I know there is no way I could cope with that, maybe if I was younger, but I'm not. It's been rough to come to terms with that, the pain of it, the longing, all those wonderful bits that will never happen again. I've just started focusing on what I can do, what the future will be. Sometimes, along with this, I remember fondly how easy it was with one, and that's not just because of ds2's difficulties.

Maybe some counselling will help? And make sure all the pregnancy and baby name topics are hidden. They can be a trigger.