Looking for advice/opinions

[lookingforopinions]

Hello all, this is my first time posting and Im looking for advice/opinions please. Im conscious that this is a predominantly female based forum which is great as Im looking for advice/opinions on if Im thinking wrongly or not! Any opinions valued.

Background situation, Im male 39 years old. She is 28 years old. We have been together for 10 months and she moved in with me in December 2013. She does not contribute to any bills or mortgage or shopping, I dont mind this at all. I earn about 4 times more than her so have no issues with this at all and we have no money concerns at all. Not just me but also her. Whenever we go out I normally pay for things, again Im fine with this and she will sometimes pay for a lunch out, again Im fine with this. My concern comes from a recent holiday we had, last week. It is our 3rd holiday together. The last 2 were both to the Caribbean and were high end holidays which were both fully all inclusive and paid for by me. No problems with this again as they were my idea.

The latest and 3rd holiday was to Spain last week for 6 days and I paid for the hotel and flights, this was not all inclusive so we ate each day there. All the day time food and drinks were added to hotel bill which I paid for. What I thought was strange was that at no stage did she once offer to pay or contribute towards dinners or drinks in the evening at all when we went out each night. Actually she hadnt even brought any Euros with her. I think the amount spent was just over 1000 euros. I just found it strange that she wouldnt or didnt contribute to anything. I get it with the Caribbean holidays as I selected them and they all inclusive so real need for any additional spending.

Im just a little concerned that maybe she is taking me for granted? I dont want to approach the subject with her directly yet in case it creates a big deal. I DO very much love her and I am 100% sure that she loves me. It is obvious not just in words but actions and emotions that we both have a lot of love for each other so I do not for one moment think she is a gold digger just after an easy life. Im just curious as to why she doesnt contribute to anything or offer to? Am I wrong? Should I pay for everything as I earn more? Or should she contribute something? How would other people out there view this? How DO other people out there sharre and/or split such things?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

Thank you to those who read between the lines, it was difficult reading through this post & it was nice that some of you questioned what my bf was saying!

I did used to contribute/offer ALL OF THE TIME!! There have been uncomfortable moments & I find it difficult to keep up with him & his extravagant ways!!!

I will reply to my bf 'lookingforopinions' now:
Why choose mumsnet when you know I browse on here regularly? Why lie in your details??

You know that I never bring currency abroad & I even comment on why you pay with cash, I do however bring my card & I have paid for meals / drinks before when abroad!
I was planning to pay for dinner on the last night the truth is after the argument we had & you shouted at me & called me the C word repeatedly it made me fill very low, so I didn't pay, afterwards I did feel guilty. Sorry I should have paid for an evening meal!

You don't pay for EVERYTHING, does how I contribute really go unnoticed?! Just the odd lunch??
Whatever amount I do contribute is so insignificant to you, because you spend ludicrous amounts. Like the £500 I contributed to one holiday, is meaningless to you after you had spent so much!

We have talked about TTC in the near future. You have told me that you want a prenup. I have said ok. You want to move to a bigger house next year, but don't want me to be on the mortgage, ever. I have said ok.
I have told you that before we have children I would like to own a buy to let house, so that I have some future finance security. I am trying to save for this. (The flat is in negative equity, with no rental income profit, it was a mistake, we paid over the odds, and you know this)

GROCERIES - In your weekly shop when you purchase tonnes of wine / dvds, I put hardly any food items into the trolley. I do my own grocery shopping for US I am always filling up the cupboards with food & I buy food items just for you. I'm sorry for not contributing enough, my food bill has gone up since living with you & you always say don't worry when I do offer!! I can't win!

BILLS - I am happy to pay my costs, I didn't want to pay for half of sky or half of your council tax bill, 25% of CT is fair. I was surprised that you asked me to pay half of everything, especially when I didn't have a permanent job at the time & I had unknown income. We have only been living together for 3.5 months & I have only just started a permanent job this month, you haven't even given me a proper chance! But everything you do & say is so CONFUSING!!!
Before moving in with you I was living with my parents rent free, because they wanted to help me to save for a deposit for a house, after knowing I had lost money on the flat & that I have a loan to pay back. Previous to that I moved out young & had been paying 50% of the bills/rent/mortgage (for over 9 years with the ex).

I don't want to spend my money on fancy restaurants & I would rather not go than to be made to feel like this. You always pick the restaurant; I have mentioned different ones to go to. You spend a fortune on eating out, not just the cost of your wine, but with your extra dishes i.e two starters & desserts for yourself to try. If that's what you enjoy doing than fair enough but it does make it awkward for me when the bill is sky high.

I agree that I am sensible, but I disagree about an eye for a bargain. It is NORMAL to look at the prices in shops, instead of being like you where you purchase something in John Lewis & then say you couldn't believe how much it cost as you didn't check the price. The face cream comment made me chuckle, you know your face cream IS more expensive than mine :)
Was it the £100 bottle of wines I commented on, or the £300 bottles?!

I may comment occasionally about your purchases but I am never controlling or argumentative, wanting to spend £500 on a model car is daft, but I leave you to it. Do I really make you feel uncomfortable about spending your money?!

You are flash with your cash, & that is not me at all!! You have bought me expensive gifts that I have made you return. You mention wanting me to have a matching watch like yours, which costs more than my car is worth! I thought you were mad booking so many holidays & I told you that!!

I AM grateful & I always say thank you, as well as showing you in many ways.
Something that I understand in life that I don't think you do is that you can't put a price on everything; I am PRICELESS. xx

Good response upset!

I know it's not quite the same but I've found it hard going on holiday with friends who have more money because we can't keep up and they'll pay for things which I think are a waste of money. What are you supposed to do? Refuse to go along? I find it quite draining and vulgar to see people splashing the cash as if they're in some way worth it.

OP you keep saying you're happy to pay for everything but clearly you're not. Make your mind up, either get a joint account or find someone with the same cash flow and spending compulsions as you.

OK its true I didnt mention all facts. Actually it was 4 holidays not 3, a long weekend in Paris and a long weekend in Portugal. She did contribute 500 in December when we newer after our 1st holiday. It is also worth mentioning that even though out of work for 3 months I supported you financially far more than you would have taken home anyway and helped you with many jobs searches.

I am surprised that she managed to identify us here as I had hoped I changed the details sufficiently, still actually now its out in the open and we can discuss between ourselves, which is a good thing :) I do know we love each other and will come through this, so thank you to everyone for the feedback.

You sound like you deserve each other.

You might want to hold off TTC though.

Sure you are.

jeez you like pissing into the wind don't you lookingforopinions?

upsetconfused, i'd think very carefully before committing to this man. talk about manipulative!

I would also advise caution over ttc with someone if they only want the family home to be their home should you split.

OP, I would hope that if you two should have a child and at some point split up you would want your child and it's mother to be provided for. If there is truth in what your partner says about your family home only belonging to you or a prenup then I would be concerned that should you split at some point you would be one of those men who try to duck out of their financial responsibilities. I hope I'm wrong on this.

Hmmm, so I was right. Your poor girlfriend has struggled to keep up with your extravagant spending.

You spend so much money that you don't even notice the normal contributions someone makes.

You didn't SERIOUSLY think your girlfriend wouldn't spot this thread on Mumsnet just because you changed a few details????!!!

Upset - I'm really sorry to say this, but as lovely as this man may seem to be, it was incredibly manipulative to come on here, when he knows this is a forum you frequent, and to do this.

I would seriously re-think your relationship. He didn't just leave a few things out, he left out EVERYTHING that might make him look bad. Take your dignity and leave.

He called you the 'C word' several times in an argument?
He's not a catch, he's a pig.

I'd say you are not compatible. you dont have the same values. this would get boring over 5 years, let alone 10 or 20.