To say no to this boys' trip?

[Aibuaddict]

DH is a sociable type and very open to meet new people. Before our DD arrived a few weeks ago I was happy for him to head off on the stag do's of friends and even tenuous acquaintances because I know how much he enjoys them.

However, since DD has arrived I'm getting irritated that he would rather go on a stag do for someone he barely knows because other friends will be there than spend time with his family. BTW DH is not that young so not a too young to be tied down scenario.

I said no to a stag do abroad (again someone he doesn't know well!) that took place two weeks after DD's arrival and he's just asked if I can move a planned trip for us to go away with my parents in September so he can attend another random's send off up a Spanish mountain.

In all fairness he takes it well when I say no and I honestly have no problem him going on stags for people he's actual friends with but get irritated at how keen he is to spend the time away from family and divert now more scarce family funds for the sake of being with 'any the boys'.

WIBU to deck him to knock some sense into him? Does anybody else have similar issues?

[MostWicked]

Being considerate:
"How would you feel if I ...."
"Would you mind if I...."
"I've been invited to...., what do you think?"

What I don't like is asking permission like a child:
"Can I...."
"Am I allowed to...."

By asking permission it forces someone else to make the decision that you should have the consideration to be able to make yourself, and places blame on them for spoiling your fun, rather than you choosing to be considerate to your partner's needs.

[diddl]

The first do I think he shouldn't even have contemplated.

This one I'm not sure.

Is the holiday actually booked?

In which case I don't get why he is asking.

If it is just being talked about & he is asking could it be the seek before/after then I don't think that that is too bad.

It's a yes or no answer.

Or is it that he seems to place these dos above all else?

[Nomama]

SBG - what about her, the mum, the one left at home holding the baby? Is she allowed some quality non baby time too? Would she be unreasonable at 2 weeks to leave him with the baby and go off on a hen do?

The answer is no for her just as it is for him. It really isn't about him not having fun time it really is about making those compromises so that both parents (OK I do mean the woman) get the support they need to take on their fair share of child rearing. Unless, of course you think that is a woman's work and he should be able to waltz off and live the single life still!

[Jewk]

Yeah go ahead and deck him, it's only violence against men and that's not real violence is it !

[KathrynJaneway]

I dunno about that Retro my dh was asked just recently on a stag and he's never met the groom before. He's been to a few stags in the past that I know of where he had only met the groom a handful of times or not at all.

[retrorobot]

Original poster: Your perception of how close your husband is to his friends may be completely askew. I have this problem with my own wife. She will say about someone "he's not a good friend of yours", perhaps because we only meet up every six months and exchange the odd email in between. However, male friendships, particularly of those married with young children, often amounts to that. The problem is wives looking at their husband's friendships as if they were their own. Men don't need to talk on the phone or swap messages etc. to be maintain a friendship. The fact that your husband is invited on this stage weekend suggests in itself some degree of closeness with the groom.

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

YANBU - especially if these weekends away aren't with particularly close friends. I don't get the sense you're constantly banning him from doing stuff, and the timings of both of these justify asking him not to go. As others have said, it would probably frustrate me that he couldn't just work that out on his own but I suppose you never know if you don't ask.

Socially things change massively when you have DC but it doesn't mean you have to miss out on stuff. You just have to prioritise what you want to do most and accept that you can't do absolutely all the things you would have done previously. Seems like this is what your DH needs to get his head around.

[KathrynJaneway]

I know if a close friend of dh was having a stag do abroad he would probably go. However if it was someone he barely knew most likely not and I would be annoyed with him for wasting family money on it too. I think if money is a big issue then I would be discussing the real need to go, if he wants time away with his friends why not arrange a cheaper night or two closer to home with his closer mates.

[Stupidgrl]

Her dd is a few weeks old, so I doubt she has exactly got her old life back!

[Alisvolatpropiis]

If this kind of thing is something you both usually can discuss and come to an agreement on, I don't see why you voicing you're not happy with his plans would be issue?

I don't think you're being controlling. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot and you were floating going away for a hen do he would feel the same

[slithytove]

Btw, our family time manages to be something other than sitting in front of the telly with our mouths open. Might I suggest googling local attractions

[slithytove]

SGB was that aimed at me?

[SolidGoldBrass]

But it's not unreasonable to want to go and have some fun! There is more to life than sitting in front of the telly with your mouth open 'now that we are a family and should Spend Time Together'.
The key question is: does the OP get to go away or out with friends when she wants to? Or is she one of these martyrs who thinks that all social activity has to stop after having children?

[slithytove]

And of course, it might not be an unreasonable request either. But it might be equally as reasonable for the partner being asked to baby sit to say they dont want to. Hence, a reasonable "sorry, no".

I am going for my first night away since having DS soon. He will be 14 months old. About 6 weeks in advance when we were discussing arrangements, I asked DH if he was ok with it, could I go, did he mind watching DS for 48 hours (longest he has ever done) etc etc. Had he said no, I would have amended my arrangements so we were both happy.

And that's with a 14 month old! I can't imagine coming to that level of compromise with a baby a few weeks old.

[slithytove]

In which case it is his failing, not hers.

[MostWicked]

Why should he come to his own decision when it's reliant on someone else?

Because as part of the discussion it should become apparent to him that what he is considering is completely unreasonable and decide for himself not to go. He shouldn't have to be told by his wife.

[Time2beme]

YANBU I have a 9 month old and my husband goes away sometimes, mainly for work, but he does ask me generally if its OK, because he respects me and the fact that I am looking after his child. He went away when our little one was 6 weeks old when I still recovering from a c section and he felt bad.

I don't think it would have been unreasonable of me to say no I'd prefer you didn't and that was for something work related. He's away twice for a week at a time in next six weeks and I've asked if he gets to avoid being away in July when not our daughters have birthday. I don't see it as being controlling. If he has to travel he has to travel but moving prearranged things for a jolly weekend with acquaintances wouldn't happen in our home.

[cutefluffybunnes]

If he wanted to go down the pub for a stag do of a random person he doesn't know well, that's fine. Going abroad for the weekend for a random non-friend is pushing things. Hoping to move a family holiday for it is really not on. Can't blame him for asking, though. Why not suggest he organises a boys' weekend away with some of his actual friends for a more convenient time?

[slithytove]

And the impression I got from OP, is that stag dos and boys nights out were a regular part of her DH's social life, the 2 she has specified post DC just happen to be abroad therefore presumably a bigger deal.

DC is weeks old, they won't even be in a routine yet, I think her DH is being unfair.

[slithytove]

mostwicked surely he should be asking "do you mind watching DC for a whole weekend" and then OP should get to decide if she is willing to? Why should he come to his own decision when it's reliant on someone else?

[LoveSardines]

No-one's saying it's a divorceable offence

[arethereanyleftatall]

All the dh asked was 'can she move a trip?' It's hardly a divorcable offence. For example, if it were my parents it would be no bother whatsoever as they're retired so can go any time, plus she will presumably be on mat leave so can also go any time. Not sure why we're speculating anyway, when none of us on here, save op, know the details!

[Nomama]

And it isn;t about abandoning all previously enjoyed activities. It is just about being considerate.

[LoveSardines]

Why should OP and her parents have to move a holiday that has been organised (poss involving already booked time off work) so that he can go away with some people he barely knows?

If it was just OP that would be one thing to ask her, but messing her parents around is not on.

[arethereanyleftatall]

The first one was unreasonable, yes.
I disagree the second one is. Firstly since it's not his stag do, he would have no control over date. And it may well be easy to move the parent one depending on what's been organised, we haven't had enough info from op on that. Secondly, I don't think one,weekend away in 6 months is unreasonable. I strongly disagree with giving up all previously enjoyed activities post kids.