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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all the best and most precious times have gone?

111 replies

Neverwasacornflakegirl · 13/05/2014 08:00

My friend had a baby this morning and whilst I'm pleased for her it's bittersweet because my own ds is nearly 5 and we can't have anymore children.
All those early days are so precious and all those milestones -first smile, first word, first steps, the simple joy small children have.

I feel like all the best times now with ds are over, already he wants to be with his friends rather than me and he is also going through a wearing phase (please god let it be a phase) of wanting to play fight all the time. All the magical times seem to have gone and there doesn't seem much left to look forward to.

Aibu to think basically the most special part of his childhood is gone?

OP posts:
cardamomginger · 13/05/2014 08:31

YANBU and YABU.

YANBU, because there is a special quality to that time with a newborn, and all those firsts, that you cannot capture with an older child. And if DS is going through a 'difficult' stage, then it is easier to idealise an earlier stage. But YABU because there is so much that is still to come in your relationship with him.

I completely understand where you are coming from - DD is 3.5 and I can't have any more children. Knowing that I will never have another baby has been very hard and when friends do (seemingly easily - although that is obviously just my perception and one that is coloured by my own experience), although I am delighted for them, it reminds me of what I will never be able to have. It's hard and coming to terms with it, and it is a grieving process, especially if it is a decision that has been 'forced' on you as it has with me (multiple serious birth injuries have made it too risky for me to carry another child).

I love DD so much and I love the 3.5 year old person she is now. But I really wish there was a room that I could go into, where she was a new born, another one where she was a 3 month old, another where she is learning to crawl, etc, etc, just so I can experience it all again.

You are happy for your friend. But be kind to yourself too.

DurhamDurham · 13/05/2014 08:32

You have loads of more milestones to come.tooth fairy paying a visit, after school clubs, school discos, Leavers Assembly, starting ' big school', GCSE's, Prom, boyfriends, puberty, Saturday jobs, driving lessons, festivals.

The teenage years themselves are a revelationGrin

My girls are 20 and just turned 17, they still make me laugh everyday ( and cry every now and then) . Each stage I'd different but it's all precious.

My girls took me out for a cream tea on Sunday...just because they wanted to. We spent 3 hours in a hotel talking and laughing, I wouldn't trade that for anything. Enjoy it all Thanks

Groovee · 13/05/2014 08:32

YABU, enjoy each moment for what it is. You never know what's round the corner and make fab memories. There are still lots of firsts through out school and college years.

hmc · 13/05/2014 08:34

Haven't read the other posts but I really enjoy my dc at age 10 and nearly 12, whereas I found the early years difficult and testing. They are funny and quirky now and great company but still want a hug and to sit on my knee on the odd occasion. For me older childhood is infinitely preferable to early childhood. We are of course all different but I am sure that you will enjoy your child hugely as he grows

NCISaddict · 13/05/2014 08:38

I spent last weekend in a Venice bar with my 20 year old son laughing my socks off. Every stage has its' joys so YABU

tigerdriverII · 13/05/2014 08:39

YANReallyBU. I have one child, who's 12. Just yesterday I was thinking not about the baby years (which frankly I found totally tedious) but about the excited 6 or 7 year old, gaining independence but before they become a giant stroppy lump of sulkiness, and I was sort of pining for those days. Then this morning my giant stroppy lump of sulkiness had a delightful chat before school and gave me a kiss. Every age has its highlights.

longtallsally2 · 13/05/2014 08:42

Your feelings are totally understandable, but please recognise that your sadness is about the baby that you can't have, not about the fabulous little boy that you do have. Enjoy him. Let him spread his wings and enjoy watching him, knowing that you have helped to make him as he is.

My parents could only have one child, and I know that my mum felt very much as you do, although it hit her when I went to secondary school. It made me very unhappy, as it made me feel that she only loved me for being small and cute, not because of who I am.

Have you thought of fostering or adopting to give some of that love to somebody else who would have first words, first smiles etc to celebrate? If that is not for you, then do enjoy every day of your dd's time with you. You have some fabulous birthday parties, shopping trips, makeovers, theatre outings, giggle girls nights in with DVDs and popcorn to look forward to. You will be the person she turns to when her heart is broken for the first time. You can take her away for spa weekends, long walks in the country. You can buy a dog together, go on holiday together . . . . enjoy getting to know her over and over again. And one day she may make you a grandma, and you will get those baby cuddles again!

longtallsally2 · 13/05/2014 08:45

Ooops! Sorry, I gave your lovely ds a gender change half way through. Hope that you enjoy taking him to the cinema, shopping etc. There might be a few more action movies rather than girlie DVDs - though don't want to stereotype him . . . . Do enjoy.

X

softlysoftly · 13/05/2014 08:47

I feel like Mutley I have a 4 and 2 year old and already looking forward to when DC3 (36wks pg) is 2 Blush.

From then on is when you move from the tough times to seeing them grow and learn. To seeing them so happy to find new things.

I can't wait for showing them the world!

ChuckitintheBucket · 13/05/2014 08:55

But you still have so much to look forward to. He is only 5 and each stage of his life will be a new adventure for all of you. Just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. No point looking back you might miss something.

Theas18 · 13/05/2014 08:57

YABU of course. Yes baby years are swift to pass and much as everyone says "enjoy every minute" they are blooming hard work and you are exhausted a lot of the time !

Agree with the " hug the baby, hand him back, and get a good nights sleep" post above! Your baby is always your baby even at 5 or 15 or 25...

Mine are big. They are amazing new adults now making there own way slowly into the world. I still get hugs and mucky washing, but the hugs are real understanding ones "Mum you look knackered, I guess work was tough, have a hug" sort that they choose to give. And the huge proudness when they do something amazing just get s better. We are proud of a baby smiling- but actually it's not really an "achievement" babies are programmed to smile to make you keep caring for them! When they achieve something themselves- exams etc - or engaging in humanitarian protests with amnesty for instance. That is marvellous!

Find something amazing every day to enjoy.

soverylucky · 13/05/2014 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wtffgs · 13/05/2014 09:03

Getting to see your kids grow up is something denied to lots of people. Sad

Having proper conversations with your kids is a joy.

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2014 09:09

yabu a little yes the baby years are sweet but god you have years and years of lovely and a bit rubbish times ahead of you my eldest dd is 21 and I look back on all her years and the baby stage is just once part of it, you will look back on many precious moments, and tbh you sort of realise the newborn stage is just a blink in their life,

OwlCapone · 13/05/2014 09:13

I know what you mean, OP.

I do sometimes look back wistfully at the times when my children were small and cute and everything was so fresh and exciting. However, I also remind myself that it's still exciting to see them grow into adults and, eventually, make their own way in the world.

Just because I sometimes yearn for the small children they once were doesn't mean I don't still love and enjoy them now they are teens. I think it's usual to feel a little wistful at the sight of someone starting out on a journey that you can't go on again.

GooseyLoosey · 13/05/2014 09:15

Not for me. I didn't not really like the small child/baby statge.

To me the most precious moments have been watching them turn into their own people and develop their own independence. The milestones were never big things for me, it is the emerging individual that is the prize.

ApoqA · 13/05/2014 09:17

My 4 DC are much older, the eldest is 22. I love watching them grow up and become independant. It's such an exciting time of their lives. I would not want to go back to the baby/toddlers days.

I loved the baby/little kid stages but I have no longings for those days. You are very wrapped up in it when you are 'in' it but as your kid grows up you naturally grow out of it in the same way as your children.

I found it so hard to imagine my DC leaving home. I thought I would feel sad and miss them. I am suprised that I am not.

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2014 09:17

goosey you are right I can't really remember the milestones of my babies it is all a blur but I guess if you have young children the memories are still fresh,

Delphiniumsblue · 13/05/2014 09:18

I don't know why everyone gets hung up on having a baby,because it is over in a blink of an eye! Much better to think of it as having a child.

littlewhitebag · 13/05/2014 09:20

You are so BU. My DD's are 16 and 21 and there are still loads of precious moments to be had.

My DD1 is sitting her last uni exam today and i could not be more proud of her and we are very much looking forward to her graduation. Another precious moment.

DD1 finishes senior school this year and moves into 6th form. We have her prom and DD1's grad ball coming up. All precious moments.

I think i like this stage best of all as i love watching my children turn into strong, confident adults making their way in the world.

autumnsmum · 13/05/2014 09:22

I have a dd who is four and has autism , she is stuck at a two year old level , love the fact your son has his friends

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2014 09:22

MY dd graduates this year she has already set herself, up freelance and is getting work that is a fabulous precious moment,

I work with small children and TBH i could never go back to that although I do like to sniff a baby

skinoncustard · 13/05/2014 09:43

Well said Delphin (page1) my Dd's are 33 & 28 , I have just 'acquired ' a SIL ( the son I never had!) and we continue on to the next chapter of life ! The best you can do is give your Dc the means, opportunity, confidence and most of all love to grow, develop and become the best they can be. Then you look from the side and think, ' I did that' My two reward me in spades, ( although they don't realise it) they visit because they want too, phone because they want too, include us in any news ( good or bad ) and generally seem to enjoy our company. That's not to say we haven't had some ding-dongs, but even then it gets sorted. Enjoy every stage of your children, it passes in a flash. You will make yourself redundant but there is a good chance you will be a 'consultant ' for life. As one stage ends the next begins.

wigglesrock · 13/05/2014 09:43

My eldest is almost 9 & I'm really enjoying watching her grow up & make friends, form her own opinions, ask questions, do stuff herself etc. I've loved her & her younger sister go to school & listen to their stories, & what they're learning & finding fascinating. I like doing different things with them now that they're a bit older.

WilsonFrickett · 13/05/2014 09:51

You have had lots of lovely supportive comments here so I am going to go tough love. Sorry.

Last month we buried my friend, a lone parent, who left behind a 6 yo son. He walked down the aisle of the church behind his mother's coffin. A 6 yo.

So give yourself a shake and get some perspective. Her special times have ended. So have her son's. Yours have not.

I too only have one child and that can be hard sometimes. I do sympathise. But in all honesty, you need to get a grip. Go and give your son a hug and make a precious moment.

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