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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this boys' trip?

61 replies

Aibuaddict · 12/05/2014 17:37

DH is a sociable type and very open to meet new people. Before our DD arrived a few weeks ago I was happy for him to head off on the stag do's of friends and even tenuous acquaintances because I know how much he enjoys them.

However, since DD has arrived I'm getting irritated that he would rather go on a stag do for someone he barely knows because other friends will be there than spend time with his family. BTW DH is not that young so not a too young to be tied down scenario.

I said no to a stag do abroad (again someone he doesn't know well!) that took place two weeks after DD's arrival and he's just asked if I can move a planned trip for us to go away with my parents in September so he can attend another random's send off up a Spanish mountain.

In all fairness he takes it well when I say no and I honestly have no problem him going on stags for people he's actual friends with but get irritated at how keen he is to spend the time away from family and divert now more scarce family funds for the sake of being with 'any the boys'.

WIBU to deck him to knock some sense into him? Does anybody else have similar issues?

OP posts:
Groovee · 12/05/2014 17:43

Feel free to deck him. I wouldn't move a family holiday for a random stag do!

WooWooOwl · 12/05/2014 17:44

If money's the issue then YANBU. Family does have to come first and if you haven't got money for everything your family needs then you haven't got money for jollies to Spain.

But I think you might be being a bit unfair about him having any time away at all. He has a baby, but that doesn't mean all life has to stop, and as long as you can afford it there's nothing wrong with a couple of weekends away here and there.

As for the weekend you have planned with your parents, is anything booked and paid for? If not, I don't think he did anything wrong in asking if there's a possibility of changing the date. I'd expect a medal for agreeing to spend a weekend away with my in laws in the first place!

lazypepper · 12/05/2014 17:45

Do you get to go on trips with your mates? If yes, then it is fair enough.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/05/2014 17:47

Do people actually tell their partners that they are not allowed to go out?0

Original poster
Aibuaddict · 12/05/2014 17:50

I do go away with my friends and very happy for DH to do so too but would rather he went away with friends rather than on landmarks for people we don't really know. Also, the first I said no to was when dd was two weeks old and I had just had a major op so was quite restricted on what I could do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aibuaddict · 12/05/2014 17:51

Apparently so tantrums

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2014 17:53

How does he get invited on stag dos of people he hardly knows?

YouTheCat · 12/05/2014 17:54

A 2 week old baby and recovering partner is a decent reason for him not to have gone and if he had I'd think he was an utter shit.

A pre-arranged trip is also a decent reason. You already have plans.

Sounds fair enough. It's not like you're saying no for the sake of it.

WooWooOwl · 12/05/2014 17:54

You were completely reasonable to say no when you had a two week old baby, he shouldn't even have asked.

But it's not up to you to decide which friends he should see, it's up to him to decide if he wants to go on the landmark occasions for people he knows well enough to be invited, even if you don't. That part of your post came across as incredibly controlling.

basgetti · 12/05/2014 17:54

Did he seriously want to go abroad when you were two weeks post partum? I'm shocked that he even put you in the position of having to say no!

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/05/2014 18:00

He wont get to know them properly if he doesnt get to spend time with them though surely?

DH doesnt need my permission to spend time with friends as i dont to spend time with mine. Having a family doesnt mean isolating yourself and never doing anything again.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/05/2014 18:01

I wouldn't put up with this for a minute, he'd be out the door because he wasn't committed.
I see a huge red flag when changing old lifestyle when dc arrive.
He should want to stop the stag doos himself.
Sorry to ask but are you sure there's nobody else, it seems odd to miss out on family life for some randoms.

cantbelievethisishppening · 12/05/2014 18:09

YANBU regarding him wanting to move a pre-arranged trip. YABU for him having to ask your permission to have a social life you don't approve of.

Nomama · 12/05/2014 18:09

NU at all. He should work it out for himself that he shouldn't ask/expect to go 2 weeks after his child is born. He should also know to be polite and not expect extended family to change plans to suit his Boys Own leisure time.

You may need to sit him down and have a chat. Not to shout at him or to ban him from going out to play with his chums, but to point out that you both need to bring up your DD and so will both have to make some sacrifices. Boys Own time gets scheduled a bit further down the list of priorities these days.

He needs to decide what kind of dad he is going to be. And you need to be sure that you can out up with whatever kind of dad he actually manages to be.

Good luck having that conversation without it turning into a blamefest. Make sure you are both wide awake and feeling pleasant when you have it Smile

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2014 18:10

Lol, that's slightly projecting potatoprints.
Some people are happy to still have a life around their kids. I'm fairly sure we're not all having affairs!
That said, ,the 2 week pp was not on.

AbbeyBartlet · 12/05/2014 18:19

Regardless of the circumstances I would find it a red flag if my partner told me I couldn't do something. I can understand you not wanting him to go and YWNBU to ask but telling another adult that they can't do something is not good - if a man told a woman she couldn't go away he would be seen as controlling.

tobysmum77 · 12/05/2014 18:24

yanbu at all. With a family you can't just go off whenever you fancy. In terms of 'telling' I suspect the op means they discussed it and she said she wasn't happy with it, perfectly reasonable.

cantbelievethisishppening · 12/05/2014 18:31

toby. Hmmmm...... By her own admission 'he takes it well when I say no'.

Nomama · 12/05/2014 18:32

You're probably right, tobysmum.

That can be a nasty habit to break. They ask, have a conversation about something so you can be the one to say no. It took me ages to break DH of that habit. He says he didn't know he was doing it.... but got caught out big style over a family do. He didn't want to go but didn't want to upset his mum. It had to be my fault!

I pulled out all the stops and cried at him... he hasn't done it since Smile

slithytove · 12/05/2014 18:42

YANBU. And I think when kids are involved, that either partner should be asking for things like this yes. Perhaps not for permission, but certainly "do you mind doing sole childcare that night / weekend". It's courteous.

slithytove · 12/05/2014 18:43

If my husband told me "no I'd rather you didn't go away overnight as I'm not confident with the baby on my own" I wouldn't see that as controlling at all.

So circumstances do matter I think.

slithytove · 12/05/2014 18:45

I've just told my husband I would rather he didn't go to Paris on a work jolly for 2 nights later in the year as I have a young toddler, am pregnant (will be 7/8 months by then), and have terrible SPD among other issues.

He agreed completely.
I fail to see how that makes me controlling.

Igggi · 12/05/2014 18:48

Not controlling, unless the one going away was planning to provide full childcare for the weekend. If he/she wasn't then yes, they do need "permission".

WooWooOwl · 12/05/2014 19:05

It doesn't seem to be about childcare though, because OP doesn't mention that.

She says she's irritated that he wants to go on a stag do because other friends will be there instead of spending the weekend with his family, but it doesn't sound like it's a regular occurrence, so he probably does want to spend time with his family, he just wants to spend time with his friends as well. This do isn't until September!

slithytove · 12/05/2014 19:28

Doesn't matter the reason. Childcare is only one of many aspects which mean that when part of a family, you should ask before making plans.

Maybe he doesn't get much time off and OP wants family time.

Maybe she needs a break and this is symptomatic of other issues. She has mentioned money.

Either way, she isn't being controlling. Shame he can't figure out the answer before putting her in the position of saying no.