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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this boys' trip?

61 replies

Aibuaddict · 12/05/2014 17:37

DH is a sociable type and very open to meet new people. Before our DD arrived a few weeks ago I was happy for him to head off on the stag do's of friends and even tenuous acquaintances because I know how much he enjoys them.

However, since DD has arrived I'm getting irritated that he would rather go on a stag do for someone he barely knows because other friends will be there than spend time with his family. BTW DH is not that young so not a too young to be tied down scenario.

I said no to a stag do abroad (again someone he doesn't know well!) that took place two weeks after DD's arrival and he's just asked if I can move a planned trip for us to go away with my parents in September so he can attend another random's send off up a Spanish mountain.

In all fairness he takes it well when I say no and I honestly have no problem him going on stags for people he's actual friends with but get irritated at how keen he is to spend the time away from family and divert now more scarce family funds for the sake of being with 'any the boys'.

WIBU to deck him to knock some sense into him? Does anybody else have similar issues?

OP posts:
slithytove · 12/05/2014 19:29

And this do in September would involve them cancelling premade plans. Terribly rude.

thestrawgrasper · 12/05/2014 19:31

I often read on here that women are controlling because they don't want their DH to do something. DH and I are both adults but we are also entwined - we have responsibilities to each other and to the DC. If DH said he wanted to go on a stag do which would conflict with these responsibilities I would tell him what I thought and if he refused to listen I would be more vociferous, because ultimately I am not with him no matter what, our relationship depends on mutual respect.

Topseyt · 12/05/2014 19:45

He should not be expecting you and your parents to move a pre-arranged holiday so that he can go on yet another stag do. That is just plain bad manners and shows a lack of respect.

He perhaps goes on too many of these. I don't get why he has to go on the stag dos of people he hardly knows. He must be blowing a fair old bit of money on fares and booze for all of this, so it does have an impact on his family.

He doesn't need to ask permission per se, but he does need to ease up a bit, be more considerate and remember that he is now a dad.

MostWicked · 12/05/2014 20:06

I find the concept of him asking for permission and you saying yes or no, utterly bizarre. Can you not have a conversation whereby he comes to his own decision?
It's fine to say that you are not happy about him going away because you can't afford it or because you feel you need more help with the baby at the moment, but he shouldn't have to ask permission to go out and you shouldn't have to approve or disapprove his request.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2014 20:12

People are talking about 'loads of stag do's'. His sum total so far, since having kids, is zero. He has asked for one stag do, when the baby is 6 months old.....hardly loads.

Nomama · 12/05/2014 20:16

That would be 2...foreign stag dos.... 1 at 2 weeks, 1 mooted for 6 months!

Mrsjayy · 12/05/2014 20:17

but surely he knows these men well enough to go away with them I dont get how he hardly knows them Confused ANYWAY if money is an issue then of course ha cant go and if he needs the money issue pointed out then he is a tool, but really do you really object and expect him to only do family stuff now, I know its hard when you have a new baby but it is one or 2 weekends,

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2014 20:18

He,wasn't allowed on the first one. So, sum to date, none.

Kundry · 12/05/2014 20:19

For me the issue is that he is turning you into his parent by making you say 'yes' or 'no'.

Any sensible human being would have seen the one 2 weeks after DD's birth was not on and cancelled themselves. Also the one that clashed with the planned trip.

As it stands he may 'take it well' but you are not speaking to each other as adult to adult. I can see you have figured out that having DCs results in changes to priorities and reconsidering your joint finances but he doesn't seem to have caught up, or at least only as far as asking you as mum for permission. If you are the first in his circle of friends to have DCs then it may be more difficult for him as everyone else is fancy-free.

I'd try to have a conversation with him about socializing/stag-dos/fairness between your and his time off/finances and working as a team.

Nomama · 12/05/2014 20:21

But both have been unreasonable request, haven't they? That's the point, he needs telling, he can't work it out for himself.

And the second one requires a handful of people to change their plans to accommodate his Boys Own Adventure!

It's not about 'allowing' it's about reasonable behaviour/expectations - on both sides.

LoveSardines · 12/05/2014 20:24

He is BU wanting to go away when there is a 2 week old baby on the scene.

He is BU asking OP if she can move holiday plans and ask/tell her parents to move their holiday plans as well so that he can go away somewhere else. It's already been arranged.

I think he sounds rather selfish TBH.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2014 20:27

The first one was unreasonable, yes.
I disagree the second one is. Firstly since it's not his stag do, he would have no control over date. And it may well be easy to move the parent one depending on what's been organised, we haven't had enough info from op on that. Secondly, I don't think one,weekend away in 6 months is unreasonable. I strongly disagree with giving up all previously enjoyed activities post kids.

LoveSardines · 12/05/2014 20:29

Why should OP and her parents have to move a holiday that has been organised (poss involving already booked time off work) so that he can go away with some people he barely knows?

If it was just OP that would be one thing to ask her, but messing her parents around is not on.

Nomama · 12/05/2014 20:34

And it isn;t about abandoning all previously enjoyed activities. It is just about being considerate.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2014 20:39

All the dh asked was 'can she move a trip?' It's hardly a divorcable offence. For example, if it were my parents it would be no bother whatsoever as they're retired so can go any time, plus she will presumably be on mat leave so can also go any time. Not sure why we're speculating anyway, when none of us on here, save op, know the details!

LoveSardines · 12/05/2014 20:44

No-one's saying it's a divorceable offence Confused

slithytove · 12/05/2014 21:11

mostwicked surely he should be asking "do you mind watching DC for a whole weekend" and then OP should get to decide if she is willing to? Why should he come to his own decision when it's reliant on someone else?

slithytove · 12/05/2014 21:12

And the impression I got from OP, is that stag dos and boys nights out were a regular part of her DH's social life, the 2 she has specified post DC just happen to be abroad therefore presumably a bigger deal.

DC is weeks old, they won't even be in a routine yet, I think her DH is being unfair.

cutefluffybunnes · 12/05/2014 21:20

If he wanted to go down the pub for a stag do of a random person he doesn't know well, that's fine. Going abroad for the weekend for a random non-friend is pushing things. Hoping to move a family holiday for it is really not on. Can't blame him for asking, though. Why not suggest he organises a boys' weekend away with some of his actual friends for a more convenient time?

Time2beme · 12/05/2014 21:33

YANBU I have a 9 month old and my husband goes away sometimes, mainly for work, but he does ask me generally if its OK, because he respects me and the fact that I am looking after his child. He went away when our little one was 6 weeks old when I still recovering from a c section and he felt bad.

I don't think it would have been unreasonable of me to say no I'd prefer you didn't and that was for something work related. He's away twice for a week at a time in next six weeks and I've asked if he gets to avoid being away in July when not our daughters have birthday. I don't see it as being controlling. If he has to travel he has to travel but moving prearranged things for a jolly weekend with acquaintances wouldn't happen in our home.

MostWicked · 12/05/2014 21:49

Why should he come to his own decision when it's reliant on someone else?

Because as part of the discussion it should become apparent to him that what he is considering is completely unreasonable and decide for himself not to go. He shouldn't have to be told by his wife.

slithytove · 12/05/2014 22:26

In which case it is his failing, not hers.

slithytove · 12/05/2014 22:30

And of course, it might not be an unreasonable request either. But it might be equally as reasonable for the partner being asked to baby sit to say they dont want to. Hence, a reasonable "sorry, no".

I am going for my first night away since having DS soon. He will be 14 months old. About 6 weeks in advance when we were discussing arrangements, I asked DH if he was ok with it, could I go, did he mind watching DS for 48 hours (longest he has ever done) etc etc. Had he said no, I would have amended my arrangements so we were both happy.

And that's with a 14 month old! I can't imagine coming to that level of compromise with a baby a few weeks old.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/05/2014 22:38

But it's not unreasonable to want to go and have some fun! There is more to life than sitting in front of the telly with your mouth open 'now that we are a family and should Spend Time Together'.
The key question is: does the OP get to go away or out with friends when she wants to? Or is she one of these martyrs who thinks that all social activity has to stop after having children?

slithytove · 12/05/2014 22:42

SGB was that aimed at me?

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