Oooooo she's very pretty - fuck off

[Putthenerfdown]

NC for this and in no way a stealth boast.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this about myself.

Met DPs family for the first time. We went for dinner and I was polite, we had an interesting discussion about the elections, I talked to his mum about books, we had a good time. I sent a nice text the next day thanking them for paying for the meal.

DP spoke to them today. I asked him if they had a good time "yes they enjoyed it, they said how pretty you are". Um ok...anything else "no just that your pretty oh and my DM thinks your very slim"

Which is lovely. Unless your bored of bring pretty or having a nice figure. And yes I TOTALLY know how this reads (like I'm a conceited bitch). But I've heard this for years and just once it would be nice to be funny or clever or kind or interesting and not yes she's got good genes.

AIBU and should shut up or not? DP doesn't see the problem "but you are pretty" was his reply.

[LucilleBluth]

OP, are you diamond shoes feeling tight today

The parents have only just met you and a being polite, they don't really know you yet.....you are sounding like a brat tbh, but I'm sure they will get to learn that about you as time passes.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

The problem is perhaps that you are asking to hear a judgement on yourself.

It would never have occurred to me to fish for complements about my personality or looks, when I had just met dh, or somebody else that I was introduced to me for the first time.

When I was so young that this was relevant, I had a firm confidence in myself, my intellectual abilities and my looks, and I did not give a toss how others saw me.

I suggest you do the same.

[Verity87]

Margot - I think it's fine to admit you are pretty but whining about it is crass really when you consider what problems some people have.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

But all those people moaning that the OP would have worse problems if she looked like the back of a bus.....both problems have the same root cause, judging women by their looks. It works both ways.

[FourForksAche]

so only plain people are allowed to feel unvalued and unappreciated then?

[Verity87]

When you've just met someone, they are not that likely to make comments about how spiritual or intellectual you are. They don't know you well enough.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

I'll join you Derek.

Seriously OP, I actually do understand what you mean. Not I hasten to add because it happens to me, more for DD. People always comment on how beautiful she is, but she has so many other qualities that I would prefer them to notice.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

OP, I think you should grow a beard.

[HecatePropylaea]

It would annoy me too. I think. I have no experience of it but I think it would.

It seems like all that matters (or at least what matters most) about a woman is how she looks.

You see it everywhere. A man gets recognised for his achievements. A woman? for her hair, her figure and where she got her dress from.

I like this

So yes, when that is what women get day in day out - reduced to tits and arse - it is not good. It is not positive. It is not a compliment. It is objectification. It feels like it is saying that you don't matter as a person, your worth is contained solely in your body and your face.

Sod your brains, sod your views, sod your achievements, just slap a smile on your pretty little face and stick your tits out and jobs a good un.

If you were polite - why not comment on that? If you knew about books, why not comment on that? If you were friendly, why not comment on that?

You may be pretty, that's great, fine. But that's an accident of birth and not an achievement or anything you have decided to be and it has no relevance to who you are as a person, how nice you are, how intelligent you are. Just that you happen to have the sort of face that at this moment in history happens to be one that is generally considered to be attractive. So I don't blame you for feeling that it is shallow and empty.

[ShoeWhore]

I think the thing is that in most romantic relationships we select each other based on looks+personality.

So when you meet someone's new partner it's kind of natural to comment on that aspect. It's a way of affirming their choice, I suppose?

I've commented on close friend's new boyfriend's good looks in the past and not given it a second thought tbh.

[SoFishy]

I think being put in any kind of box is annoying actually, and having people think there is only one aspect to you. People are basically lazy, or busy, or just don't think and like to use whatever shorthand pops into their head. If you are pretty, that'll do eh, and everyone wants to be pretty so how could you possibly mind?

I think some of the responses on this thread back that up - if you are PRETTY, why, that is the ultimate holy grail so how dare you complain.

With me it's the opposite, I'm not pretty, I'm tall and well-built with short hair and I'm much more a tomboy type, but - I'm the brainy one. I'm so clever, Oh fishy will know, she swallowed a dictionary blah blah. And yes I am sick of hearing it, because there is more to me actually, and in fact, I'm not all that, I just have a job that makes people think that. But it's just what people do.

OP I would brush up on your withering sarcasm and buy some massive specs. You can mess around with people's expectations a bit.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Never mind dear, the time will come, sooner than you think, when you won't be noticed for your wonderful good looks, but rather valued entirely for your dazzling personality, or not.

[JamJimJam]

I love being told I'm pretty.

[Montegomongoose]

Perhaps this will be a salutary lesson not to set too much store by what other people think of you?
At be they said nothing and your OH just made it up to stop you interrogating him for feedback

There are much much worse things to be called.
YABU. And a bit high maintenance.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

"You see it everywhere. A man gets recognised for his achievements. A woman? for her hair, her figure and where she got her dress from."

Maybe because the person making the compliment thinks that this is what matters to women?

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

I know I'm attractive and I'm slim - been told enough times

But can honestly say that when I've been discribed in the past by other women I've been - funny, bossy, argumentative , silly, supportive, knowing my trade,driven.

There is a young woman who I work with who is beautiful,hair model and has a body to die for but has the personality of a stuffed dead badger - she is a hit with the younger men.

Maybe what you perceive your personality to be and what others see it as, is different.

Also would be interested to see how many female friends you have?

Personality out shines beauty all the time, looks can only carry you so far unless your kate moss

[QuintessentiallyQS]

To be honest, I always thought "oh clever girl" sounded very patronizing.

[HercShipwright]

Well, perhaps you weren't funny clever kind or interesting when you met them. Or, look on the bright side, perhaps you aren't incredibly pretty and slim but they just said it to make you feel better.

I know some very clever and talented people who are also pretty. People always comment on their talents and/or cleverness/interestingness, never on their looks. People comment on looks when it really is the only thing to comment on.

I myself look like the back end of a bus that's had a cement mixer crash into it. And I'm dull dull DULL. So people don't comment about me at all except to say 'who?'. Count your blessings.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I always used to think "looks may be what bags you a relationship, but not what makes it last"

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I am sure next time DP's family will take in more than surface appearances. Maybe they were so dazzled they were lost for words. Maybe DP usually goes for a different type of partner.

Pretty doesn't mean thick or superficial. Unless they are rocket scientists or Oxbridge dons why wouldn't they perhaps focus on their first impression and think what a striking couple you and their DS make, rather than your analytical brain and piercing wit?

I agree healthy to praise our DCs for something other than looks. But you can also teach them how to receive a compliment gracefully when it's genuine.

Don't give DP a hard time over this.

[Sianilaa]

Better than what my MIL said to me... "You're the least attractive woman he's ever been out with, but at least he seems very happy with you"!!!


I'm not sure if YABU or not. It must be annoying when nobody notices your other qualities. But then, it's a compliment.

Got splinters in my bum from fence sitting....

[Gen35]

Just wait 20 years, then you'll be invisible! Seriously, you can't blame his parents for trying to be nice, it's not like they were saying anything negative.